You folks are the most knowledgeable people as a group I have ever found, so I wish to pose a question to you all.
I moved away from home 27 years ago to the complete opposite side of this vast country, never really returning nor ever saying goodbye when I left. But have recently returned back a couple years ago.
My alcohol consumption was pretty high when I lived here as it was for many 20 somethings I suspect.
When I was out west it was a more regular 2-3 times per week, and I would call people late at night when I was drunk at like 3am their time on weeknights and babble on like a lunatic, sometimes sobbing as I missed them.
Anyway long question that I’ll shorten up.
Would it be appropriate to post a short well worded social media post to my friends and family explaining my sobriety that I seek now, along with an apology for past discretions and my battle with not being able to control my drinking once I begin? Probably as close to and as short as that perhaps.
I would write it over a few days so as to reread and proof it. Ensuring it is succinct, and to the point and not a long winded babble (much like this is turning into), offering apologies where they are due and understanding for why I was and why I am trying to change.
Anyway, I thought this would/could reach most people I’d want it too easiest (as many of these people are cast across the country now), or am I potentially involving more people than required and perhaps opening myself up to unnecessary scrutiny and or judgement (which I am not really concerned about as peoples opinions of me is really none of my business).
Just thought I’d ask here and perhaps others have tackled this thought previously and can share insight with what worked for them.
Making amends is a process; it’s good to take time to consider your own specific history and your own specific wrongs, and also the people receiving the amend, and whether it would cause them harm or not. It’s also good to talk about the specifics with someone, in person or by phone, someone who knows you from your recovery work - you don’t have to share names but you do need to dig into the specifics of your history and your wrongs. There is a back story here, an underlying history, and any decisions you make need to be made with some input about that history. You need to open up about that with people who are in recovery, in appropriate spaces, so that you can have an objective outside perspective on this.
Are you in a recovery group? SMART, AA, etc. If so, this is a good conversation to have with someone who knows you from group - they will have more of a sense of your personal story and history, from your shares with them and your calls.
Personally I have found writing letters to be helpful. Most of them I have not sent. However, writing them has helped me to get my story and my wrongs out of my head, so that I can see them and take account of them.
The other nice thing about writing letters is you can share them with someone you know who is in recovery, who can share their thoughts about it, give you their insight and experience.
For me, I post short things on my social media about being sober so they knew I was working on it, but I saved my amends for later. There’s a reason it’s not step one in sobriety. Even though many of us want to make them early on, we should hold off and make direct amends whenever possible after working through each one with someone else. My sponsor was a godsend in this process because she gave me SO much more insight…I would have made a mess of them without her guidance. Writing letters were also super helpful for me. My sponsor knew my inventory from working steps 4&5, so when I was ready for some amends (steps 8&9) and read those letters to her, it gave me a lot of guidance on what to say or not say so I didn’t cause more harm than good.
It’s really awesome you’re ready and willing to right your wrongs-it is very commendable!
For me, I need to get to the root of these issues so I’m REALLY ready to change my behavior from the inside out to make amends and have true changed behaviors and actions following them.
I wouldnt write something thats so personal to you on social media for all to see…especially an apology to the many… i think its much more appropriate to approach those you really care about and want to make amends with in a much more personal way…even a private mesage to the individual is better i think but then i did delete all my social media when i got sober because i hate it lol
I am of the same mind as Starlight. I wouldn’t post a blanket apology on social media. Believe me, I drunk dialed and sobbed with the best, so I get it. The shame and guilt…it eats at you if you allow. You asked for advice, so I will offer some up. If there are people you care about and want to apologize to, they deserve a private message, text, email or call. If you could call them when drunk, give em a call now and let them know how you feel. If that isn’t appropriate for whatever reason, then a letter or private message might be. And yes, often letters are written and burned…releasing it all back to dust.
My own experience has been that I needed to forgive myself first and foremost and apologize to my self.
I think a lot of times, as Mandi and Matt may be suggesting, what we are looking for is being absolved of our wrongdoings and perhaps we look for that a little too soon in our journey. We are all humans and we all do things we regret and that hurt others. That doesn’t make us bad people, it makes us human. That isn’t a pass for doing crappy stuff. Once we know better, we can do better. Learning to forgive, truly forgive, our selves is a huge step. It takes time.
Edited to add: I am not in AA, so if you were asking about this in terms of 12 step ideology, please keep that in mind.
I was one of those drinkers who would say mean things and then apologize. Eventually people stopped hanging out with me and believing me.
When I first got sober I wanted to tell everyone how sorry I was. Someone advised me to show them. Meaning to put in the sober time and then contact people individually to ask them for coffee or a chat so they could visibly see and hear the difference.
I started making amends after 6 months of sobriety (it was an arbitrary number I chose for myself). Almost all of them said they appreciated hearing I had made an active change prior to reaching out.
Are there people carrying grudges from the past who are expecting an apology? Unless you wronged someone so badly they may not remember or care about what happened years prior. People may not understand or use such an adminission against you or stereotype you negatively. Always remember to count the cost and who the audience is. You do you but that is never a road I would go down.
I agree that it isn’t the proper way to go about apologizing to the people that I truly believe I have wronged (or I believe I have wronged).
Also I like very much the thought of writing of some letters, but I could see those never being sent but also perhaps it allows me to get off my chest until that day when I do see them again.
My thoughts on the post were more around explaining my need for sobriety and the lack of control I feel I don’t have when imbibing, but really, why?? It wouldn’t do anything really nor would most people take much note from it because other than some phone calls years and years ago, most I have never directly impacted as I was a stay home drink in my garage mostly guy.
I guess you folks helped me see that it wasn’t necessary and I am still too early on in sobriety really to begin making grand announcements at this stage as I’ve done 60-120 day sober runs many times before… until this becomes more long term I think I will just relish it myself and work through the hows and whys more deeply.
No I don’t go to AA, nor have a sponsor or therapist. Perhaps one day I may, but I’m just not in that space that I feel I need tbh. Not saying I don’t, just don’t feel the necessity of it.
I’m going to keep working on me and my sobriety. My health. The ODAAT philosophy and see where it takes me. There will be struggles of that I’m certain, but with TS, so far, that has been the added network I require that I’ve never had before.
Keep doing what your doing and working on yourself youre really doing great! Theres always space for self reflection but I truly believe your perception of yourself changes as you become more secure in your sobriety and in yourself…you are the most important person to work on right now…through that your ability to forgive yourself will come…once you get to that place youl know when the right time to make amends is or if its even necessary because some people come around narurally once they see how long youve been sober and the work youve put in. I believe in you
Credit where its due, i think the fact that you are asking these sorts of questions says alot about how serious you are about your sobriety and that can only be a good thing, ask away we are all in this together friend
Yup, that’s what is important and the sobriety is coming along nicely and pretty easy so far. It’s the side benefits that are alluding me that I need to keep focus on.
Better health and weight loss, better shape… that’s my priority.
@Chevy55 I think is a good idea but with discretion. You can start with one person and see how it goes.
Be prudent. I remember reading in the white book of SA that sometimes we ha the impulse to say everyone what we have done but is not convenient. Time helps to ponder how to do amendments
Matt : “You need to open up about that with people who are in recovery, in appropriate spaces, so that you can have an objective outside perspective on this.”
I agree with @SassyRocks and @Matt . I don’t offer advice but I can share what has worked for me. In my program I did an inventory,two actually,to really get in touch and find the underlying causes of my addiction and subsequent behaviors. After I completed the inventories my mentor and I went over them together. I found I needed that input to really grasp it all.This led me to self-forgiveness,over time,and to seek ammends with individuals on a personal level. Often face to face. This process was tedious and it took months for me to answer the questions in my inventory. It was painful at times but so worth it. You have the right idea but perhaps it just needs some refinement @Chevy55 .
