That suck Simon. I’m sorry to hear it. It’s so discouraging.
You are not alone in being in a place like that. There are many people here who have been through exactly the same type of situation (and worse).
The only way out is finding a way to live sober. That includes riding the emotions of life, sober (which is what’s been up and down for you over the last few months). As a recovering addict your instinct is to run. We all trained ourselves to avoid unpleasant emotions or difficult, uncertain things, and we ran to alcohol or other drugs or behaviours to numb ourselves, to escape.
You need to learn to live sober, in mind, feelings, and body. You need to go to school.
Have you been to a meeting or a program yet? AA is good (go online and search “AA meetings near me”), and there are other options too:
It’s heartbreaking to lose people who matter to you so much.