Serious question and topic. I’m at this point in my sobriety 1+ year in and have been single throughout. I made that choice knowing what I know about myself and my past and tendencies. I have been a very codependent person throughout most my life and found most of my “validation” by who was (as long as it was SOMEONE) in my arms.
I’m in a COMPLETELY different place in my life. Like legit. My confidence is high (but not too high). My priorities are straight (though not completely solidified to the standards I want… But that’s ever evolving, so I’m not concerned about that). I do my meetings regularly (2 for sures and usually a one extra), I’m taking care of my other responsibilities as well as I ever have before (meaning much much better than ever before!) I’m proud of who I am right now. Not exactly where I want to be, but KNOW that I’m headed in the right direction. (100%)
I’m a little bit lonely at this point in what I FEEL is in a very healthy way… Not desperate, but definitely looking for someone to spend some time with. A night? Maybe, but my heart is too big to just “hook up” and not catch a feeling or two. Not a “forever and ever” type feeling. Just one where I don’t want anyone else to feel uncomfortable or used or anything. I know being honest and open and upfront is key to all that but I’m just spitballing here… Plus, if I’m being honest (which I am because I feel VERY vulnerable right now…) I am a bit of a hopeless romantic and do catch/wonder about that whole “forever thing” a little bit too ya know?
But it has been a very long time. And that was by design. My choice. My decision. But now… I do want to kiss someone goodnight right quick and hold someone through the night and wake up next to them in the morning. I miss that right now, like pretty bad. I’ve talked about it with a few different friends/people face to face but I value this community’s opinion as well and would like some advice if ya got any?
Also, I don’t know where to start? Bars are not an option. (Ain’t subjecting myself to that drama!) I want a good woman who at least SEEMS to have her stuff together… But I’ve looked on a couple dating sites and every one I see as any sort of “potentially” is 400 miles away! I don’t want to settle and like I said, I’m not “desperate” for anything… I just would like to feel the touch and whatnot of woman right now ya know?
I’ve never done a relationship sober. And also like I said I ain’t necessarily looking for a relationship right now… I mean if one evolved that would be cool too but, I also am a little nervous about it in the sense of everything that comes AFTER spending the night with someone ya know???
ANYWAYS! this is my dilemma. I’m sure I’m not alone. I know this ain’t a dating app and it’s not what I’m here trying to do… But like I said; I miss hugging and kissing someone right now…
Little sketched out to hit this “create topic” button about now… But I’m gonna do it… Any second now… K, one more second… Aaaaaannnnd… Wait for it… NOW doing it!
Absolutely! And I hear all ya said here. I have been getting back into a lot of things I let slide (passions) from my using days… Drawing, hockey, running, I’ve been very involved in my kids lives and ya know just a lot of productive/positive things in my “free time”!
I guess I didn’t really mean to make it sound like I was tiptoeing anything… I mean honestly what I was TRYING to say (my brain goes much quicker than my thumbs! ) Is that honestly, no. I’m not looking for something long-term right now. And for as much as I’ve been able to occupy my time in good happy, healthy ways… I still feel that one thing missing… Or just that it’d be nice or whatever? And for as commendable as it might sound to say and hear that when the right one comes along, they’ll come along and everything. Like I’ve heard from a million different people in the program and all… I just see them too as the ones who seem the saddest and loneliest right now too. It’s like that idea they had (maybe the false sense of security they were trying to tell themselves until somebody just “fell” into their lap…) Are also the same ones I see now 10 years later still alone and blatantly NOT as happy as they are trying to convince themselves and everyone else as they are saying they are…
I know I can’t just sit still and wait for someone to manifest themselves out of thin air. And I’m comfortable with where I’m at right now. Like if no one comes along tonight? I know I’ll be fine. 100%
It’s just that I want and am ready for that extra little piece and awesome bonus in life and sobriety… I just am a little leery on where to begin looking? Or how do you put yourself out there? Ya know boundaries and all too. Like I know that I’M sober. But it don’t mean to me that the person I spend time with has to be… I don’t want to find somebody that’s raging alcoholic obviously, but I don’t care that they maybe have a couple either. I feel good about that. I don’t want to search in a bar but trying to explain anything online feels weird too ya know? Just where do ya look? I go to a couple of pretty big meetings and there are a lot of females there with significant sobriety and all, but something about that just don’t feel right to me? I don’t know? Just some things know what I’m saying?
I have not tried it?! But I’m probably gonna go ahead and check it out! And that too may be just the thing?? I haven’t really done to much of anything with anyone else other than just people in the program (either inside the rooms or out)… There’s a pretty good chance that maybe all I’m needing and wanting is just to share some sort of quality time with someone who I don’t KNOW is trying to find their way in life too in sobriety right now?
that was awesome. And charm and charisma I don’t think has never really been too much of an issue for me. I’m a pretty compassionate, understanding, funny, witty guy… I don’t usually have any trouble meeting anyone. I’ve just also never been so considerate of my own well-being. I’ve always only ever just given everything I have to everyone else and sacrificed all my own wants and needs. I’m not willing to do that anymore. I know face to face with anyone, I don’t have any real concerns. It’s just finding the RIGHT place to be looking. My standards are higher (for myself) these days. Not because I think I’m any better than anyone else. Just that I’m not willing to settle anymore. The old pool I used to wade in was a little larger due to the school of fish that was swimming in those waters… (to use a really poor analogy). I guess I can just see this new pool being a little smaller potentially?
Don’t really think my brain is “scattered” per sé but I think I know what you’re trying to say… I’m not asking HOW to talk to a woman. I think I’m ok there… I’m not an a-hole is what I mean by that. All this whole topic (for me) was about is: yeah, it’s a little nerve racking to think about going back out there. I’m ready. I just don’t want to find someone that’s as big of a mess as me (or that I was) like I said: I know the crowd in that capacity has diminished in a sense as far as “options”. All us here are here because we’re squaring some stuff away in our lives. Something went awry at some point in our lives. For some of us (me being one of those people) it went awry for quite some time… Dating/hooking-up/relationship/ whatever the title ya wanna give it I guess is irrelevant. Something I just fear I guess is getting buried under the surface or blanket of all things SOBER (the term you used in one of your first messages was “mundane”) I’m not looking for a crazy friggin party girl, just someone chill. I don’t “need” anyone… Just kinda want someone. Ain’t looking for relationship advice necessarily or on how to talk to women (I’m a nice friggin’ thoughtful considerate dude) just more so on how to feel about feeling ready to get back out there and to be with someone. Whether that be for a night or a weekend or the rest of my life is not what I’m concerned about…
Maybe take a different approach: engage in a regular social activity. Something that interests you. Ballroom dance. Take a night school course. Join a bowling league. Take martial arts. This will get you out there circulating again. Don’t go into it with the intention of meeting someone for dating. Just go to meet people. Maybe you will have some chemistry with someone, and go from there. At least you’ll start from the shared interest.
I’m in the same situation. Im approaching one year in a few month’s… and I feel it’s time to really start to make an effort, a real effort to start connecting with new humans…
We just have to put our self out there and have fun with it
Ballroom dancing!!! Steve…I see you in a whole new light now!!
I concur with those above @Jeremiah12 . Relax, have fun and enjoy your sober life! See what happens and love life right now
I do! I friggin’ LOVE my life right now! Just all that:point_up: complicates stuff no matter what way ya wanna look at it… I love having fun and am by no means any sort of introvert or even shy… I just have NEVER done the relationship thing sober. And I ain’t looking for a relationship or anything… I just kinda miss the intimacy of all that other stuff ya know? And it just creates a little anxiety (as a guy) to think about it all (at least for me) it did (in my head) yeah, I’m just gonna go ahead and check some stuff out. I’m good I promise. Guess I was just kinda looking to see what others might have though about it in the various stages of their own sobriety and whatnot…
Just a little update! Everything is going GREAT! Met an amazing woman who as it turns out… Is sober! No smoking, no alcohol, no nothing! And she couldnt make me feel anymore special or proud about all the things I’ve shared with her about all my own issues! Turns out, I might even be a little funnier and more loving sober than I ever (thought) I was when I was tearing it up back in the day… I don’t know? It’s all really healthy and really good and just thought I’d drop a little line with an update! Oh and she’s from Portugal (been here 8 years, no worries about a card… I already thought about that in one of my “this is too good to be true moments”, so I asked), but her accent… WHAT!!!
Thanks FB dating app!
Anyways hope everyone is well!
Oh. And she is SUPER SUPPORTIVE of all my meetings and everything and she’s gonna be there the night I share my “what it was like then and now life story” for the very first time I ever do!! Just pretty cool!
) Is that honestly, no. I’m not looking for something long-term right now. And for as much as I’ve been able to occupy my time in good happy, healthy ways… I still feel that one thing missing… Or just that it’d be nice or whatever? And for as commendable as it might sound to say and hear that when the right one comes along, they’ll come along and everything. Like I’ve heard from a million different people in the program and all… I just see them too as the ones who seem the saddest and loneliest right now too. It’s like that idea they had (maybe the false sense of security they were trying to tell themselves until somebody just “fell” into their lap…) Are also the same ones I see now 10 years later still alone and blatantly NOT as happy as they are trying to convince themselves and everyone else as they are saying they are…
and its fun!!
