Staying on the wagon

[Tmarie]

Hello,

First time posting and looking for support. Thought this was just a time sober tracker but i discovered this community. Being an alcoholic/addict its a lonely isolating thing. Even though i am an introvert/loner anyway.

A little background, I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother who drank everyday of my childhood. She worked, always had a job full time but after would come home and drink a 24 pack. She would cry and hug me wishing she wasn’t the way she was. Dad wasn’t a drinker but did smoke pot. When i was a teen she really deteriorated and became emotionally abusive so i left home at 16 and went to a teens shelter.

I started smoking cigarettes, then weed as a teen. Always hung out with older people who introduced me to meth. I really lost myself until about 22 years of age living in a homeless shelter just skin and bones and found some sobriety in a program there. Got clean from meth and quit smoking. I got a job and an apartment for the first time. A car and a license, met my first husband. I had my first drink while we were married but it wasn’t a problem then. I had a back injury and got addicted to pain pills though.

Ive now lost my mom, from her drinking she put herself in a bad situation where she was held captive for days and beaten and raped until she was unrecognizable. She died years later from the brain damage she suffered. Ive also lost my best friend recently after her 40th bday due to drinking vodka like water, she passed away from multiple organ failure.

Fast forward to now. Divorced and remarried. I have 3 children with my new husband so thats 5 children plus 2 step daughters. So 7 children!

I dònt take pills anymore and never picked up smoking cigarettes again but have started drinking. I am a closet drinker and am sick of who I am become. Its been a good 10 years of drinking, not everyday but not long periods without it unless i was pregnant and had a newborn. I have a lot of reasons to drink, like, trama and stress. Alcohol really is an awful way to cope. I dont like becoming like my mother either. I want to be there for my kids and remember everything each day. But i have a huge urge to numb myself with it.

I feel like drugs and alcohol have broken me. I dont feel like a whole person. I just want to be normal as possible and make a normal life for my kids. I dont ever want them to see me intoxicated again. Then i do it again and again. I have a week sober. Ive got to get it together.

Thanks for reading. Kinda all over and left out a lot but I know I’m not alone here.

T.

[SassyRocks]

Welcome T and congratulations on your week. You are definitely not alone. That is a lot to go through for sure and it is understandable to not want to feel all the feelings of trauma in your life and numb your way thru. And still you don’t want to be your mom and you want to be there for your kids and maybe give them a different legacy. I hope you stick ariund here and find support and community and understanding that we CAN stay sober and heal from all that crap that came before and is harming us now. Idk if you do any talk therapy, but that helped me along the way to just get it out of my brain. I am glad you wrote and that you are here. You definitely are not alone in wanting a healthier sober and less painful life.

[Matt]

Welcome T, it’s nice to meet you, and you are definitely not alone! All of us have dig holes for ourselves and the disease of addiction is deadly. We need to get to a place where we’re not killing ourselves.

There’s lots to learn here on the forum, take a look around, you’re sure to find threads that speak to you. Looking forward to seeing you around!

[stand_like_an_oak]

Welcome! Taking the initiative to change is the first step to changing. Congratulations on your 1 week. This is the hardest part and if you stick with it, over time, it will become easier. Sending positive vibes and God bless

[LeeHawk]

Welcome, T! I’m so glad you found this community! You can absolutely kick alcohol. Whatever recovery program worked for you in the past might be a good place to start. You are such a strong woman.

[Tmarie]

Thank you all for your kind comments. Really. I am American and live in France now, I speak enough french to understand and get by but i have really isolated myself even more with moving and being a stay at home mom in a tiny town.

I’m glad I found this app. I plan to stick around.

[Law1]

Wow, stay on here it really does help you are not alone

[Chiron]

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story. You have clearly been through a lot and have had quite the intense life experience in this area, it seems. One week is excellent. Each day you succeed is worth accolades and congratulations, especially in the beginning.

I also have an addict mother and have been through quite a number of addictions myself. It took a lot of self-reflection, but I realized that I have had a very strong desire to escape as far back as I can remember. It probably ties into my abusive childhood and growing up being in a disassociated state fairly often. In many ways I grew up to be a “strong” person, but on a fundamental level, my ability to cope with the basic stress of life was very low.

These days I work hard to stay constantly in touch with myself. If I feel that desire to escape, even on a low level, I start questioning “why?”. What is it that seems hard, even if it’s a little thing, and I figure out a way to soothe myself in a healthier manner. I have things in my life that I allow myself to “escape” into if needed. It was hard to accept the truth that I can’t actually take on the world in the way that I would like, but the truth is slowly allowing me to build up that fortitude that would have been better to learn as I grew out of childhood.

I share this because your story resonates with me on some level and perhaps some of my thoughts or experiences might be useful to you. I wish you all the best in this. You really can do this. I hope that this forum and the people in it will be a helpful tool in your sobriety toolbox as you continue forward.

You are definitely not alone.

[Tmarie]

This is great advise and yes very relatable. I need a better ability to cope and understand my reasons to escape. It feels weird to congratulate myself for stopping doing something i shouldn’t have been doing in the first place. Baby steps. You are very wise, Im glad Ive found this place. Thank you