I haven’t been on here for months with my reason being I relapsed. At first I said I would maintain myself and keep it together before it gets too bad. Thank God I did manage to keep my life together. I became very good at hiding, which is not a good thing. I knew I needed help but could not admit it to myself. I quit therapy and just lost my self worth. I ended up making a session after not being in for 3 months. While checking in with me, he asked me how my life is going regarding addiction. I didn’t bring it up, he did. I mentioned a prescription I was picking up monthly, which I didn’t need. His next question was if I have abused this prescription. I have never lied to him before. I barely let him finish the question before I responded quickly, loudly, and defensively by saying “I didn’t do anything wrong!” He answered by saying okay but In a nice way. He offered me solutions and I left with another appointment scheduled. I really thought he did not know I was lying. I started reading online about lying to your therapist, and by the way he responded to me and the way I responded to the question, I know he knows. Yet when I was leaving, he told me not to beat myself up because me coming in was a sign of strength and not weakness. Why would he say that if he is aware was using? This brought me to flushing my pills last night before bed and waking up on day one of sobriety. When I go to my next appointment, I know I can be honest about it all so I can find a way to forgive myself for this relapse.
Thanks for letting me share my struggle I am facing today.
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Well done for seeking help and starting again.
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Why did he say it? Because he knew those words of gentle affirmation - and those words are true, your choice to come in was a sign of desire to grow, desire for change, and that is a sign of strength - he knew those words of gentle affirmation would help you see, help open your eyes, nudge you forward, so that you can flush those pills away and keep moving forward, one day at a time.
Strength is not perfection. Strength is being aware, and moving forward, and reaching out for help. You have strength. You have capability. You have the power to choose, always.
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I have never heard strength described as being aware. That is a note I will jot down for when I fail to see it in myself. Thank you
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