Hi all! For those of us who suffer with social anxiety, I would really love to hear from you ways that you deal with it and any “success” or breakthrough moments you’d like to share.
For myself, I have struggled with it in varying degrees on and off since i was a preteen. Recently it has gotten really bad again after I isolated myself a lot from friends and social gatherings. I just want to enjoy my life, I know that this is a huge hurdle for me to overcome and I haven’t really “dealt” with it fully. I’m struggling right now. I have no desire to drink, but it’s feeding into my depression.
Edit: Realized I made a very similar post this time last year, hello winter depression lol
Omg, hello!! I get that. Love tuning into and understanding our various cycles. I feel like my life is an unending circle of recognizing and then forgetting the cyclical nature of just about everything. I guess that is why it is called re-minding.
My experience with social anxiety and sobriety has been multi layered. Early sobriety, I felt a lot of my anxiety had dissipated and that was a relief. It was definitely my body brain emotions coming back to a centered place…without the ups and downs of the alcohol…it was a relief after so long.
As my sobriety lengthened and my body mind and spirit continued healing, there were times when my social anxiety would come up again. I looked at it as my self being healthy enough and ready to work on what that anxiety is to me. Therapy has helped, moving it physically out of my body also has helped a lot and so has mindfulness. I also take medication as prescribed when necessary.
I did actually have a rather breakthrough moment for me when I began to understand that ‘my anxiety’ in some ways is how my body sends signals (I know this is likely common knowledge to most people, yet for me it was a big moment) and that me identifying it as ‘my anxiety’ made it seem like a negative thing, versus how my body and brain and emotions respond to stimuli. Idk, it was big for me.
I have found relief with the tools I now use for everything in life …community, connection, mindfulness, journaling, movement therapy and other therapies, healthy eating, yoga, meditation, breathwork, etc.
Idk if that resonates at all, but please do know you are not alone.
My story is that a lot of my social anxiety is related to how I want people to perceive me. Getting to the bottom of my control issues and my people pleasing ways really did me wonders when it came to quieting those voices in my head. A lot of that work came through activities that actively build my confidence and my ego such as exercising, self care, eating well, journaling, a spiritual practice, and now my sobriety journey.
I also participate in some materialism and conspicuous consumption from time to time just so I feel and look my best in social situations.
Edit: and therapy. Can’t believe I forgot that LOL
Social anxiety is a tricky one because I feel like it affects people in so many ways. It relates a lot to the underlying issue , maybe you over think about what others think, maybe you care too much about how you look when you’re presenting yourself , maybe you’re self conscious with how you talk and your choice of words, maybe even you had a bad experience with friends in that past that make you feel less confident in social situations or the outcast.
I find dealing with the root of the problem is finding the underlying issue, social anxiety triggers can be a lot of things, just like depression, how it can be triggered by so many things .
I’d say just try a change in social communities, push yourself to go to meetings, or gatherings, or social situations where you’re uncomfortable and practice talking to people. Don’t be scared to say hello to your next door neighbor , even if they grunt at you or flat out ignore you and look at you like you’re crazy . LOL
Sometimes even if people are in the grocery store near me I find a way to strike a quick conversation… nothing wrong with saying hello and cracking a simple joke to them, or knodding your head and smiling at them.
Its little habbits, changes, and challenges that help with social anxiety. Sometimes it’s pushing yourself into situations you don’t want to do, making eye contact, and interacting . We all assume the worst in our heads, but once you interact with someone even a stranger, you’ll realize it’s not as bad as you think. Personal growth always comes with challenge, nothing will ever be easy from the way I see it.
I am great at chatting up strangers at the grocery, post office, wherever…it helps to live in the US South where that is a thing. Small social gatherings on the other hand raise my anxiety level. Especially if I am already a bit depleted physically or emotionally.
yeah i really have the most trouble with acquaintances i think in small social gatherings. it’s the small talk that gets me, i end up talking about my cats and then feel like the biggest cliche lol i’m on the hunt for a new therapist right now, to help me really deal with it. i have control issues, no surprise as an alcoholic. i also have OCD, and i know it’s all related.
@SassyRocks I’m from Toronto ON where that kinda stuff isn’t normal and people look at you like you’re crazy if you’re outgoing. A lot of quiet and selfish people in Toronto.
I can understand those feelings…similar to my experience. I talk about my cats a lot. I get pretty anxious with people who I don’t know well, acquaintances. Tho oddly when we go on vacation I am chatting up everyone, but we go to a very chatty place lol.
I hope you find a good therapist. I have been real happy with my new one. Definitely hit or miss over the many years of therapy.
Raised in the south as well so I’m good at chatting people up and being nice. I’m also terrible at small talk so in gatherings I let my more talkative friends do the heavy lifting and I ask questions or make observations when appropriate. That way, I don’t compete for air time, I let other people do the hard work of coming up with topics to talk about, and I can choose which topics to engage in.
The only thing you have to do is not fade into the background in the meantime—you can do this with eye contact, nodding, and making sounds like “hmmm” acknowledging that you are following the conversation. Active listening is also a form of communication!
yeah i’ve always been more comfortable as an active listener. i feel uncomfortable talking about myself or what’s “up” with me, but i like engaging with what’s going on with the other person. i dread the question “so what’s up with you?” in small talk. i know that’s one sided though and i hate coming across as cagey or withholding. sharing is difficult for me, even with my partner and close friends. except when it comes to spaces like this lol ironically.
In nearly 5 years of not drinking, I’ve had to relearn how to socialize and it’s STILL not easy. Just 2 weeks ago I went to a barbeque in the desert, about 25 people. Totally froze up and got so rigid. I still had a decent time, but I was chiding myself for days after for being so anxious and unable to “do it”.
It was a reminder that I need to keep working at socializing comfortably and that I need to extend more grace to myself when I don’t meet my personal expectations.
I have social anxiety and OCD too, I feel you! I noticed my OCD has gotten worse since I stopped drinking, which I’m recognizing as good because now I can more clearly see its impact on my life and address more with therapy etc. I haven’t begun to tackle the social anxiety piece because drinking was a huge way I dealt with that as well. You’re not alone! (Also, I always talk about my cat when the dreaded small talk comes up )
i like to share i guess when it feels relevant, but i always feel the pressure around it. in conversations im much better at asking people questions about themselves than telling my own story unprompted.
this is literally what happened to me this past weekend and why i’ve been obsessing over it! i went to 2 different social events and felt so stiff and nervous and uncomfortable. got tongue tied talking to someone i know and like and felt embarrassed about it.
earlier i had a thought - you literally used to act like a drunken fool on the regular, and getting a little socially anxious is what you’re worried about now? and tbh it kind of helped put things into perspective! i would much rather be an awkward but well meaning person, than an actively self destructive ahole so….
You used the words cagey and withholding earlier to describe what you feel when you don’t share your experiences. Those are judgments and judgments keep us stuck in a pattern of resistance rather than accepting things for what they are. Sometimes things are just things and that’s what it is until you’re ready to wrestle with why you attach those judgments to what you feel or think. Because you aren’t what you feel or think. Who you are is something you have to do some self reflection to find out because you’re the only one who can tell us that.
i’m on the hunt for a new therapist right now, to help me really deal with it. i have control issues, no surprise as an alcoholic. i also have OCD, and i know it’s all related.
I get pretty anxious with people who I don’t know well, acquaintances. Tho oddly when we go on vacation I am chatting up everyone, but we go to a very chatty place lol.
except when it comes to spaces like this lol ironically.