Stella's Cracked Looking Glass *** Trigger Warning ED ***

Life in Recovery
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I wasn’t sure how I would approach my ED with DBT when I first started, but I have to say it has been quite helpful. We are coming up to the end of the first module, Distress Tolerance. The goals of this module are to learn how to survive crises, accept reality and become FREE ( of having to satisfy the demands of your desires, urges, and intense emotions)! Omg, that is so what I want!!!

The crisis survival skills I have found most helpful that I have learned in the last ten weeks are The STOP skill, TIP ( changing body temperature), self-soothing ( 5 senses), and distracting.

Then the whole section on reality acceptance was terrific. It included radical acceptance, turning the mind, willingness, half smiling and willing hands, and mindfulness of current thoughts.

Mindfulness of current thoughts was what we covered yesterday. It is something that I have been working on a lot on my own in the last two years of recovery. Observing my thought, trying not to analyze it, not suppressing it, not judging it, maybe asking some questions about where it has come from, or why I have suddenly thought such a thing.

There is this famous Dialectical saying, " Just because I think it doesn’t mean it’s real." When I learned that saying in my first round of this therapy many years ago, I grabbed onto it. It gave me so much hope knowing that there was a chance that the thoughts I had about myself might not be the truth. I am still running with that phrase, and the longer I hold onto it, the more self-defeating thoughts are shed from my inner dialogue. I can notice now when my " lower self" speaks up in my mind; she has a different voice and a recognizable way of speaking to me.

Since January, I have been doing quite well. I am afraid to talk too much about it, though in case I become triggered. The obsessive thoughts have been lifted from me for now, and I don’t want them back.

I believe we give much too much power to our thoughts.

This video is a good one.

:heart:

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Great share Stella!! Jon is so awesome too, thanks kindly 🧘‍♂️

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“Don’t believe everything you think.” Fuckin’ a! I say this to myself at least once a day. :heartpulse:

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I have started a thread on DBT as I knew there were other people doing this type of therapy. I think I will link my homework into this thread when it pertains to my ED.

In the last few months I have been accepting a lot of invites out to food centered gatherings. That has always been a no go for me in the past. I noticed some thoughts happening at our book study a few weeks back. The whole chapter is focused on our relationship with our bodies and I found everyone’s shares so triggering. Since then I have felt as though I am grasping onto the edge of a muddy cliff ready to fall. I believe maybe I have just done too much too fast, or maybe I have not been able to find my voice around boundaries I need to make.
Anyways, I will figure it out. I am grateful for all the support I have and that the people who accidently trigger me would do anything NOT to do that if I just asked.

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THE ONLY CHANGE YOU NEED

Your body has been changing,
since the day you were born,
and it will continue to change,
until the day you die.
Fighting that change is a life-long battle,
which will bring you much misery and sorrow.
If you can accept your body early,
in this journey of life,
you will see it thrive.
You will automatically look after it,
and you will save yourself a world of pain,
metaphorically and literally.
You are not a fashion trend,
or a mannequin.
You are a human being,
made of flesh, bones and heart.
And you are pretty awesome,
just the way you are.
Don’t change the way you look sweet one,
change the way you see.
It’s the only adjustment you will ever need.

Donna Ashworth “I Wish I Knew’

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Character defects creeping in again…I can smell my sickness.

anorexia nervosa (AN) is characterized by preoccupation with body experience, intrusive concerns regarding shape, and pathological fears of weight gain. These symptoms are suggestive of unrelenting self-focused attention.

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It is tough :purple_heart:. You are more than your weight, you need food to fuel the wonderful person you are.

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This post worried me. How are you doing, dear @Its_me_Stella?

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I’m sorry. :heart: I’m here if you need to talk, about anything. (Not always here-here, but Whatsapp, messenger etc)

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I am alright, nothing to worry about its just exhausting. I have been doing so well and need to remember that recovery is not linear by any means. My substance abuse recovery has taken me 17 years to get to where I am… My self injury recovery has taken me 7 years to get to where I am… having an expectation that my eating disorder would be any different is crazy.

The DBT has been very helpful when working with emotions that come up around eating and food related anxiety. I think I just maybe was feeling comfortable and have let some supports go too soon and now have not as many for when the weight gain is upon me. Of course I have tail spun into old behaviors and thought patterns. And of course they have come with vengeance because that’s what happens.

I see my Dr on Thursday so I will have a chat then. Thank you for your concern, life is a bumpy road.

:kissing_heart::seedling::dizzy:

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Progress not prefection.
:pray:

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I have been doing quite well accepting the healthy weight that I have gained. So well that I am even appreciating how my body looks with the few extra pounds. I mistakenly weighed myself a few weeks ago and I haven’t even able to stop but so far it hasn’t triggered any restricting of healthy food. I am 30 days today of no sugar and that feels pretty good, I really just want to eat well. I want to feel at peace with the vessel my spirit lives in and most days I have that.
I can feel the energy that my food gives me, I can see the benefits if has on the strength of my nails and the sheen of my hair. I know that I would not be able to be doing yoga 3 times a week if wasn’t eating properly and I am loving yoga so that is a big motivator for me. My addict does keep trying to push thoughts of heading back to old rituals but I have been able to shed light on them and beat my addict back so far.
I feel like I am winning for once, today I am winning, and maybe I can win tomorrow too.

:orange_heart: :seedling: :dizzy:

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Congratulations on your 30 days sugar free Stella!

image

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29.53… lol
I was rounding up.

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It’s funny I didn’t post about it here, I thought I had but it must have been in the check-in thread.

Slowly over the last month or so the intrusive thoughts have been getting more often and louder. I have noticed small changes back to old behaviors and rituals. I had posted ( not sure where it was) that I guessed it was time for me to reach out for some support. I never did that of course because my head voice has assured me " it’s not that bad… you can handle it." I laugh as I type this and I even laughed as I heard my addict say it to me because I know better today. Yet I still didn’t follow through with that phone call. I did, however, put it out into the universe. I have talked a lot about the thoughts that have been starting to come into my mind, the ways that I have been controlling my calorie intake, etc and of course, the universe heard me.

I started this thread last Aug and I suppose that is when I finally decided to accept a referral to the eating disorder clinic at the hospital. I have been on a waitlist since then… THEY CALLED TODAY!!! I just finished my 28 weeks of DBT last week I think and now I have my intake for this clinic in two weeks. I am really happy about the timing, and I am so grateful that these services are available to us.

I am looking forward to moving on to the next part of this healing process, and what a process it’s been. :heart:

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Wonderful, amiga! I hope they have lots to offer you. I’m grateful you shared here - it’s nice to read some good news today.

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Atta girl my friend. :hugs:
Ya, it was on the check in thread.
I swear Gods timing works best.
I hope our God continues to put the right people in the right place at the right time for you.
:pray::hugs:
I’m delighted for you.

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I’m so excited for you!!! This is wonderful news!! Ur self awareness blows me away every time! Ur such a true inspiration to me :tulip:

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