I lost my job over this, i almost lost my gf doing this. (This is not my first language) She said it is almost the same as self harm and cutting my self in a way, just dont notice it right away with extrenal scars for the world to see. Instead you wear it like a neckless on the inside of your shirt. Keeping it tight to your chest so no one will see. I though i had control until i couldnt face any social situations whitout it and it all of a sudden had me in control. Its been in my family for a long time, could say its in my blood to turn to alcohol. Feels like a lame excuse though. I just want to be good and go around beeing happy whitout having to turn to liquid courage… i drank before work, then at work. Until i had no job to go to. Found a new one and tried to work around drinking in the morning to get rid of the hangover from the day before. The shame and inability to change paralyzed me. Iv put a break on it since then (2 years ago) now i only do “controled” drinking. And my friends dont seem to bothered cause i hide the bottom of the iceberg.
I want to stop but i am afraid what happens if i dont. Last thing i want is to hurt the people around me, i would rather die than inflict pain upon the once i love. Still i return to the same pit of despair that circles around my mind all the time. I lie and underplay my addiction. But the biggest lie is the ones i tell my self just to get through my day with a shiver of selfworth.
Today i was 8 days sober then a big disapointment came my way, and then my grandpa who i love got very sick. Its an escape, i downloaded this app 8 days ago. Though i would last longer. This started when i was 23 yo, now im 28. Dont know why im sharing this or why anyone would care to read it but i felt like putting thoughts here to reflect and maybe get some input. I know im not alone in having these problems but it feels that way right now. I just want to get back to the status quo where im contempt with beeing my self aigan.
Hello,
Don’t worry you are not alone in this.
Its better to stop because i went for rehab for one week and believe me what I saw was… I cant explain it. The results of not stopping are quite scary.
Don’t give up, i didn’t. My Christmas and New year eve were without alcohol for the first time. I was on name’s day party and didn’t drink.
Welcome @Doobie
This list of people should and needs to include you.
Without your health being 100%, you’re no good to anyone else. This is because it limits you from being able to give it your whole effort.
Thx man. The last thing i want is an intervention where i end up in rehab after.
Glad to hear you did new years sober 
Thats very true my man, my gf has been saying the same thing. It just didnt sink in though. Now where on the brink of breakup cause she cant just stand and watch me destroy myself. But the number one hurting is me i guess. So il keep that in mind when i wake up tomorrow.
I put my marriage into separation because I didn’t get the understanding. Don’t let the rest of your relationships go this way. You’re worth more than that.
Its hard to read you that you weren’t understod. Its a rare comodatie and you deserve that and so much more! Thx so much for kind words and i wont let the love of my life slip away if i can muster “something” enough to prevent it . I hope
The only suggestions I can make is challenge your views. Don’t fear, fear itself. The other side is and can be beautiful and everything you strive hard to make it. Your circumstance and situation in life from birth to now has significant value and meaning, you just have to find your meaning of that.
The pain, suffering, emotions, and life never go away. You’ll have to face it some day, even if down the path of darkness… Only thing is, is that path is way more lonely, torturous, isolating, and a black void.
Get help from whatever and whoever you can. Grow in your understanding of yourself, your life and the life we’ve chosen until now. Then move through it.
Surround yourself with positive healthy supports. Trust your GF. She loves you man… More than you can imagine. Would she have put up with this shit as long as she has if she didn’t? Being honest and vulnerable with her and yourself will shed this dark shadow looming over your shoulders.
Welcome. 
It is good to share with people who know. For me I had to believe that I had worth and deserved to fight for a better life. I was so disgusted with myself that I felt like not trying. I must have had a glimmer of hope because I was on this app. You have worth and deserved a better life too. What have you tried until now? What extra could you try?
I got you, it aint going to be easy and a swift escape from emotions isnt the answer. Thx alot for the reply 
im seeing a doctor next week and il take it from there, i feel kinda powerless atm. But its a journey of self recovery as you put it.
And yes my gf is beyond what i deserve,…if she hadnt been through alot herself she would probably been gone by now id figuere. Wouldnt be here if not for her.
You deserve much of what this world has to offer including the person that is so enthralled with your existence that they are willing to be by your side through this pain and anguish.
I have a question…
Have you ever heard of ANT’s? Automatic Negative Thoughts? They can occur consciously, subconsciously, and/or unconsciously. If you recognize this is occurring for you, talk to your doctor about it. They can give you a lot of helpful information to battle it.
Welcome to the forum. Hang in there. You are worth fighting for and so are the good things in your life.
Thx alot
Havent heard of ANT, though its was just regular depresion doin it. I apriciate the thought