TW! 
Eating Disorder
Checking in…
I think I need to? Im not sure so I will.
I have not seen my eating disorder therapist for a few weeks because she was changing positions and yesterday was supposed to have been our first appointment in a while. It didnt happen though, I showed but apparently I had missed a phone call to reschedule and she wasnt there.
During my time with her I managed to gain 7 pounds going from a scary underweight to a not so scary underweight. I was satisfied with that, but I was surprised to hear I wasnt in “remission”. Apparently remission isnt when you are eating “something” its when your disease is inactive, go figure. Through Dec and Jan I suffered terribly with stomach viruses and then a bout of food poisoning and ended up losing all the weight I had gained. I will be honest it was a little defeating and a lot frightening to see how quickly all the hard work I had done unraveled. It is easy for me to lose weight, its easy for me too just not eat, but to shop, prepare and eat healthy food is a feat. Recently I witnessed a member in our area waste away with cancer, it was only because she we a healthy woman she lasted as long as she did. My body could never fight like hers did, that scared me. Being in recovery has shone a whole new light on my life, I value myself greatly, I love myself greatly and I dont want to die anymore. I feel like I am living in this contradictory place between my heart and my mind with my eating disorder. Once I was over the food poisoning I started myself on a much more rapid weight gaining program, its working and I am mildly freaking out. I have also amped up my yoga from 3 days a week to 7, sometimes 8 which is typical of my sick behavior to “earn my calories”. I know that i just have to keep telling myself that I am safe,that theres nothing to be afraid of, so I will do that.
My body feels better when I eat.
My faces looks better when I eat.
My hair doesnt fall out when I eat.
I can think clearer when I eat.
God, take my will and my life guide me in my recovery, show me how to live. Just for today. 
