thank you i can say that offers me a whole new perspective… it is definitely a case of being my own worst enemy, judging myself before the words can even come out. i have a lot of work to do for sure!
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If you can’t get to a therapist try journaling. And when you are just starting out journaling don’t judge yourself, don’t judge your writing, don’t worry about the way your handwriting looks, don’t set an intention, don’t have a topic, hell it doesn’t even have to be legible. Just write. Anything. Just put pen to paper and don’t stop writing until you feel like it is time to stop writing. Just learn to get into the habit of disclosure without judgment, eventually you’ll find that the things you want to reflect on will just naturally appear on paper. It will build trust in yourself and your intuition.
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Still very much a work in progress, and with ups and downs for sure.
Firstly, when I was drinking socially then I would make a fool of myself and then subsequent interactions were embarrassing, and I couldn’t remember anything of what we talked about so I was afraid of asking questions in case they noticed I was blacked out then. I was totally just bluffing the whole conversation. When I was a secret drinker, the rare times I was out I had nothing to talk about because in my free time I had just passed out. And of course when you are hungover you just survive a conversation and escape asap.
So sober at least I can remember previous conversations and refer to them. And I can do things in my free time to talk about with people. And doing some stuff and thinking about how I can talk about that to people is something that you can do to be prepared for small talk. And you can apply yourself to practising it like you would any skill.
Also as others have said, if you are a people pleaser / desperate to be liked by everybody, then leaving that behind and just focusing on being interested in the other person, being authentic as yourself, and then whatever comes or doesn’t come from the conversation is out of your control.
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this is great advice, it reminds me of the artists way (which i started reading/ practicing but didn’t see it through)
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yeah i relate to this 100%!! i think even partly my awkwardness now is still influenced by the guilt / shame for those times.
i do not miss showing up somewhere hungover full of guilt and trying to drink myself into a state of fake confidence / not caring. 
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Wow, I think you hit the mail on the head there! I feel so much more isolated in the winter months. It’s hard. Bring on spring! Congrats on your freedom from alcohol!
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Guilt and shame can really drag us down. Yes, we made bad choices, some horrendous or life changing, but no, we ourselves are not bad. That was a tough one for me to grapple with and overcome. Each day, a new beginning. 
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Lol yeah everyone’s thawing out and trying to remember how to interact with other humans after this period of hibernation. My anxiety is a little weird–everyone thinks I’m super friendly and outgoing and laid back, and sometimes it can be a little surprising to me to hear people’s perceptions of me vs how I feel on the inside. Mostly, for me, my anxiety is based on hypervigilance and an underlying need to manage people’s feelings and expectations–i grew up with an alcoholic parent, so it’s ingrained in me to want people to be calm and happy and have their needs met I guess. Big groups can be overwhelming so it can help to try to break off a littler group with a game or something to keep you busy and feel like half of people’s attention is on something that’s not you. I guess a rule of thumb for me is to have a thing to do, a place to be, and a way to leave. Have something to keep me a bit busy and relieve some anxious energy, crochet or a game. Have a place to be where I don’t feel in the way or have to worry too much about managing people moving around near me. And the biggest thing is to have a way to leave that doesn’t depend on anyone else. I feel much more relaxed if I know I can just up and leave anytime I want.
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I have social anxiety too but ive noticed something recently…that ive become alot more able to look people in the eye and hold eye contact while im talking to them…
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This is so helpful!!
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i relate to this a lot, my experience has been pretty similar. i realize i kind of never even learned these social skills. i feel sooo awkward making my exit / saying goodbye during gatherings for example - seems like something so small but when i drank, if there was alcohol involved i was happy to stay until the bitter end lol.
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that’s awesome!! i struggle with that too for sure.
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oh and yes i am so surprised when a friend says “you’re so chill i would never guess you were nervous!” like… basically every social situation i am trying SO very hard to appear chill and if i manage to “pull it off” i feel happy with my performance and if i let the mask slip i feel embarrassed i revealed all the inner anxiety that’s going on behind the scenes. it’s been this way since i was a teenager, as a defense thing because i was bullied for how shy i was and so i tried my hardest to not let anyone see how much i was struggling. 
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Lol yeah I’m not gonna lie I still make a few awkward exits but whatever. At this point my friends and I are about to all turn forty so I’m just deuces y’all it’s time for bed. Byeeeeeeeeee plus I don’t care if it’s awkward because I probably won’t see them for a while and by then they’ll have forgotten.
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Lol one lady said I was so calm I could be an air traffic controller, and I was like 
they’re like how do you do it? And I told them I just internalize the anxiety and engage questionable coping mechanisms, but I think they thought I was joking. But I did get brain medicine and some other anxiety tools in my toolbox, and kicked a couple of the more questionable coping mechanisms to the curb and things do seem to be starting to improve. There are still challenges but just being aware of your anxiety, triggers, and the sort of secondary effects makes a big difference. Though it’s hard sometimes to make those calls during the event.
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Just read this thread through and got some wonderful insights. I’m suffering from social anxiety and it has got to me in that point that I’ve started to avoid people and gatherings and even going to pick up some groceries is extremely difficult. I get panic attacks when being “trapped” in a bus or a tram or a commuter train. I’m only calm and at ease when I’m walking/running alone in the nature. I used to drink before going to a commuter train to avoid panic attacks. Man, I feel so lost with this shit. I’m just thinking that I HAVE to face the reality and not to avoid people and situations. But it’s extremely hard. Now that I’ve been sober for 21 days, I’ve started to notice some underlying issues that evolved in my past, issues that I should face. But I feel I’m not ready yet. sigh
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Hey, I am another one out there who drank to ease my shyness/social anxiety. It gets easier the longer you stay sober, or at least that has been my experience.
At 21 days you are allowed to do anything you need to do to get through the day sober. If that involves a little avoidance so be it. Do the things you have to do to keep yourself alive, so if you struggle to go in public to get groceries let that be your struggle and give yourself grace on not being social in other life areas.
Early sober days are rough but the good news is that if you keep stacking the days you can start tackling all the other stuff that comes along with recovery. You are doing great. Be gentle with yourself.
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Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words! They made me feel better. Especially that I can avoid some things in my early sobriety and then tackle the avoiding problems when time passes by. Today I had to visit two different grocery stores because I couldn’t find what I was looking for, but I survived without panic attacks and massive anxiety, yay! One day at a time. Thanks again, my friend!
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I have definitely been there and it does get easier. Keep moving forward and one day at a time. Glad I could help.
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I saw this and just wanted to drop my 2 cents worth in the pot. I have not had many issues with depression in a clinical sense, though I live with a baseline of anxiety
Its also important in sobriety to learn about who you are as a person and your personality. I forever thought that what stood in the way of me being more social and enjoyong social gatherings was confidence and issues pertainingbto my alcoholism when I wad younger…Ive learned some things about myself.
I have some extroverted tendencies, but I am an introvert. This effects how much socializing I can handle. Im also an HSP (The name is ridiculous to me lol highly sensitive person, but it is a personality type that has to do with sensory processing and stimulation, not being sensitive to what people say but how much stimulation you can handle). I was told I was gifted as a child and never ever considered how it effected who I am or my personality…
All Im saying here is that we are so much more then pur addiction and underlying depression/anxiety that comes out when we put down the drink. Ive lived much of my life thinking my traits were something to be corrected, instead of embracinf whotf I am. Anyway, not sure if this resonates but some of us just arent built for certain social setrings and others resonate with us more…find where you are comfortable 
xo.
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