I am sticking to it but I do not like it altogether. My thoughts are crystal clear and they all hurt. My pain medicine makes me sleep 18 hours a day and sometimes more. It is a good escape but it isn’t much of a life. And when I am awake, tortured thoughts. I want so bad to break this pattern up a bit and have a little alky. I want equally bad to stay sober. It is hard. It sucks. I know I sound like a raincloud but that is how I feel. 
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You never have to apologize for what you feel. Your feelings are your feelings, and they’re as valid and useful as rain refreshing the flowers and the fruit trees.
It’s a hard life. It sounds like you feel kinda stuck in this pattern and you feel like you’re not being and doing what you wanna be and do.
Well, negative people are not very good for others. Except for hating myself for my failures to others, i am not negative on a personal level…I am grateful for everything that the angels bestow on us, although my conscience will not allow me the freedom to just love the clouds, the flowers, wet sidewalks, cars with headlights shimmering on wet sidewalks, crickets, cicadas, kitties, dollies, butterflies, autumn leaves, the moon, and innumerable other miracles that bring joy. Nope…i do not deserve these things, and if for just a second or two I feel joy, the next second and all the rest of the time that i am actually awake, I feel the stab. My loved one is not here to enjoy these things. My loved one suffered so much. And I didn’t do everything that I should have for my loved one. Not when they needed help and indeed throughout my life. It took losing my loved one for me to take a good, long, hard look at myself in the mirror and what i saw was not pretty. Metaphorically, i mean. The outer shell does not matter. On a macro level, I am very negative, because alongside the beauty in this world is also gruesome cruelty both in Nature and in civilisations, disease, pollution, etc. And the thought of evolution, nothing after this life, just dying, a big nothing as before we were born…that is depressing. Others say, after we are dead, we won’t care, any more than we cared before we were born because it will be the best definition of Nothing that I can conjure up in my mind. Yet, that does not help much while you are alive. It is enormously depressing.
That’s a heavy emotional load to bear 
I’m sorry you’re feeling stuck there. It sucks.
Get this into your skull…alcohol is poison. It will not help you. It will make your situation worse. That’s it.
Heaven awaits. That is what I’m looking forward to after death. God has my back.
Have you tried prayer? It works.
Not for me. The most ardent prayers for the most drastic need were not answered. I do not know why, but I theorise.