I have had many “reasons” for my drinking over the years. I drank because of anger, resentment, pain. I drank to celebrate. I drank when I was bored. And I drank at social events to feel less awkward. I enjoy being social 1 on 1 or in small groups, but I’ve always struggled in larger groups and never feel like I really fit in, or that I’m accepted as I am. Drinking was a way to come out of my shell a bit, feel more relaxed, and frankly just something to have in my hand and sip on so I’m not just standing there starting at people in silence like a psychopath. This of course led to many occasions where I would end up going wayyyy overboard and have the usual hangover from hell along with deep deep regret for my behaviour.
I’m now 6 weeks sober and have been feeling good overall. I just completed a 3 day training course for my organization which is province-wide, so lots of people. It was in a hotel, but I live locally so did not stay there. On coffee breaks and lunch breaks I once again found myself being the odd one out as people grouped together to converse. While it was a little uncomfortable for me I just decided to accept it and roll with it. I did have a few nice conversations here and there, but didn’t really feel accepted amongst some people who I’ve interacted with a fair bit over the years, as I’m not a part of their regular social circle. I found it a bit disheartening to be honest. On day 3, I heard that a group of people (some of whom I had considered to be friends), went out the night before to a local whisky bar. I felt kind of left out and disappointed. I’ve come to accept that these people are just not my friends, but friendly work colleagues and they’re not interested in having me in their circle and that’s fine. I think I’m also wrestling with the fact that I would have really liked to get invited, and as a result I would have had a hard time saying no to protect my sobriety. So it’s good that they didn’t invite me, but I’m also kind of chafed by it. It’s weird to be in your 40s and still worried about fitting in. But it’s not so much about “fitting in” as being included, and having good friends at work the way other people seem to. But there’s no way I would’ve been able to go to a whisky bar, not drink, and not be awkward AF.
Does anyone relate to this? Now that I’m sober, am I destined to just be the social outcast? To be honest, part of me is ok with it as it just seems easier.
With you in solidarity. Same feelings. Same issue. What gives me solace is i feel accepted in the rooms of AA and by my circle of people so just let my ego die a bit, deal with the awkward, and carry on. Cant win em all.
P.s. im glad you didnt get invited to the whiskey bar and feel pressured to fit in
Laura,
This is my first time taking a look at this community section and I was immediately drawn to your post. I know exactly how you feel and was the same for the last 20 years. I’m almost 100 days sober and it’s still a challenge to be overly social with most, even my own family members. You’re not alone, but it’s something I’m sure we will get used to and hopefully will come out of our shells a bit as we adapt to this sober life. I wish you luck on your journey and just keep trying. I’m sure you’re a great person that people would love to be around if you take that chance.
Reading this really resonated with me because I understand what you’re going through. I’ve felt like an outcast many times due to trust issues, which have kept me from forming friendships. Instead, I used to spend time with my cousins, who felt more like friends. Now, I’ve been sober for 54 days, but I often feel left out. I’m not invited to things like I used to be, and it hurts. However, it’s better to feel like an outcast than to risk relapsing for a social night.
Thank you. I also have found acceptance at AA and within my very small, close social circle. I’m also glad I wasn’t invited to the bar. I guess I just wish I was naturally better in those large group settings, but oh well.
Aw thank you. Ya one thing that I’m trying to embrace with sober living is the opportunity to experience the highs and lows of life without chemically altering myself. Im trying to change my perception in such a way that I can appreciate the difficult times as a gift, as it’s all the ups and downs that make life interesting. It’s hard sometimes though.
I used to be a bartender. For a loooong time. I was introverted but good at working and communicating with guests. Out and about, needed a drink to “warm up” and break the shell. But I wasn’t being who I really was. I do a lot alone. My small group and going back to church are helping getting involved in some normalcy with like minded folks. I know that if I keep putting in the hard work and healing, it will be rewarded at some point with some new amazing, caring people in my life. The way it was always suppose to be.
I definitely know what you mean when you say you weren’t really yourself. I would often turn into a very different person when I was drinking and I never really liked who that person was after the fact.
I would much rather be myself and have a smaller circle. I guess I just find these large work events can be a harsh reminder to me of how awkward I am, and it makes me feel not good enough. That’s ok though. Time to get over it and move on.