Big hugs, I am sorry that a thread u started ended up triggering you. U are strong, and u can do this. It may take time, it may be up and down, but u can, I believe in u.
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See how badass you are??? Just powering through all those uncomfortable feelings was a victory. One thing at a time, and remember to reflect on your small successes, because they all add up to give you that big success you crave and deserve. I know you, I know you can do it. I also know that it’s the hardest damn thing on earth. Keep being completely open because maybe it will give insight into what causes the emotions, anger, sadness, resentment, whatever it happens to be. We are going to get you there together because you are freaking amazing, and you deserve a healthy and long life! 
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Just a friendly reminder Stella…
Whoever the person is that wrote this can really empathize with how I feel. “Viewing pleasure”, " Judgement" “Convenience”… these are three ways I as a person and my body have been treated. Sometimes at the hands of the industry but other times through situations I have put myself into due to lack of self respect, self love and morals.
I can’t even say “relearning” because I fear I have never known, so learning and understanding that my body is something valuable and precious takes alot of brain power. It’s alot of changing thought patterns and sometimes it feels physically impossible to veer my thinking a healthy way.
At the Monday night meeting one of the topics was honesty in recovery. It was a rather small meeting lots of women, the three men that were there I felt pretty safe with. I shared my truth about my eating disorder. I just need to keep shining light into this darkness… my addict hates its and shrinks into the corner everytime I talk about it. As soon as I start to let it eat me alive in secret I am losing this battle.
I am pretty sure that I will never be that addict that can put their gloves down even for a moment. Fighting this disease will be a full time job for me for the rest of my life and most likely it is going to rear its head in my eating behaviors.
I always say self awareness will save my ass, but being self aware and unwilling is useless. Self awareness and having the willingness to get raw and honest, that will get me somewhere.
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You know i am with you on the fighting the addict inside me always… I get that constant battle you fight so well but least we are accepting these gremlins instead of them always winning x
Always I admire you.
A true virago.
As always keep being kind to yourself you beautiful soul!
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I accepted a referral to the eating disorder clinic this morning. I had my appointment with the chronic pain nurse and she brought it up ( like she does every call). This time I said ok.
I have been rejecting help for this for about 13 years, I think I am ready now.
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Proud of you!
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Good on you friend. We’re all works in progress. We need all the help we can get. We’re all in recovery. And recovery is so much more then just working our addictions. I’m fighting the addict inside. But also I’m fighting the reclusive inside. The avoidant person. The borderline one. The guy who has problems with his sexuality. With his self image. His gender identity. I can go on. Is one thing the most important? I don’t think so.
It is true though that at this point in my life being free from addictions is the prerequisite to be able to work on all the rest. Funny thing is when I started to write this I wanted to disagree with you but writing I come to the conclusion that you are right. I’m also an addict that can never put down his gloves, not for just one moment. For me porn is another form -next to substance abuse- of addictive behaviour I need to be aware of forever. And other stuff will pop up I am sure.
However, we are fighting a good fight. It’s a fight for a better life, for self awareness, for honesty, for clarity, yes, even for our happiness ( I hardly dare to write this). A fight for love. It encompasses all. And it’s fucking worth it. Thanks for being you and being here friend. Love.
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I’m very happy for you and proud of you. I believe that you will bring the clinic to a good end. You are unbelievable inspiring
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I am so glad to hear this! I think your acceptance of the help is a huge stride. Proud of you💗
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Thank you, for this honest account of the journey in eating disorder reality. I appreciate your honesty and your growth is so valuable. This disease is relentless and just when one thinks they have overcome certain aspects of it there they are again and one finds themselves in the same spot battling the same behaviors. Mine started at 12 and I’m now 43 and still struggle. Currently weighing myself 3× a day, (I finally weigh exactly as much as I did when I was 21), over exercising, restricting food/fasting and purging if I’ve eaten too much of the wrong things. It’s honestly so tiring. Your post gives me hope that maybe someday I can break out of the cycle too. But you’re right…it’s fear driven and fear of the lack of control too. I’m sorry if my comment is too lengthy…I’m not trying to make it about me but wanted to relate with you.Thank you so much. 
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DBT is and awesome class to take and so is CBT they will help you sooo much keep up the good work
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I. Love. This. Yes!!!
The truth is that it is hard to keep shining the light. So few people understand and it gets exhausting to say we slipped or we are struggling. My whole life, I’ve been judged solely on looks alone. As you know, I modeled briefly, but it was outside of that. The only worth I had was valued in my looks. Not from me, but outsiders. My therapist asked me how am I so completely confident in my professional abilities and the polar opposite with personal relationships. The truth is, my looks don’t come into play business wise. If anything, I try to make myself more plain so that the focus is on my ability. I’ve darkened my hair, I dress professionally and conservatively, wear my hair back, and wear glasses. It’s the only place where my looks don’t matter. Half the time I work with people long before I actually meet them in person.
For you, having a career based off appearance and weight has certainly damaged an already unhealthy body image. I’m so glad that you got a referral. I’m so happy for you. You’re in the fight of a lifetime as you know. It if anyone on earth can kick this in the ass, it’s you my dear friend!!
You know I’ll be here every step of the way. Call me, scream, cry, whatever. I’m doing it along with you! We are going to kick this together!
#donutsdrivethrudoctors
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Thank you for your comment, it means alot.
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I told my family that I accepted the referal. To share this information is a pretty big step, it just cements my decision further. Everyone has been very supportive so that is good.
Sometimes it scares me when I realize how distorted the perception of myself is. The weather is getting cooler now so I dug out my fall clothes and nothing fits. Apparently I shrunk this summer but all I can see are bulges and lumps in places I don’t want them. I often have wondered if I am standing infront of one of those funny mirrors at the fair or maybe my eyes are warped. No, it’s just my brain, my fucked up brain. I wish they could just shock whatever section of my brain it is that is so messed up. I wish that all of this could just be taken away at once, the substances, the ED, the self injury, the screwed up feelings around sex. Gah!!!
My eating has been better but definitely subpar, at least it has been nutritious. I do notice myself checking out emotionally as I eat most times. It is uncomfortable to be present when I am eating. I also check out emotionally during sex… hell maybe I check out emotionally during everything. After telling my mom about the referal she offered to pay for Psychiatric services if I felt I needed them. I may take her up on that one day.
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Had a brief convo with the cousellor from the ED program today. I was at the grocery store of all places…
She is retiring at the end of Oct so feels like I should try to get into the program in Naniamo. That’s an hour drive from me… not super interested in that. I guess COVID has screwed with job coverage and at this moment there is nobody lined up to take her place. Crazy shit…
Anyways she seemed rather concerned about my intake and mentioned meal replacement drinks to try to get my calories up. Suggested I talk to my GP about this and that I start “mechanical eating”. Force feeding basically because I have no hunger cues…
I am feeling pretty “meh” about this right now, it just feels like too much effort today.
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That is a big disappointment, I am sorry.
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It will be ok, I have faith.
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Sorry your counselor is retiring. Bummer.
I totally get the “meh” feeling. Maybe it is too much today. That’s why we got tomorrow. You’ll figure it out.
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We were definitely separated at birth.
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The last few days I have been trying to accept more invitations to food oriented get togethers. Typically I try to avoid them. It is hard for me to participate due to all of my food intolerances and of course the ED gets in the way. Being in an environment where the focus is food, eating, ordering, needing to look at ingredients, etc, etc sends me into a tailspin of obsessive thoughts.
Yesterday I just embraced them, I am so sick of judging myself and getting upset about not being able to stop them. So as I obsessively scanned the menu at this resturant probably (I am not kidding) 20 times weighing out in my head the calorie content of each meal, what in it I couldn’t tolerate, which ones I could, which ones I wouldn’t enjoy too much because those are the ones I order so it’s easier for me not to finish them. I did end up sitting at the beach with a friend and having some food at a picnic table like a “normal” person. The event was ok, I didn’t have anxiety, and I managed to eat half my meal.
I have not attempted the “mechanical eating” like the counselor suggested. I do not feel supported enough to deal with weight gain, I think that if I move too fast on this on my own it could shut me down to help completely. I just know myself…
I have an appointment with the nurse who made the referal on Monday so I can speak to her in person about my next move now that this counselor is retiring. I am not in any hurry, I want to do this right.
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