Hello everyone, this is my first post on here as I’ve hit 10 days alcohol free. I say that I’m sorta new because although this is my first post, I have been on and off this site for the past 2-3 years, as I’ve attempted to get dry before with this app. I’ve been a binge drinker since I was a teen (just turned 40), and have had many unpleasant/humiliating experiences and run ins with the law due to my drinking. After getting married and having my 3 kids I settled down with my partying, but would still drink too much when the opportunity was there… I could never, and will never be able to, drink moderately… It’s all or nothing. However, I wasn’t drinking daily, just at “special occasions” or nights off, but that changed about 5 years ago…
I had been taking medications for mood stabilization, depression and anxiety and made up my mind to become med-free as I feel they only made my symptoms worse. I’ve successfully weaned myself off of all medications, but replaced my daily meds with daily Vodka.
Drinking every weekend turned to drinking every night, which turned into drinking as soon as I got home from work each day, to needing to drink to even feel at ease in the grocery store.
The drinking exasperated my depression and anxiety, I knew this damn well but just drank more.
My personality began to change, I’ve always been a slightly negative person but I truly felt like I was starting to hate people and resent everyone else’s happiness. I avoided social interaction at all costs, alienated a lot of my family, and ended friendships I’d had since childhood over the past few years. When I would be drunk in public, I sometimes would get beligerant and pick fights, even at a campground in front of my children. At this point I have no real friends, don’t talk to my neighbors, no social acquaintances at work. I have felt so inferior and ashamed of myself, I feel others sense it too and don’t want anything to do with me. I feel like I can’t even hold a conversation anymore.
But, I have my husband and my 3 kids. I have myself, and a decent job which I’ve miraculously managed to hold on to for the past few years. After a particularly blurry holiday season, and an even blurrier and sad 40th birthday pub crawl that ended with me sobbing at the bar, I decided to sober up. I’ve decided (even though I knew this all along) that what matters most above all is for me to be the best mother to my children that I can be. I had an alcoholic father and would not wish my childhood experiences with him on anyone, especially my own babies. I felt I was different, that I could somewhat function while plastered with Vodka and not be a “mean drunk”. But I’m so much like my father it’s scary.
Anyways, I’ve shared a lot, thanks for reading. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to about this, and feel a need to get these feelings out. I’ve considered AA, went to meetings before for court years ago and was in a totally different mindset, I feel it would actually help now. I’ve been reading a lot of your experiences and advice on here and it helps.
Congratulations on 10 days Michelle and making the decision to become a better version of yourself thru sobriety. You seem to be in a better mindset for AA this time around. Give it a try. It took me about a month to get my ass in that chair and now nothing can keep me from my 2 favorite meetings each week. I look forward to following your journey. Join us on the daily check in. Here’s the link.
Checking in daily to help maintain focus #7
Welcome! I too was a binge drinker who eventually drank daily. That is the progressive nature of the disease, so It’s good that we’re stopping it now before we graduate to the next stage.
I hope you stick around!
Thank you Lisa!
Thank you! I intend to stick around, if I slip back into my old habits I know it will keep getting worse.
Everyone’s story is different but I can always relate. Self hatred and becoming irritated by others accomplishments. No friends since high school bc they all seemed to be doing great and I didnt think they’d want to be around what I had become. Addiction is an extremely lonely life. I too have been in trouble with the law twice bc of alcohol. I didnt take the help they tried to give. I didnt understand yet and wasn’t ready. You have to be ready in order to receive it wholeheartedly. For me it was finally time to change. I did it on my own(and this app) for 2 months but I needed more and recently started aa. I highly recommend it. Especially if you weren’t ready the last time you HAD to do it. I never thought I’d enjoy it as much as I do but its helped me so much. To let go of the past and work on myself for a brighter future. Ive got 74 days now. You can get there and beyond too! Good luck on your journey 
Thank you, and congrats on your 74 days!