Spouse as accountability partner?

Advice & Questions
1

I’m curious if you guys think having my spouse as my accountability partner is a good or bad idea? I’m a recovering porn addict. I’ve been honest with my wife about the fact that I have this addiction since we were dating. However, I’ve never gone into more specific details about what type of websites I go to, etc. I guess it’s easier to say “porn” & hope she assumes a soft-core picture rather than something more extreme like a hard-core video. If I relapse I say “I relapsed today”, but I don’t tell her how many hours I spent or that I did it multiple times, etc.

She’s currently my accountability partner. The only thing that means to us is that I will tell her every night if I was sober or not. If I forget to tell her she needs to ask me because most likely I didn’t forget but was avoiding the topic due to relapse. Is this a good arrangement? What other duties should an accountability partner have?

The main reason I picked her is that she actually cares if I recover, so she can remind me. If I pick a friend, they have their own life & family & won’t remember to ask me every night. However, does it need to be that frequent? Or can I just talk to them when I need it or after a relapse?

I assume with an accountability partner you’re supposed to be completely honest about your behavior, is that correct? With a spouse it’s tough because you’ve already hurt them emotionally by relapsing, but giving more specific details could hurt them more. I sometimes avoid telling her I relapsed because I’m afraid of hurting her (& of her reaction), even though I know the damage is done by my act of relapse & hiding it only creates more damage. She actually is always nice about it, just saying she’s disappointed/sad & moves on to another topic, but it’s still hard to tell her after a relapse. & I know it’s emotionally tough for her to hear about a relapse even if she hides it. By being dishonest I feel like I’m perpetuating my addiction, rather than healing from it. Often times I avoid her after a relapse but after a few days sobriety I man up & tell her that I relapsed a few days prior. It’s like I’m afraid I might relapse again & don’t want to tell her over & over, but after a few days sobriety I’m less afraid.

I feel like on this message board & with certain friends I can be 100% honest. Do I need to man up & learn to be 100% honest with my spouse or is it better to explain to her that I’m going to pick a different accountability partner who i will be 100% honest with & it’s better for her just to trust that I’m putting my all into recovery & that she doesn’t need to be part of this roller coaster ride?

Advice?

1 Like
2

Let me step in here. I’m also a porn addict, married with 4 children, one on the way. Good career. My sobriety story seems similar to yours. I know I should be 100% honest with my wife, because shes mu best friend and I believe we’re United in more than just a civil contract, but spiritual union.

That being said, she is the one person I have the hardest time being honest with. Telling her of a relapse fills me with dread. She always responds fine and doesn’t do anything that should make me self-conscious to tell her. I dont know why I have a hard time though.

If it were me, I would seek a different accountability partner. The sensitive material you’ve encountered doesn’t need to be her problem. But, it does need to be discussed and given up. You dont have to follow my advice. I just wouldn’t do it myself, because I know I wouldnt be able to share everything. I’m ashamed and embarrassed by the disgusting things I’ve witnessed. I can’t tell my wife that.

Hope it helps. For what it’s worth.

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4

For something like this, I would recommend a different accountability partner. The nature of this type of addiction is that it has the potential to wound your spouse with each relapse. Consider the feelings of inadequacy that an admission of relapse can cause.

Additionally, you have to consider the gender differences. Men and women are wired differently. One is not superior to the other, but the schematic is different, the “programming” is different, and the “processing” of stimuli is different. I would recommend male accountability partners for males, and females for females.

Lastly, a good accountability partner loves you enough to get in your face, and tell you the hard truths. Having your spouse as your accountability partner invites a whole bunch of hurt and resentment bleeding over into other parts of your relationship. A partner who has some degree of emotional detachment can offer insights, advice, and wisdom that would be much more difficult for someone as emotionally invested in the relationship, as a spouse would be.

I have had accountability partners for areas in my life in which I have struggled, and have been one for others as well. I still have one, and am one. My good friend of 12 years needs help in professional and relational areas of his life, and I am his partner here. He is my partner with regards to areas where my nature butts up against my faith. This mutual support of each other forms the foundation of our friendship. We talk via phone at least once a week. In general conversation, each will pick up on something, and we each have an unspoken understanding that we are trusted and allowed to press in, and ask the tough questions. When I am angry, tired, frustrated, his first question to me is “how’s your prayer life”. Usually, my answer is something to the effect that “I’m just saying words. Not much contemplation behind it” . He’ll usually respond with “Think. Pray. Shut-up. Listen.” His struggle is with getting back up when knocked down professionally, or relationally. I will counsel him to “Observe. Orient. Decide. Act.” There’s more to it, but basically, this is the role we fulfill in each other’s lives. He is the contemplator, and I am the motivator.

Sorry for the long answer, but I feel strongly that choosing the right accountability partner is something that should be given a lot of thought. Hope this helps. That is not to say that you shouldn’t be completely honest with your spouse. If they ask whether or not you have been sober, or struggling, tell the truth. Just don’t burden them with the responsibility of holding you accountable for your thoughts and actions.

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5

Thanks everyone for the advice. This helps a lot.