I’m sorry. 
I’m here if you need to talk, about anything. (Not always here-here, but Whatsapp, messenger etc)
1 Like
I am alright, nothing to worry about its just exhausting. I have been doing so well and need to remember that recovery is not linear by any means. My substance abuse recovery has taken me 17 years to get to where I am… My self injury recovery has taken me 7 years to get to where I am… having an expectation that my eating disorder would be any different is crazy.
The DBT has been very helpful when working with emotions that come up around eating and food related anxiety. I think I just maybe was feeling comfortable and have let some supports go too soon and now have not as many for when the weight gain is upon me. Of course I have tail spun into old behaviors and thought patterns. And of course they have come with vengeance because that’s what happens.
I see my Dr on Thursday so I will have a chat then. Thank you for your concern, life is a bumpy road.
7 Likes
Progress not prefection.
2 Likes
I have been doing quite well accepting the healthy weight that I have gained. So well that I am even appreciating how my body looks with the few extra pounds. I mistakenly weighed myself a few weeks ago and I haven’t even able to stop but so far it hasn’t triggered any restricting of healthy food. I am 30 days today of no sugar and that feels pretty good, I really just want to eat well. I want to feel at peace with the vessel my spirit lives in and most days I have that.
I can feel the energy that my food gives me, I can see the benefits if has on the strength of my nails and the sheen of my hair. I know that I would not be able to be doing yoga 3 times a week if wasn’t eating properly and I am loving yoga so that is a big motivator for me. My addict does keep trying to push thoughts of heading back to old rituals but I have been able to shed light on them and beat my addict back so far.
I feel like I am winning for once, today I am winning, and maybe I can win tomorrow too.
8 Likes
Congratulations on your 30 days sugar free Stella!
2 Likes
29.53… lol
I was rounding up.
1 Like
It’s funny I didn’t post about it here, I thought I had but it must have been in the check-in thread.
Slowly over the last month or so the intrusive thoughts have been getting more often and louder. I have noticed small changes back to old behaviors and rituals. I had posted ( not sure where it was) that I guessed it was time for me to reach out for some support. I never did that of course because my head voice has assured me " it’s not that bad… you can handle it." I laugh as I type this and I even laughed as I heard my addict say it to me because I know better today. Yet I still didn’t follow through with that phone call. I did, however, put it out into the universe. I have talked a lot about the thoughts that have been starting to come into my mind, the ways that I have been controlling my calorie intake, etc and of course, the universe heard me.
I started this thread last Aug and I suppose that is when I finally decided to accept a referral to the eating disorder clinic at the hospital. I have been on a waitlist since then… THEY CALLED TODAY!!! I just finished my 28 weeks of DBT last week I think and now I have my intake for this clinic in two weeks. I am really happy about the timing, and I am so grateful that these services are available to us.
I am looking forward to moving on to the next part of this healing process, and what a process it’s been.
10 Likes
Wonderful, amiga! I hope they have lots to offer you. I’m grateful you shared here - it’s nice to read some good news today.
1 Like
Atta girl my friend. 
Ya, it was on the check in thread.
I swear Gods timing works best.
I hope our God continues to put the right people in the right place at the right time for you.
I’m delighted for you.
1 Like
I’m so excited for you!!! This is wonderful news!! Ur self awareness blows me away every time! Ur such a true inspiration to me 
1 Like
Happy for you. I hope it helps you, you deserve to be free of this obsession.
1 Like
Wonderful news, dear Stella! The next leg of the journey begins! I’m happy for you!
1 Like
I really respect how you take care of yourself Stella. 
2 Likes
Thanks for the support everyone.
1 Like
I never felt so understood. And my eating disorder stays with me for 40 years now. Thank you so much
1 Like
You are definitely not alone my friend. I am having a hard time feeling understood among my peers, not here, but in person. I have been shown once again that having expectations are brutal, and that I can not even expect an addict to understand the cycles of an addictive mind.
I am glad you are here. 
3 Likes
Well… I did it.
Day 1 of ED therapy in the bag.
My therapist is so sweet, she made me feel very comfortable after I was honest with her about the extreme level of anxiety I had. I think that on top of all of the reservations I have around letting go of control, just thinking about how we were going to approach this HUGE, HUGE topic was stressing me out. She came up with a treatment plan that is very structured that we can follow for however long I like, this way I know what to expect each week. Amazing.
I have already walked away with a new outlook. Before today I was feeling defeated by my eating disorder thinking that it was my addict trying to kill me in some other way. The way that the therapist framed it was like this though, “You have stopped everything that is “bad” for you, drugs, booze, injuring and food. The wounded part of you is trying to keep you safe.” Just that slight change in perspective makes me feel so much better because working with a part of myself that is trying to keep me safe seems easier than fighting with a part of myself that is trying to kill me.
One day at a time, I will keep going back.
15 Likes
Wow! What an amazing therapist! I’m really happy for u girl! I like the way she worded that part about ur wounded self trying to protect u. I feel like for alot of us, we have been so wounded in one way or another for sooo long that our natural instinct is to protect ourself. Uv come so far! I’m excited for u and this part of ur journey!
2 Likes