Thanks Dana, yeah it was pretty intense how she was noting my triggers. One of my biggest triggers is the way clothes feel on my body, especially pants on my thighs. When she said “Do they make you feel unsafe?” I couldnt find my words. This part of my journey is going to be really, really hard. I hope I am ready for it, I just need to keep trusting I am. 
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Wow, Stella. Finding a good therapist is like winning in the lottery. She surely sounds like a suitable match for you to work with.
Back in 2016, when I had been seeing a counsellor for some time, it dawned on me that this is going to be a long haul. I said to my HP that “I’m gonna see this thru, WHATEVER it takes… and I’m scared.” That decision kept me going. I knew that the way I had lived before would probably lead me becoming suicidal again. When you’ve seen the end of your road and you dread it, the only option is to keep going into a new direction.
The fact that you’ve sought and are accepting help are signs that you’re ready.
Big hugs.
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Thank-you.
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I am happy your therapist is a good fit for you!
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Me too Flo, it makes or breaks treatment. So grateful.
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Day two of ED therapy today.
Unfortunately I wasn’t able to follow through with the two tasks I had agreed on between appointments and that’s ok! I have learned that I bit off more than I can chew (pun intended). Today’s session we talked alot about my struggles with grocery shopping. So one of my tasks from last appointment was to make breakfast jars… simple enough, for other people. For me it became a 45 minute ordeal trying to decide on the Granola. I talked myself in and out if it, down calories to rice crispies, back up to Granola but then I was completely fucked in a wicked cycle of back and forth picking up boxes reading them, getting anxiety about people watching me, leaving until the aisle was empty and trying again. It was exhausting and eventually I left the store with no Granola, just a couple packs of apple sauce for me and food for my kid.
We came up with some ideas that I will put some thought into this week. Grocery delivery, shopping buddy and shorter list. The shopping buddy might be ok, my kiddo is pretty strict with me.
I left today’s session feeling pretty anxious and very heard. She is great.
Side Note: My mom is starting a strict restriction cycle… too bad I can’t get a 2for1.
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I think I found a middle ground for “before yoga/exercise” nutrition.
The therapist also suggested electrolytes so I will check those out today at the drugstore…
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Day 3 of ED therapy happen yesterday, on day two of COVID. (Grateful for ZOOM appointments!) My HP is really jiggling everything into place where it needs to go for me. I had not followed through with an online grocery order, but had put a lot of thought into it until… I got COVID. Thank you HP for taking the choice away from me… well i guess they didnt really, it was just a good opportunity to try grocery pick up.
It worked very well for me. I found it much easier to complete a grocery shop not being overwhelmed by the people, the food and the noise of a grocery store. I was able to put my phone down when it became too much and just chill then revisit it when i felt better. I ended up doing a full grocery shop. But that’s not the best part… the best part is that I was inspired to make something from the foodie thread so I went back to my grocery list and added the ingredients I needed so I would have them at home. (thank you Jess @anon9289869 for sharing The Spruce Eats, you may have saved my life 
)
Picking the groceries up today was easy… i didn’t even sign for them 
So the first hurdle is over, I got the food in the house. Now for the second hurdle, preparing it, most times I end up throwing 85% of the fresh food i get away. Once I manage to cook it there is only as couple more hurdles to get over but I will deal with them when I get there. Baby steps, one baby step at a time.
Side note: I did actually make 2 chia/honey/almond milk fridge jars so that’s something too.
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Smiling big over here for you! That’s a wonderful step. When I’ve had really bad anxiety, online grocery shopping has saved me a lot of struggle. So glad that things lined up that way. Sending my best vibes for each next step to keep coming for you, amiga 
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Seeing this just brought so much joy to my day!
I’ve gotten very overwhelmed and behind reading around TS lately and completely missed your previous posts about ED therapy. I’m glad to be caught up on them now and to hear you have found a good therapist!
The grocery shopping anxiety is so real. I’ve gone through periods in the past where if I live in walking distance of a grocer I will walk there right away at open every day for a quick 10 minutes when it’s still dead and grab just a few items, working through a grocery list over the course of a week or two. Online grocery shopping really makes such a difference.
I’m so happy you checked out The Spruce Eats. It’s been a game changer for me. I’ve found so many simple nourishing recipes from them that help take the pressure off of cooking and make me feel good/better about food.
Those baby steps are how it’s done! 
I have faith in you. You have the self compassion and are building those tools that over time you’re going to overcome the hurdles. I’m over here rooting for you! And I hope you have a swift recovery from covid. 
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Wow!! What amazing progress!! Im super excited for you! Way to go my friend 
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My family doc said this week she likes Body Armour for electrolytes, I have never looked at it.
I like (edited to add the correct name) Trace Minerals, Electrolyte Stamina Power pack, in packets, get it from my health food store or Amazon.
A good homemade version from the doc is to use apple juice half watered down with water and add a shake of salt. She says it is as good as anything you can buy.
Remembering that both sugar and salt are both our friends ( for life itself), and not always our foe.
To be clear, I have very little to almost no (added) sugar.
I have not had “sugar” as in the bag, or the bowl in my home for 6.5 years, have not missed it at all, or wished I had it. Or honey.
I have access to each ( 6 yr old sugar in the freezer in an outdoor location) and have glucose tablets should I need or want ( I haven’t).
In hot weather I pay attention that I get some salt instead of none. My normal diet is mostly unprocessed and has almost no salt.
Hope you are soon feeling better from the covid.
I just looked at the Body Armour site and it looks way too fancy, complicated etc. Plus I hate that you have to “search” for the ingredients.
The Larabars are great bc of the simplicity of the ingredients. For me they do not give me enough umph if I really need it and I default to my stand by Clif oatmeal raisin which will and have always pulled me through in a crunch.
I keep them in my car so they are not in easy reach…
I am proud of you and happy for you. I like good, healthy, nutritious food. If I can pop it in the microwave and cook it in a tenth the time of the oven, I will do it.
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Day 4 ED Therapy…
Oooof, I have had a little back peddle but I am grateful to be at a place where I am being open and honest with the people in my support network. Honesty truly keeps me alive today. Secrets truly keep me sick…er, they keep me sicker. I am still sick when I am honest, lets be honest.
I have lost some weight which I could blame on having COVID but I wont because that would be a lie, I have been restricting. The wounded part of myself has made a solid plan on how my fall eating will look and the wise part of myself has ratted her out.
Diverting myself from this constant state of self obsession is exhausting but I am trying. Meditating, calling/helping other addicts in recovery, spending time on the forum, being creative and mindful as I do it are all ways I have been trying to stay out of my head.
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I appreciate you so much more than I am sure you realize. Thank you for being here.
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I can understand this completely and I respect your choice. I actually feel similarilty with self injury, and maybe if I ever get my ED in remission I will feel the same with it too.
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So proud of you for continually showing up for yourself (and for all of us here…I know being a mod brings its own pressures and can rattle our skeletons)…well done on keeping it real and doing what needs to be done. I appreciate you.
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Hmmm, just some morning thoughts.
I silently watch the foodies thread as I quite enjoy other people enjoying nice food. Sometimes I even see things that inspire me to try something out, or maybe not try it but at least ponder the idea. Its just so hard. I look at the food that other people are making and the ingredients that they must keep in their fridges/pantries all the time. I cant do that. I cant have food around me its so fucked up. If i have food around me I obsess over it so much I will throw it away or I will forget about it intentionally after obsessing and it rots. Even if I buy things with the intent of spacing out meals with them, I will eat way more then I planned the first day and then end up throwing the rest away because I have eaten “enough”. Its like I need to get rid of the threat. The obsession and compulsion with my eating disorder is soooooooooooooo strong.
It is crazy to me how much/often healthy people eat and the effort people put into their meals. It really puts my illness into perspective.
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I hear ya my friend.
I cannot imagine first hand that kind of a struggle.
However, and for what it’s worth. I wake up most days thinking about food and what’s for dinner. Where’s lunch. It drives me nuts. Most mornings walking the dogs with wifey it’s all about where’s lunch? what’s for dinner? We had that yesterday! Or we’re having this tomorrow so we don’t want to go there tonight! I consciously try really hard sometimes not to mention food on our walks. And it’s really hard for me to do that. And I’m always bringing up what’s for dinner while we are eating lunch. I swear Kelly wants to smack me when I do that. I don’t blame her. And I hate it when I do that.
I’ve been in the food industry all my life, but still; Thinking about food is an obsession for me.
The last few weeks making those sugar free bread puddings. I binged. 
Bought those keto friendly sugar free ice creams last week. I ate one of those after my huge serving of bread pudding. I didn’t need to do that. And I felt terrible after. I didn’t buy any sugar free dessert at the market yesterday and I’m not making any bread puddings this weekend. My punishment for being back at 200lbs. And that’s my goal weight.
I’m watching football right now and can’t stop thinking about where’s lunch? . Drives my crazy.
Thanks for letting me crash your thread.
Glad you posted.
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O.
M.
G.
Thank you.
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@Its_me_Stella
Posting over here on your thread seemed more appropriate than clogging up the foodie thread. But I just wanted to say I am proud of you making yourself that meal and posting about it. I’m also very grateful to you for doing so as I’ve been on some bad restrictive cycles lately and was just about to skip lunch, using a busy work day as an excuse. Instead I saw your post and went to throw some veggies in the oven to roast. I feel like I am sharing this meal with you and that brings me some peace in this moment. 
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