About six weeks ago my step daughter called from Ireland to announce that she and her fiancé had set a date for their wedding. They are having two events, the first of which is in Edinburgh this Saturday, and she asked me to mark the date. She asked her sister, my daughter, to be her bridesmaid, and was keen for her brother, my son, to wear a kilt.
Fast forward a couple of weeks and they were in Edinburgh for a friends wedding, and said they’d pop up for a visit and to discuss some details. That happened to be my daughter’s 14th birthday, although big sister didn’t bring her a gift. Her fiancé took the initiative to pull out a 50euro note from his wallet and gave it to my daughter.
The discussion turned to the wedding, and it soon dawned on me that I was not in fact invited! I had already bought an outfit for myself. I understand that this first ceremony is to be very small and that her mother will be there. She and I don’t get along at all, so I appreciate that my step daughter would rather we weren’t in the same room at the same time. Of course I’m a bit let down.
To add insult to injury, I had a final conversation earlier this week where she’d really like to see me on the day, so if I could come to the restaurant after the meal for a drink and then go away again, that would be great. She has said that the kids can go with me or choose to stay a bit longer if they like. (The restaurant is walking distance from where we live and the kids are 14 and almost 17)
I’m not looking for advice as such, although if anyone has any words of wisdom or insights I’d love to hear them.
Thankfully this will not lead me to drink again, I’m going to make certain of that!
Hi Delia!
Ugh, weddings are the worst for drama. Particularly for blended families. When my daughter was married, I attended with my kids (her half-siblings), and my wife (not her mother) chose to stay home.
I did have the opportunity there to thank her step-father for helping to raise and shelter her. We did not attend the ceremony, just the reception for an hour or two. It was a long way to go (maybe 600 miles) for an afternoon, but it was important to her to have her step-siblings there.
That’s my experience. In the US, the wedding industry is terrific at overinflating the bride’s ego (pride, really) and other folks also, to the point that the wedding overshadows the marriage. Hysterics and outrageous demands are part of the package.
The wedding is just a marker that a marriage is beginning. And lots of times (as in my second time around), acting like a married couple, including buying a house, begins well before the wedding. You can choose to bless their marriage anyway you want. And you can reinforce for your children how blended families work, and sometimes everyone getting along, even for a day, is not a possibility. You can be loving and caring and physically distant all at the same time. You can be a good mom and a good stepmom even when those roles require the physical impossibility of being there and not being there simultaneously.
Of course, you do not have to drink over this. And you also have some choice about how you react to your feelings about it, I’m happy to see you exercising that choice.
Blessings on your house - and the thing about blessings is that they can just as easily cross the Irish Sea!
Ugh. Families. When I was younger, me and my sister were told to not visit my dad and step mum for a few weeks as they were in Wales with my step mums sisters. Turns out they all went to Spain and just didn’t want us to come. They had tans, which were hard to hide and eventually my step sisters and half sister blurted it out. It hurt so much to be lied to.
If you value your step daughter, and do indeed want to see her on her big day, I would say hold grace here and aquiesce with her requests. I think she’s asking for your support and presence, but it’s probably tied up in stress plus obligations, and she’s not able to upset her mum. You can’t please everyone all the time and unfortunately that’s where people draw their lines in the sand.
I’m so sorry it is that way and not a little more adult, even if you don’t get on…I’m certain you could all get along for one night. It’s not a reflection on you, you can come out of this as supporting, loving, understanding and peaceful. I completely sympathise that it’s also incredibly hurtful. In a way though she’s signposting what SHE needs and wants from you. It’s up to YOU to either break bread and settle, or draw boundaries and not agree to step in line.
The hurtful truth is better than being lied to. Also you don’t have to hold your tongue, you can intimate to your kids and step daughter that you got a bit hurt in the whole handling, but understand completely.
Be strong. You will get time to look gorgeous in your outfit.
I can understand your hurt, you are human. I think you have two amazing responses here and there is nothing more I could add. Wishing love and healing and happiness to you and your entire extended family.
The morning was spent getting the kids ready and supporting them. My daughter was getting particularly snappy and then emotional before she headed off. Once I was alone I relaxed a bit and then slowly got ready. The outfit I had been going to wear wasn’t quite working, but as I wasn’t an actual wedding guest I took the opportunity to wear an outfit that broke some of the wedding rules, but that I felt was much more my style. (I identify as non binary and often feel like I’m “dressing up as a woman “ when I wear feminine styles)
At about 6pm I got the message from my son to come along. This was a bit later than I had expected, but I had a cat on my lap for much of the time so it was fine. I got there just as my step daughter’s mum was leaving, and she greeted me and praised me for how the kids were turning out, which was lovely to hear.
In the end I stayed until 10pm, which was way longer than I had imagined. The bride apologised for not feeling able to invite me to the ceremony, and said several times that she was delighted I came along.
My son had had quite a bit to drink, and he’s really not used to it. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him drunk. We got ice creams on the way home, I got double espresso flavoured ice cream.
Overnight my son woke me to tell me he’d been sick and had blocked the sink. I told him to use a skewer to unblock it and went back to sleep. I had a lovely long lie in.
All in all it went well, and I think that the second leg of the wedding which will be in Ireland in the summer should be a lot of fun.
Thanks again for everyone’s support an good wishes. I truly love this community!
on your house - and the thing about blessings is that they can just as easily cross the Irish Sea!
