About that selfish part… imagine how much more serenity you would have in life if you didn’t have to concern yourself with all those 'I’s let alone just one post. 
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I see many people walk into the rooms and walk out never to be seen again, AA is not a 100% guarantee its another option for those who have tried everything and failed, it’s last chance saloon for want of a better phrase.
For me I wanted it to help me and just blindly did what I was told bc too many people there had something I didn’t and they couldn’t all be wrong.
I now go to meetings if I feel like it, I’ll do a bit of service where I can, AA Is not my life AA has given me a life or at least one I now know how to deal with.
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Really helpful…
Funny, a lot of this has cemented many ideas about AA and its judgmental side. Sometimes it appears people who question it are frowned upon. That’s sad. The irony of people who claim to be tolerant and then cannot accept an opposing or questioning view…
It’s great that it is works for some people, though sad that we have to have so much emphasis on so-called character defects and such negative self image when already feeling so low; that isn’t self-compassion. That said, it is important to be self-aware of course, and to learn and try and improve - but to also acknowledge we are not and can never be perfect - we all have traits that will not be liked or accepted and one has to accept that about themselves for true serenity.
Some of this discussion has been useful, thank you. But I don’t think I’ll be an AA convert yet. Not sure how I can be to blame for my dad leaving as part of my inventory of resentments (has this not been explained to me properly???). But I will try and take some lessons from it and be a better person.
This Naked Mind, self-compassion and working on the deep rooted traumas that led to wanting to numb are probably the better way for me to go. Also, thank you to the person who said goals are a huge motivator - that does massively help! Everyone is different right? Do what works for you…
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Just read a great post on another topic on self-love. Definitely learning to accept and love oneself is perhaps one of the most important things in my own journey. Perhaps that’s why I find it a struggle with AA - it’s hard to see how it achieves that.
Just thinking out loud. Sorry for being so ‘I’ centric…
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What you’ll learn is that a 4th step is about your role in your response. Not the action itself. So no, you’re not to blame for your dad leaving, but you are responsible for your emotions that follow. By working a 4th and 5th step you’ll be able to rid yourself of these emotions.
AA is definitely something that takes time to understand and time to work, and it’s free. I always struggle with the authors who charge money for workshops and the like.
As for meetings and loving life I can assure we do. I go to meetings because I enjoy them or to help newcomers, as do most people with multiple years of sobriety. It’s about giving back.
I used to struggle with many of things you’ve identified, and now I don’t. Sure I might have some rough days, but all in all I don’t struggle with life or sobriety.
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Do not appologize, you are a path and have questions. Those who have questions learn.
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Thanks for your responses. That’s an interesting one about emotions. They are a funny thing. Are we responsible for them, can we control them? I wish I could… But then isn’t AA about giving up control? I think I’m confused! Maybe I’m overthinking it.
One person just said to me… their part to blame in some resentments was having to high expectations of people. I resonate with that sometimes. So interesting to ask the questions and hear perspectives. I thank you all for yours! I am the kind of person that needs to know how things work - I’d love to change that but it won’t overnight.
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Indeed, one does not get sober just to spend all your free time in the rooms. I currently go to one meeting a week for an hour. That is enough for me so stay on track, to remind me that I am an alcoholic, that I am in a program that has allowed me to stay sober for longer than I ever have before, so had I better not stray far from said program. I went to more in the early days, but never once a day. However, what works for me may not work for others. Some may need less, some more.
As for your example - no of course you are not to blame for your dad leaving. But some effects from that may continue now, and they don’t work for you, and those are your liabilities / defects.
I had a similar thing in my step four. At age 7 my mother tried to throw me out of the house and told me she didn’t love me anymore. Of course I am not to ‘blame’ for that. But my defect here is I am scared of people rejecting me and not loving me. This is why the word liability is better. It is not something wrong or bad, just it doesn’t support the way I want to live.
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Hun, I have 27 years clean from that demon called meth. Except for an NA Convention I attended in July I haven’t been to a face to face meeting since Covid happened. Part of it is the nearest meeting is an hour and a half away and I no longer have a car. I’m more of a middle of the road type. I attended a lot of meetings for years. First because I needed to hear the messages. I needed to learn. I needed to work the steps. I needed to be around my people. I firmly believe that the program teaches us how to live clean and sober and if the program isn’t for you then it is perfectly ok to move on with your life. Just keep in mind there are so many avenues like meetings, this app and fellow recovering people that are there for you the moment you need help. I’m grateful that there are folk who stay dedicated to meetings. What if everyone got better and gave up meetings? Who would be there to help run the meetings and be sure they are there for brand new folk looking for help? Everyone walks a different path of recovery. Find the one that works for you. That is the most important thing.
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Many are resistant to the idea of identifying defects. Being self critical. Using labels to mark them.
However… Something feels wrong. In order to make progress on “cleaning house,” we gotta have an inventory of the things that could be better.
It sounds dark, but I try to remember the faith part. We also aim to do something about them! That comes later. So, I wrote my inventory taking for granted the promise that once I wrote out defects, I might learn how to transform them.
We just need somewhere to start.
And being honest? It’s not a one and done. As I’ve worked through mine, I learn some were assets I wasn’t using properly. And vice versa, that some things I was proud of might have actually been a source of pain. They’ve even changed with time.
Seeing things for what they are though, to me is the only way to have a place to start. It’s just that though, a start. More is revealed as we go!
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As for this one, well… Not unique to AA! Any room of people has this kind. Doesn’t usually bode well for their own recovery. Especially sleazy in a place where people need to be vulnerable, imho.
Best to steer clear of em.
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Yes to both. AA is about changing the things we can and accepting the things we can’t. I cannot control alcohol at all, but I have been able to change my behaviors and emotions so that I don’t have to drink.
When I was a few weeks sober I had no control over my emotions but through therapy, and the steps I’ve regained that control
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It is good your asking if your unsure, I dont think its something we understand overnight.
I’m new to AA I have alot of questions but I decided to go and to see for myself and put all I thought I knew aside and take the time to be taught or learn how AA could help me.
I’d say dont give up on AA just because you dont quite get it yet, but this is your choice there is no pressure to go, people just tell us what helped them for some that’s meetings daily for others it’s less, they want to help you and understand embracing sobriety is not easy. So they tell us what helped them incase it may help us.
I know nothing about the steps apart from reading them to know what they are, for me I’m taking it at is it comes why think about step 2,3,4 when I havent done step1 yet. They are in an order for a reason which I am yet to start myself.
I have my views and that stopped me joining, but since going I realised I have alot to learn and there is a bunch of people who want to support and help to keep me sober may i need it.
So many peoples lives have been saved from AA.
They say take what helps you and leave the rest.
Maybe try a different meeting, they can vary.
Good luck with your sobriety 
How long sober are you? And what is working for you at the moment?
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Do you use any other recovery programs ?
You have a good amount of sober time.
Iv found AA really helpful iv been to 3-4 meetings in 4 weeks all very different but all very good too I would have been to more except I fell unwell for almost 2 weeks.
I also have learnt about recovery dharma which seems to me to be interesting as I have been using techniques from buddhism already and I’m hoping to be able to find out more about it.
When I had 8 years sober i didnt have any help at all, but theres no way i could of done that this time around as @JasonFisher put it on another thread
“what kept me sober then will not keep me sober this time”
Hence me reaching out for support, which wasnt easy to do either.
Sometimes I think back and wonder if embarrassment and shame kept me sober for 8 yrs.
Just wondered as you do have a good sober time are you apart of any other programmes or support groups?
I know for the majority of people being able to stop with no help for long periods is just not an option and these programmes literally do save lives. I think it also has alot to do with peoples support system, like if they have family or partner for support.
I’m on my own so finding support here was like the most amazing thing especially being the first time I reached out for help and at 318 days sober for me now iv started to feel like I need to add some other support in to for real human Interaction especially as I dont get support anywhere else but here.
I think it’s great to share how we all do it, doesnt sound like your experience with AA was great at all. I think all meetings are different and the people too and I’m going to keep going as I feel its helping me so far.
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what ever path you chose keep us updated on your journey wish you well
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This works really good for me in AA.
I take what I need and leave the rest.
It works good here too.
I pay attention. Just because I didn’t need something today, doesn’t mean it wont come in handy tomorrow.
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I learned this, not in AA, but from some research I was helping to conduct and in my own therapy work. For me, there is a cycle of thought, action, and emotion. How I think colors my attitudes and emotional responses. How I act can influence my thinking, and sometimes my physiological and hormonal responses, which impacts my emotions. The example that arises for me is doing exercise when I don’t want to. But I take that run or that ride or that swim, and afterward my thinking is clearer, my body is calmer and I feel better.
So yes, we can to some degree control our emotions and we are responsible for them. Case in point - I deactivated my Facebook account because I was getting caught up in negative hateful thinking and vitriol. I can today accept other points of view, particularly political ones, as valid (not right, but valid) much easier than I could a two years ago.
Blessings on your house 
.
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Me too, it has what has helped me stay sober to this day, I just feel for me and I can only speak for myself I am so lonely and for me lonely is a slippery slope to relapse down the line.
I need human interaction that’s safe for my sobriety and support from those who understand.
So I am going to meetings and letting the rest just happen, I’m scared to do the steps and that’s me being honest and I have no plan to do them or not to do them, I’m open at meetings if I get a sponsor and it fits well and I start the steps il see where it takes me Because that feeling everyone mentions about it being freeing (step4 I think) I want to feel that but I’m open to it just happening if its suppose to without putting myself under pressure to have to do them.
I also think the more time I have sober again the better healthy routines i have. But the bad days still come.
Thank you for sharing your reply, its definitely interesting to hear how others manage and what they do to keep sober, especially when they have alot of time under their belt.
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Some great comments in here. I agree that loneliness is a one of the biggest factors that pushes me towards drinking. The community element of AA is the one thing I have taken away from it at the moment - that can be really uplifting when people are being accepting and supportive of where you’re at and your differing views. I’ve also found the people most helpful are the people that like the curiosity and give their outlook without forcing it upon me - just ideas and maybe trying to reframe something so it works for you. So thank you for all your contributions!
The recovery dharma sounds interesting - I find Buddhism probably the most helpful spiritual teachings…
As people have suggested, I will try and take the bits I need from programmes and work with those. I need to get out of the mentality of feeling like because something doesn’t fully resonate that I’m a failure - that’s my own insecurities coming out perhaps.
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