I’m afraid of what I wake up to tomorrow. I feel like things are finally in control but something in my environment changed and I feel like I’ve lost control. It’s an emotional crutch that I have to overcome. On my own, in my own controlled environment, I do well. I feel good, I’m on top of the world. But throw a wrench in that and I struggle. Throw an enabler who buys me drinks knowing my struggles but buys them w out asking, afraid of the backlash if I don’t get them. Because the past backlashes have been REALLY bad. Drunk driving, falling into oncoming traffic, black eyes, nights of no recollection. It’s terrifying that those of us who have lived like this have lived this far w out incident, knowing it’s lurking around every corner, if we have. I can’t believe I haven’t killed someone or gotten arrested. I’m lucky I could afford outpatient rehab. But I struggle w out a support group. I don’t like AA so I’ve been turned off to any other support groups but I need someone or something to help. Cause I have more relapses than I care to admit. Advice?
Hi and welcome,
Just a quick replay because I 'm into a hurry right now 
But what about online meetings? Ever considered that?
Resources for our recovery Look at this interesting thread. You will find online meetings in it as well for books, podcasts etc. Check it out!
Have to go now, sorry
See you later!! 
Hi and welcome to this community Amanda. So good you found your way here.
I can relate to your struggles. The first weeks and months of sobriety are rough, especially if your environment isn’t a safe space to be in and your resolve is constantly being tested. I don’t know where you are at with your sobriety, but is there a way you can step away from environments that involve drinking for the time being?
I know I needed to stay away from enablers, parties, dinners, concerts, party friends, dancehalls and that one isle in the supermarket isle for quite some time. Checking in with the lovely people here, whenever my sobriety was tested and my resolve got shaky, really helped me to get over the initial few months. Maybe read around and join in whenever you feel comfortable.
Looking forward to seeing you around.
100% agree with this - especially that damn aisle!
@Bernablah24 Breaking my routine and starting a new one really helped me. I’ve had more relapses than I’d like to admit because I was doing the same things over and over again, just in slightly different enough ways that I’d convinced myself I’d changed.
I drank when I felt sad, I drank when I felt angry, I drank when I felt happy and I drank when I was bored… you get the picture.
So, when I feel motivated/happy, I now clean my house.
When I feel sad, I call someone for support or write my feelings down. If that doesn’t work, I have a good cry and go to bed!
When I feel angry, I like to stomp to the shops to buy orange juice and lemonade, then listen to heavy metal or workout - gives me that hit I need without alcohol.
Feeling bored? Draw, go for a walk, play video games, whatever hobbies you enjoy, or used to.
I had to tell all my friends that I was no longer drinking, which seemed really overwhelming at first, but the people who truly loved me supported me 100%. Those who didn’t? Gone, nada, no time or space for it.
I’ve given my ID to loved ones to keep safe so I can’t be served (If you’re lucky enough to be ID’d!) and I generally find this site, especially the check-in thread, to be really honest, motivating and sincere. We all get it here, there’s no judgement.
Checking in daily to maintain focus #64
I’ve linked the check-in thread above. Feel free to check it out.
Ultimately, and the hardest and probably most brutal part, is that you have to want to change. And you can, but not by yourself, and not by keeping your current routine.
I can honestly say that, despite all of my relapses and the liver damage, life is so much more enjoyable sober. More than that brief high you get when you drink, or the numbness you feel to dull the pain, or the easy way to cure anxiety. To feel and to live and to have a life worth living, that’s what keeps me going.
Be kind to yourself and stay safe. You are worthy of help and support.
Indi…this is absolutely brilliant! Love this post 
Thank you friend. It’s taken me a long time, but I did indeed “get my shit together” and come back 
I hope you’re well lovely x
Welcome aboard! You have a great supportive community here at TS. Visit various threads for advice and tips and read other stories for inspiration. Check in to be accountable. Reach out here when you’re struggling. This community has made all the difference for me. 
Im good thank you Indi! Proud of you!!xx