I couldn’t take the pain anymore. All day long my trauma memories flooded me. I told my sponsor and she said goto a safe place. I couldn’t find a place so I called my qualifier and we hooked up. This man is an alcoholic and he triggers me to want to start drinking again. I stopped drinking in 2015. I told him that but he doesn’t care. Now I want him again today but I can’t bc we are both to busy. I am sad that I have to tell my support network what I did. I am ashamed of my shame. I want to do this again and that is worst part of it all. Trying to stop. Only God can help me now.
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Im sorry to hear of ur relapse. Try not to keep the relapse going tho. Whay can u do today to ensure that u will be sober? I know for myself one of those things was deleting and blocking phone numbers. It was just too tempting for me to want to call during hard times. And there were alot of hard times in the beginning of recovery. This person doesnt sound like he has ur best interest at heart either 
Do u attend mtgs? Maybe trying some recovery related things today would be helpful 
wishing u all the best!
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@Mandeekay I hope that one day soon you can begin to forgive yourself, because the behaviors are part of the disease of the mind. It plays tricks on us in our maladaptive ways.
I remember reading a post of yours before regarding your father. Addiction is horrible how it can make someone look for relationships that are as unhealthy or worse than those that caused the behaviors.
For my addiction to be challenged, I had to begin to challenge the fears that made me believe I’d never be loved, accepted, wanted, valued. I had to look into my past and the situations and experiences that I had that altered the way I created a lack luster self-image. Once I used some tools/techniques, found a really good therapist, confessed to my doctor and family/friends about my actions, it seemed to have forced me into finding new ways to think about myself as a person, a human being. One that is unique to me but similar to that of so many others. I have feelings, thoughts, emotions, physical features similar to others, but my experiences, views, values, and beliefs are unique to me. No one can experience something identical to the way I have, and that gives my shares in those experiences power. That power can only come when I share them with others. It gives someone else a different view than their own, and then the ability to compare their experiences with that of someone else… Giving them the chance to challenge their feelings and/or emotions in that next moment.
You @Mandeekay have value in this world. It is powerful to others to hear (when you feel safe and ready) what you have experienced, and it gives them the chance to grow as well. Before that could happen for me, I needed to start loving myself, regardless of what happened in my past.
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Yes! God came through! I started over this weekend by going to 3 meetings and church. I was able to forgive myself and move on. I blocked and deleted my qualifiers. I helped others and was there for them. I showed up for my children. Thank you for your support.
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Thank you for your support. I started over. I forgave myself and moved on. I am working on a spiritual connection with me and my hp. I am showing up for others and being kind. I have compassion for myself and others. My story will help others. There are people who do already accept me. They are my support system and I’m happy to have them !!!
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