Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do if your spouse does not share the same opinion of getting sober?
I’ve been in this relationship for 3+ years now and although he says he feels the same and wants to stop and has been trying hard. Every day he asks if he can have “one beer” or a “six pack” I always fight for our soberness. We just went 7 days…first sprint of sobriety in months, and last night I got home after a few hours away (the first time I left him alone in a week) and as it was a Friday we drank alcohol and now I’m sitting here, saying to myself, that was the last time… Again… I just want it to stop. I’m sure when he wakes up he’s going to say how great he slept after a week and how much better he feels, he thinks of it like that.
I just feel worse. I know we are on different paths. I feel sobriety makes me better and happier while he thinks of it as a chore that he might get a break from at some point. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you
I hear you. That sounds frustrating for you, which is understandable. It sounds like you are finding sobriety as a value add to your life and he may be seeing it as giving up something…which is also understandable…we aren’t always on the same page, even if we want to be.
For me, it was really important to separate my desire for sobriety from my husband’s actions and his drinking (or not). That was not easy at all and it took me a LONG time to be able to work my sobriety and recovery despite his still drinking. What helped me was really focusing on what I could control (whether or not I drank) and letting go of what I could not control (his drinking). That involved a lot of talks and anguish and me heading to bed early when he was still drinking…it was rough, no lie.
Before I write a book on that, I will share these threads I put together and hopefully they will resonate with you a bit. Please know you are not alone in this…and that you can get sober with a partner who drinks. 
Does your partner still drink? Some threads you may find helpful
Thank you 
I’ve been down that same road with my spouse. We’d fight daily about it. I almost left him. The great people on this forum reminded me that I’m responsible for my own recovery while he’s responsible for his. I backed off and allowed him to do it on his own terms. It took him 4 months to jump on board. Life was very difficult during those 4 months. All I can say is… don’t allow his actions to control your choices. AA helped me a lot. Going to meetings was a way to escape the drinking going on in my home. I wish you the best.
Hi Lisa. Unfortunately, it is virtually impossible to give up until you are ready, and despite him saying he wants to, he just isn’t yet ready… I had the same problem 7ish years ago with smoking… it does make it incredibly difficult… yet my husband finally did give up a year after me!!! Frustrating, as it was possibly easier for him as he didn’t have the same temptation I had to deal with… however, with drinking, he does not have an issue… he likes to occasionally, but he has cut that back virtually to nothing. He’s never told me why he’s gone doen that route, but I am sure he has done it in the hope I would follow his lead… which I am now. It will make your journey hard, but my god you will feel so righteous if you can while he doesn’t, and he might start to follow in your footsteps. Almost ignore his choices, if you can, pointing out his shortcomings is likely to make him worse. Good luck. Tx
I definitely hear ya. I’m in the same boat as you. We just had our 37th anniversary yesterday and for the first time I didn’t drink. Wifey still drinks. She had cocktails at 5 like everyday. We’ve drank and partied together for close to forty years now. We weren’t/aren’t raging alcoholics but definitely abusers of alcohol. Maybe we are/were alcoholics. I don’t know. I just got tired of stopping for brief periods and starting up again. I also blame a lot of stressors in our lives. Some major stressors are now gone in my life and I turned 60 this years and I just got tired of being fat drunk and hungover all the time. I didn’t want to do AA and found this app. I was actually keeping this app secret from the wife for a couple of weeks before I told her about it. We had a real honest discussion about emphasizedMY SOBERITY text. It went really well. I’m enjoying the benefits of sobriety. No hangovers. Clear head. Driving and not worrying if I had too much to drink and so many more rewards to being sober. I’ll be honest too, in that it was really tough at first becoming sober and wifey drinking every day. But I got 156 days now and it is much easier. And wifey has drank every one of them. Everyone around here has been a great help. My grown up children are in recovery and doing great! So I got a lot of Alanon tools and AA tools and rehab family weeks tools that I have been able to use as well.
I think the biggest thing is Don’t have that first drink. I know I’ve never “just had one” drink in my whole life. Always leads to 2 or 3 or 10.
Sorry for the long book.
Keep at it. One day at a time. Your worth it. And we all deserve the benefits.
Thanks so much for all the replys.
Just wondering, wasn’t it hard enough to have alcohol readily available at every single corner, every single restraunt, every single grocery store you go into… wasn’t it hard enough just to not go in there, or say no to it. Let alone having to go into your own home where you feel safe and comfortable, just to have your partner in life have brought that substance into your home… Be drinking it, getting tipsy and annoying, not give you space, and be drunk around you?
Its really annoying to be around a drunk person when you are sober. Let alone having an addiction yourself you are trying to over come
Yes, it was hard having booze in the house being drunk and listening to a drunk person. It was very hard and I doubted myself a lot. Nights he was drinking were the hardest. He isn’t a mean drunk, just drunk people are not interesting to hang out with…their goal being just drinking more.
I did ask for no wine in the house…we have a stocked liquor cabinet which is not a big issue for me.
It was definitely hard, especially in the beginning. I spent A LOT of time in our bedroom by myself or out working out. A lot of time in the bedroom or in the bathtub or sleeping (early, thank you Benadryl).
I hear your frustration and resentment and that is understandable and normal under the circumstances. Can you keep your focus on being sober today? Just get thru this minute or hour? Are you able to head to bed early or go read or soak in the tub or otherwise be away from him drinking?
I know it is hard, I know it takes every ounce of strength…even now I remember thinking it impossible to get thru a day. It can be done tho. Can you tap into some inner strength? Do you do meetings? Might get you out of the house (assuming there are meetings, you do them,they are open etc).
Everything seems impossible until we do it. It IS hard, but we can do hard things. Do this for yourself, for your health, for your peace of mind, to build yourself up and to grow and be the fullest expression of your self.
I experienced this nightly for months. I would try to ignore him which was very difficult especially when I was getting verbally abused. I couldn’t wait for him to pass out so I could have peace. I wish there were a magic wand to make it all go away. It took a dr to tell my husband he had diabetes from drinking to get him to stop. If it weren’t for that dr, we’d probably be divorced by now.
Thank you so much for your words of advice and sharing your experiences. It’s nice to hear that you didn’t just give up on the relationship. It will just take me being stronger for myself. Now that things are opening back up, I’m hoping it will be easier and I can get out of the house away from the negative atmosphere. Good advice guys! Thank you
I hope that does work out well for you, as I’m counting on the same thing. I had almost 5 months before COVID and was feeling great but having my life taken away, and being trapped in my home with an alcoholic/addict was too much. I’m going back to work next week so I’m excited to finally have some time away. These past few months definitely put a lot of strain on our relationship but I have hope things will get better with the world normalizing. All the best