I silently watch the foodies thread as I quite enjoy other people enjoying nice food. Sometimes I even see things that inspire me to try something out, or maybe not try it but at least ponder the idea. Its just so hard. I look at the food that other people are making and the ingredients that they must keep in their fridges/pantries all the time. I cant do that. I cant have food around me its so fucked up. If i have food around me I obsess over it so much I will throw it away or I will forget about it intentionally after obsessing and it rots. Even if I buy things with the intent of spacing out meals with them, I will eat way more then I planned the first day and then end up throwing the rest away because I have eaten “enough”. Its like I need to get rid of the threat. The obsession and compulsion with my eating disorder is soooooooooooooo strong.
It is crazy to me how much/often healthy people eat and the effort people put into their meals. It really puts my illness into perspective.
I hear ya my friend.
I cannot imagine first hand that kind of a struggle.
However, and for what it’s worth. I wake up most days thinking about food and what’s for dinner. Where’s lunch. It drives me nuts. Most mornings walking the dogs with wifey it’s all about where’s lunch? what’s for dinner? We had that yesterday! Or we’re having this tomorrow so we don’t want to go there tonight! I consciously try really hard sometimes not to mention food on our walks. And it’s really hard for me to do that. And I’m always bringing up what’s for dinner while we are eating lunch. I swear Kelly wants to smack me when I do that. I don’t blame her. And I hate it when I do that.
I’ve been in the food industry all my life, but still; Thinking about food is an obsession for me.
The last few weeks making those sugar free bread puddings. I binged. Bought those keto friendly sugar free ice creams last week. I ate one of those after my huge serving of bread pudding. I didn’t need to do that. And I felt terrible after. I didn’t buy any sugar free dessert at the market yesterday and I’m not making any bread puddings this weekend. My punishment for being back at 200lbs. And that’s my goal weight.
I’m watching football right now and can’t stop thinking about where’s lunch? . Drives my crazy.
Thanks for letting me crash your thread.
Glad you posted.
@Its_me_Stella
Posting over here on your thread seemed more appropriate than clogging up the foodie thread. But I just wanted to say I am proud of you making yourself that meal and posting about it. I’m also very grateful to you for doing so as I’ve been on some bad restrictive cycles lately and was just about to skip lunch, using a busy work day as an excuse. Instead I saw your post and went to throw some veggies in the oven to roast. I feel like I am sharing this meal with you and that brings me some peace in this moment.
Its been a hot minute. I just checked in because I am feeling some anxiety about recent weight gain. I think I will reach out to my therapist via email, she told me I was always welcome to. In the years before I would not have done that because i wouldnt have wanted to bother her, my life wasnt worth her time. Well it is today, Im done suffering and I need help.
These are the thoughts to keep. I am glad you have gained back what you lost being sick. Seeing her is good ( as long as you appreciate what she has to say and find it helpful) because a lot of your change will be a learned behavior ( I think) and checking in w your coach will help you be accountable and stay on track for your goal. Big hugs and love for you. Proud of your progress all the way around. xoxo
I tried, I wrote out the email but I didnt send it. I have an appointment with her in Friday, I will be ok until then. I always have this fear that if I make a big deal out of anything everyone else will too and I dont want that. Often in my life I have underplayed where I have been at with my mental health out of fear. Often they have said in my reports “the patient presented well…” when in actual fact I had been an absolute mess and screaming for help inside. When I say absolute mess I mean that in the most frightening of ways. The fear of losing control of my life is sometimes stronger than the fear of dying for me. I am definitely not anywhere near suicidal right now just using past experience as comparison for how strong this fear can be. I really have to work hard at calming my mind, even get myself to eat, it is such a huge ordeal. These pains that I have stored in my unconscious haunt me terribly and convincing myself that I am safe today… well I guess most days I am just not convinced in this regard.
Its so fucked because I absolutley hate how I look when I am super underweight and I dont hate how I look when I am at my trigger weight (which is still underweight) but the number makes my head spin like you cant even imagine. I like the way my body feels when i am really underweight, and I dont like how my body feels when i am at my trigger weight. It is PURE INSANITY, and the most insane part is that I get the whole part about this just being a vessel for this life time. I feel that with my heart but i cant shut the thoughts up in my head. I think I need a fucking lobotomy.
I hear you. But maybe, sometimes, it IS a big deal? Your health …physical and mental…IS a big deal. Idk. I just hear your pain and I feel like instead of using our quiet, don’t rock the boat voice, wait til therapy on Friday thoughts, we may need to ask for / to reach out / to advocate for our deep inside little girl self. It is okay to send an email to our therapist when we are raw. Just my $.02 and do not want to overstep.
Just looking up at my last post here and my update is I managed to hang on without relapsing back into extremely restrictive patterns. Yay me.
Today was day one of a 4-week readiness group and tomorrow is day 1 of a 10-week DBT group for ED. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed before the meeting started today and was having some pretty defeating thoughts but I just hopped on the gratitude thread and wrote a gratitude list instead of letting my head get ahold of me. It worked well and got me to my meeting. Tomorrow’s meeting starts early, I won’t have time to get nervous.
Just taking this one day at a time, I am still not comfortable with my weight gain. I am in a headspace where I am trying to bargain with myself, trying to figure out a way I can lose weight in a “healthy way” without anyone noticing. That is my illness trying to gain control of me again and I am aware of it. It’s just like substances there is no “healthy way” for me. Once I start a pattern of restriction and lose weight it becomes obsessive and compulsive, one lb is too many a thousand is never enough.
I will try to check in tomorrow after the DBT group.
Phew, I got hammered in the middle of the night with Norovirus but I did manage to make my Zoom therapy group at 930 am. Grateful for that.
Some interesting things came up for me during therapy today. It was just a intro day, no heavy material but the facilitator asked some good questions that got me thinking.
“Who has done DBT before?” Well I have this will be my 3rd go around. Sitting with this took me back to the question, “Why are you here again?” Its a question I have asked myself in recovery before, many times. That image of recovery not being linear is burned into my mind because mine has sure been messy. Messy, but always on an upward trajectory no matter how shallow the slope.
2 years ago I asked myself in an absolute fit of desperate rage, " How can you still be here???" as my mind was completely ruled by obsessive thought patterns and compulsive actions. I had only had a couple of months of breathing room where my obsession to pick up drugs had disappeared. I didn’t understand how I could apply a program of recovery to one aspect of my life and not another. The simple fact was I couldn’t, and the more I tried the more I was met with resistance from the fear inside me. Again today I could have said to myself, “You have used DBT to overcome your urges to self-injure, to regulate your emotions and why can’t you apply what you know to your ED…”
I am grateful that I don’t need to ask this question today because it doesn’t come from an inability to be able to, my problem is that I am missing the willingness I have found to help me recover from my other illnesses.
The second question the facilitator asked was “what do you hope to gain from these 10 weeks of therapy?” I have learned in recovery to shine a light on my darkness so I raised my hand and said “I’m hoping to gain a more consistent willingness to be healthy.”
My beautiful dear friend Please be patient with yourself on this. As you know, good lord I understand literally everything you are saying. The way my body feels at a healthy weight is triggering, I’m not a fan of how I look grossly underweight, but for some reason I feel better in my skin. I don’t weigh myself now and refuse weigh ins at the doctor. The oncologist mandates it because of my transfusions and medication, so I step on the scale backwards.
Of everything we’ve kicked, this one is the hardest. We don’t need alcohol or drugs to survive, but we need food. Our relationships with food are convoluted and complex. It’s a journey where we need to focus on the small successes that are leading us to the healthiest us that we can be.
I’m not sure about you, but the feeling of food in my stomach is triggering, so I started with foods that didn’t leave an uncomfortable feeling in my belly. A lot of rice cakes and salads lol. I gradually added more foods as I got stronger.
I’m pulling for you. It’s the hardest thing ever, and trust me, I’ve had a few slips with this shit show of a life I have going on. Thankfully, I’ve been able to reel it back in. But that monster will always be in there and it’s a dangerous slippery slope.
You know how much I love you and how special you are to me. I believe in you and I’m your biggest cheerleader 🩷
Bought those keto friendly sugar free ice creams last week. I ate one of those after my huge serving of bread pudding. 
Please be patient with yourself on this. As you know, good lord I understand literally everything you are saying. The way my body feels at a healthy weight is triggering, I’m not a fan of how I look grossly underweight, but for some reason I feel better in my skin. I don’t weigh myself now and refuse weigh ins at the doctor. The oncologist mandates it because of my transfusions and medication, so I step on the scale backwards.