Meeting at noon tomorrow. Not used to admitting defeat or asking for help…
Surrendering is beautiful.
May have taken a run in the wrong direction for a few months…
Lol who cares. Be free. Surrender. The moment we think we know anything, we actually know nothing and will be bitten in the ass. The rooms will embrace you with honesty and understanding. Let go and let god.
There is a dichotomy with overcoming addiction. In order to achieve victory, you must first surrender. You aren’t surrendering to your DOC. You are surrendering to sobriety. You must give up any ideas of peaceful coexistence with your DOC.
Then you must declare total war, declare your independence, and be willing to fight like hell to defend it. This means coming here every day, going to meetings, talking to your doctor, approaching a trusted sober friend and asking them to be an accountability partner, and if you can’t find one, getting a sponsor. It means getting comfortable being uncomfortable.
Surrender to win. My life got so much better when I stopped pretending I had everything under control, and when I asked for help.
You are not admitting defeat.
Say you are trying to move a large fridge by yourself… You look at it, maybe even try and think of ways you might possibly just be able to do it yourself. At some point you just have to stand back and accept that it’s simply too big for you to move yourself. It’s not defeat, it’s smart. You know you will only injure yourself and make things worse trying to do it alone. You do the smart thing… You ask for help. People don’t see you as someone defeated, they see you as someone that needs a little help with something that is too big for them.
Full out honestly, which I have been scared of for a couple months. Since my decision to attempt to “drink like a normal person” (man, do I hate saying that) I started to drink everyday. More everyday. Freaking out when the bottle started running out. Hiding the drinking. Hiding the bottle under my pillow. Pretending I spent the missing money on bills. Bills that are still unpaid. Only fantasizing of yoga, running and showering. This never used to be like this. Never this bad. Im scared. Everday I go to the stupid liquor store. Every first sip. The liquor store manager has seen me everyday for two weeks (because I lost my ID and its the only store that knows me) the last time he saw me I got the look of shame (or pity?) I know I have a problemand I tried to hard ass it away “its no big deal” “fuck it”. Its getting worse… I’m counting down till noon. Im scared. Ive tried this before, but my friends all drink- or those that dont have “given up” because of how many times I have tried to quit. I have a million reasons to be sober… But why is it some part of me doesnt want to be? I know the “rock bottom” I know the “maybe you’re not ready” Ive died and I am… but why am I so damn afraid to be!!!
I am so scared to ask for help because I’m supposed to be the “strong” one. I’m supposed to have everything under control. I don’t. And that is horrifying.
I felt that way too. It was such a relief when I walked into a meeting and accepted that I was a hot mess. The weight lifted was amazing.
Choosing to surrender is the strongest thing you can do . It takes true courage!
I’ve been there. Same thoughts about being the strong one. The one in control. I took care of everyone. I couldnt possibly show weakness or emotion. Hell, I forced myself to never cry at funerals. Even my own fathers.
I got to the point that I couldnt function. I didnt care if I lived or died. Heck I wished sometimes I would. I tried everything to drink as you said “like a normal person” but it didnt work. I’m not a normal person. I’m an alcoholic. No shame in admitting it. It’s like a diabetic trying to eat candy “like a normal person”. It cant happen. We have a disease.
Let go. By giving up “control” and asking for help you free yourself. Then you win. Move past the fear.
You’ve got this!!!
You’re going to be ok!
I used to be slave to the liquor store. I had some that didn’t need my ID. I had some later than would sell to me when I was pretty obviously drunk and then they just choose not to see you getting in your car. I had liquor stores that I carefully rotated so I wouldn’t look like I drank as much as I did. I do not miss all that. I have not walked into a liquor store for a long time. It took years before I could pass some and not notice it.
I’m going to cheat and give you an answer. The part of you that doesn’t want to get sober even though the writing is on the wall IS your addiction. It is playing for keeps here. It knows you are thinking dangerous stuff if it is going to keep drinking. Lots of sentences go between the previous and the next sentence regarding struggle with your addiction but well skip to condense. Your addiction will always be a part of you and it will always need to be managed. You don’t have to be it’s bitch!
It is so brave of you to share with us. Stuff that makes us feel shame is so hard to volunteer. Welcome to the club.
I like to think of surrendering to win in a few different ways. Here’s one of them.
Say you’re on a sinking ship, by yourself, in shark infested waters and no life vest. You put out a mayday, and a ship arrives, full of other people from sinking ships who came together to rescue folks in trouble on the open sea.
Do you stay on your ship, with your bucket, shoveling out water and hoping to not sink? Or do you join these people who will take you aboard, and only ask that you not drown before you can get back to safe harbor?
AA was one of my life boats. I let go of my pride and ego/sinking ship and took their helping hand. Now I get the pleasure of extending my hand to that traveler in perilous times who is exhausted from shoveling water out of their own sinking ship.
Admitting you are powerless is the bravest and strongest thing a person can do. Don’t EVER forget that.
YOU CAN DO IT!!