Hi all, first time posting, first time seeking help.
I have been with my wife for 9 years now. Since we first started dating she has taking drinking too far. Over the course of 9 years, I can count at least 15-20 times where she has had too much to drink and done things she is sorry for the next day, if she can even remember them.
We are both 38 years old and I feel that the drinking like this should have passed, although I don’t think this level was ever normal. From falling down drunk, starting fights for no reason, to flirting in front of me, I feel like I have had enough. There have been plenty of times where we drink and have a great time, but at least 2-3 times a year where it goes too far. We can easily split a bottle of wine, but if there is more in the house she tends to drink it or start very early on her days off (11am).
About a year ago, I got so upset about a night of drinking that we almost split up, she promised me she would change. Six months later same story on vacation, “I will never drink again”, and tonight here we are again. Am I partially at fault for continuing to drink with her and try and moderate it? We have had this discussion so many times, but it just keeps repeating itself.
I am truly at my wits end. I don’t know what to do but I know a lifetime of this is not healthy and I can’t continue like this. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Sounds like you are trying your hardest to support her so you’re doing the right thing here
I’m going to step a little off side here and just come out and say it sounds she’s an alcoholic. She’s definitely drinking alcoholically by the sounds of it.
It’s a bit of a cliche saying but if you put her in a lie detector test when she says “I’ll never do it again”, she would probably pass it. Alcoholism is an illness and it requires compassion and support as hard as that may be but you are right to be at your wits end, most loved ones get there eventually.
I wouldn’t say you’re at fault for drinking with her and trying to moderate it - she needs to realise herself that she can’t moderate and if you tell her that, it’s going to piss her off and “she’ll show you!” and she’ll probably get blackout and do something stupid.
I’m an alcoholic and addict and nothing anyone ever said was going to change my behaviour; it took a lot of commitment to be an alcoholic and active addict and it’s very difficult to give up that relationship.
There’s a person I’m very close with who isn’t an addict but behaves exactly like one - ultimately, there’s a behavioural problem there and it won’t change unless something changes so, I have changed my way with them and we’ll see if it works but… everyone changed their behaviour towards me, a hospital visit and a damn good look at myself later, I put down the drink and drugs.
It’s rough, I feel for you. You really have to look after yourself so if you’re happy to not drink, don’t drink - all you can do is remove your enablement but if she is an alcoholic, she will still drink.
Welcome Paul.
I live with an active alcoholic. My wife and I were drinking buddies for ages. At 60 I called it quits and got sober. Thanks to this wonderful app. When my life became unmanageable I finally got my ass to Al-Anon
It’s saving my life and I’m still fighting for my marriage.
It’s a program for me. Not how to get her to stop. First I learn the 3 C’s
I didn’t Cause it.
I can’t Control it.
I can’t Cure it.
But I did learn I can Contribute to it.
Check out the thread @Jasty2 told you about if you’re willing.
I’m sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. I’m always around if you want to reach out on that thread or just vent.
If you feel you cannot handle her alcohol abuse anymore then maybe it’s time to confront her about stopping or leave her all together. No one deserves to be married to an unrepentant alcoholic.
