Spouse needs advice please 🥺

I’m here for advice for spouses dealing with a alcoholic that is back and fourth with if they want help or not any advice welcomed he gets verbal when drinking


Welcome to the community @Vii

Addiction is tricky when It comes to partners dealing with addictive behaviours. The only person who can convince them to get sober is themselves.

There’s a thing called the stages of change in addiction if you want to google that. It will give you a better idea of what happens through this.

The best I can tell you if to find a support group for yourself. AA and other recovery models including Smart Recovery have partners family and friend groups for support.

I wish you all the best.


From the Al-anon site, FAQ - Al-Anon Family Groups

Many who come to Al-Anon/Alateen are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change. We all come to Al-Anon because we want and need help.

In Al-Anon and Alateen, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.


Thanks so much for advice it is hard. Just went to a family house for the weekend because the verbal out burst that last for hours I can’t deal with any more I told him today if changes aren’t made, meaning us going to counseling that I won’t subject myself to the verbal abuse anymore. If cause I got the I’m going to change and he can stop and limit his alcohol. Sadly I hear this everyday. Glad I found this site.:heartbeat:


Yes, you definitely do not deserve to be abused nor do you have to put up with it. These are the consequences to his drinking that he’ll have to live with if he doesn’t change.


I agree. I’m glad I’m on this site as well to help people that need to know how alcohol can negatively affect families and spouses


You may find this bread helpful. Welcome….


Ummm…THREAD, not bread!


Sorry about your circumstances V.
When my life became unmanageable because of my wife’s drinking. I finally got to Al-Anon. It has saved our marriage. She still drinks. Sometimes it really sucks. But I got a program now for me. I’ve learned so much going to meetings. And I’m not alone. People there understand what I’m going through.
First thing we learn is the 3 C’s
I didn’t Cause it.
I can’t Control it.
I can’t Cure it.
But I can contribute to it.

We got a thread. I think I just saw @Pattycake post that thread :wink:

We can only take care of ourselves and I know I’m worth it.


Bread can be helpful :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:


Yes I’m going to get into the program for me and others like me, but what did you do in the meantime when the drinking got so unmanageable I stated to another member that this weekend I got so tired of the verbal arguments when he drinks that I stayed at a family members house just to get a break I didn’t know if it was the best situation but I know it gave me some mental peace but I also know that keep on avoiding and running is not going to save us but it feels good to be able to have a weekend where he’s not over drinking from morning till night without eating and getting verbal that’s the way I’ve been handling it for now until I get in a program and if it saves us great if it doesn’t that’s also great I’m just at the point where it’s just not mentally healthy for me


You just do what is best for you. It may or may not kick start the journey to sobriety but at least you’re safe and healthy that way.


That’s a hard one.
Fortunately I have access to lots of recovery where I live. I’m still going to 4-6 meetings a week. Sometimes just to get out of the house.

What I did in the meantime…….i drove myself crazy. Worrying about her. Wondering if this is the time she falls and kill’s herself. I avoided her. Took many walks with my dogs. And I continued to work on my sobriety. I been sober 4 years now. It’s kind of like she lost her drinking buddy. I do a lot of meditation.

I don’t have any friends to go hang with. But being a guy. A big guy, I am safe at home. I hope you have friends or some place you can go and be safe. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

There are Al-Anon meetings on line too.


I’m going to do on line meeting first because it’s more convenient. I just know that from previous experiences because I was a nurse in rehab that leaving isn’t the best option. I also know that I have talk to him sober and he’s well aware from family and myself how he turns verbal when drinking. When I feel bad for telling him until he works on quiting I can be around him. So in my eyes I feel he knows sober so if he wants to save us he would do it. Waiting until he’s ready just will be emotionally in healthy for me. I am safe at a family house…when he’s sober he’s not verbal. I think alcohol my be triggered by underlined mental illness that’s undiagnosed


These are my 2 favorite readers.

I’ve read many more.

It takes time to learn new behaviors.

I started learning some slogans and acronyms that I liked.


Before I speak. is it


I just learn some little things at a time. We cannot fix or change our old behaviors overnight.


It’s a disease.
And the only cure is not to drink.

A therapist would be helpful. But you can’t make him not drink. You can’t make him get a therapist. You can only take care of yourself and be responsible for your actions.

My sponsor told me to google YouTube videos of Enabling. It was very eye opening for me. Especially since I didn’t think I was enabling her. We have to give them the dignity to make their own choices. Even if we think they ate bad choices.


It’s very hard. Just like sobriety we have to take it one day at a time.

And First Things First.

Any time you want to vent go over to that thread. It gets some traction around here. At Al-Anon we try to keep the focus on ourselves.

But every once and awhile it’s nice to come on here and vent, let it all out. Feels good.


Yes I agree my new out look on this is I can be there for support if he wants but until alcohol is no longer part of his life then I can’t be either. It would be different if he wasn’t a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde when he drinks but unfortunately he is


I’m so sorry. That’s a good boundary. Can you follow through with that? It will be tested.

I’m generally around here a lot if you got any questions. Check out that thread when you got time. We are not alone. Almost everyone’s life has been affected by an alcoholic or addict.


:laughing:I’ll be sure to keep that in mind at the meme wars thread…:stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: