Iām sorry youāre dealing with this. Iām an alcoholic/addict myself and have only ever been with abusive, alcoholic/addict men, so I know Mr. Hyde very well. My latest ex was extremely verbally abusive when using, but never physical. I had never experienced that before so I didnāt realize how bad it was until it was too late. It was like opposite Stockholm syndrome. I felt trapped in my own house with no where to go. Things finally ended after a long and drawn out break-up, thank God Marriage is a bit different thoā¦
I have a Mrs. Hyde of my own, and bc of her, I know that quitting for someone else doesnāt work out. At least it didnāt for me. You have to truly want to do it for yourself. If he doesnāt stop, things will inevitably get worse. @Dazercat gave some great info about Al-anon already. Iāve been to a few meetings and it does help. All I can add from my experiences is to please just take care of yourself. Donāt put up with things you shouldnāt. Know when to stand your ground and when to walk away. I hope things get better for you All the best
Sorry not sorry to say: your drinking spouse sounds like an abusive, harming dick, no matter what the sober version is doing. for sure talking to sober him will not effect drunk him. this is a codependent pattern/thinking we often fall for.
I left my ex because I couldnāt bear his drinking, lovelessness, speechlessness and ignorance any more. Others than yours mine refused to speak or he blamed me for his feeling shitty and everything in his life, I never had a clue what he was talking about.
The sober times did not make up for the drunken hurting. Love alone is not enough, a relationship needs work & engagement from both. Mine put no effort into making changes or better our relationship and I stayed until I didnāt. Boom. Itās still hard after nearly 2 years. I personally am ways better off now allthough we still have not settled the finances after divorce. It took me more than a year accompanied by intense therapy to realise how much destruction his behaviour had caused in my soul and itās a long way back to my genuine self. What I can say after another 9 months: Itās so worth it, peace and serenity, ease of mind, rest, quality in trusting relationships without the exhausting ups & downs (not romantic, Iām done with this until I digested my marriage fully), so much I donāt miss. What I miss is the lovely version of my ex, the one without alcohol. The tragedy is, you only can live with both, you can detach from the drunk version, but in the long run it changes you, exhausts you, hurts you to an unhealthy extent if nothing changes. And the only change you can control is yours.
Sending you strength, peace and kindness
Please get yourself out of the dangerous drunken confrontations. Verbal abuse and verbal violence wonāt stop. You donāt have to bear it, in contrary, it might cause some feeling the consequences of his behaviour when you leave him alone in his drunken verbal rage.
Hey Vii, welcome!! That is a tough spot to be in. My first husband got real verbal when he drank, and then later, worse. I know it is really hard and a lot goes on in our heads and homes. We can hope they will change, but in the meantime, we have to take care of ourselves. And sometimes that means leaving in order to stay healthy mentally and physically.
Talking to him when he is sober and not hungover is helpful, but sadly, this is his problem that has big effects on you and only he can fix his stuff. It sounds like you have some options of where you can go? That is such a good thing, I hope so.
You and your mental health and physical health are so important. I know it is hard to see a loved one struggle with drink, who they become and unable to stop. But it is equally as hard to allow ourselves to stay in a situation that is killing us inside and I am so sorry you are in that space.
Please take care of yourself. You deserve peace and care and love. You can give all that to yourself. Keep us posted.
So true.
I love the way you put this. Hit home for me this morning. And this is why Iām surrounding myself with recovery. It makes it a bit less hard.
Oops sorry. A little misleading. Not verbally abusive over here. Just an alcoholic spouse that wonāt help herself. Whatever our situation. Itās hard.
Marriage is a bit different thoā¦
