Something weird I noticed these last few sober days… sometimes I don’t even think I miss the alcohol itself. I miss the routine of it.. It’s realizing how much alcohol became tied into damn near everything I did.
Long ass stressful shift? Drink. Good day? Drink. Bad day? Drink. Family party? Drink. Watch the game? Drink. Cook food, play music, relax at night? Drink.
That shit became normal to me. Like second nature.
Now being sober almost feels awkward sometimes. Like I’m relearning how to live regular life without needing to numb myself or “reward” myself with alcohol every morning & night.
I’m definitely already starting to feel better and I do like it. I’m more communative with my lady , sharper at work & not feelig shit constantly. But I’ll admit , apart of me misses the hang after work getting twisted with my co workers , or chillin at the liquor store parking lot smoking and sippin with the homies , just like those fun drunk nights. I do miss it but I don’t need it. Trying to stay locked in and take it day by day. Some moments feel easy and others feel hard as hell for no reason.
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Its the reward. I like to think of it like lab rats. We go to the reward because we are so used to it.
A lab rat will consume until its dead. Most of us do too.
We are the lucky ones.
Creating new, healthy rewards had been good for me. Forming new habits along the way.
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I know exactly what you mean. Not sure if you’ve done any reading in the AA big book, but it describes things like this. One of my favorite parts is where it describes the reasons we used for drinking and it’s like “taking a trip. Not taking a trip…” I just think that part is funny but relateable. Like everything was a reason to drink. Party? Drink. Hanging out at a friend’s house? Drink. Random Tuesday alone? Drink. Didn’t matter. It was routine for me too so I get that also. It took quite some time for me to not think about drinking so much or care about it being part of my routine, but I got there. Doesn’t make me immune to those thought patterns either though if I don’t keep up my program. And as for the fun times the honest truth is that it does suck a little to know those times are gone, but you’re maintaining sobriety for a reason. Just gotta do your best to enjoy life being totally present and learn to be around alcohol and not let it affect you. Example I went to a concert Sunday and there was alcohol everywhere, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed the show and had a blast. Just keep it up and the mental part will get easier
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Like you, much of my alcoholism was also learned behavior. Having the stimulus (weather was always a big one) without the response is stressful, like an itch that cannot be scratched.
Developing new, real-life, relationships and routines went a long way toward helping me to re-learn how to be in the world, how to feel feelings and have thoughts. A small example is that I started cooking a lumberjack breakfast for my kids (3 and 6 years old at the time) every Sunday morning, and the kids would help. This took some planning, prep, doing, eating, and cleanup, and it filled that time when otherwise I would lie in bed, hungover and reviling myself. After a few years, this breakfast thing got replaced with Sunday evening Mario Kart races, and we played that in person and then jointly online after the kids went off to school and life.
The thing with sobriety is that it is progressive, same as alcoholism. But whereas alcoholism always gets worse, sobriety tends to get progressively better.
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