I’ve been sober 538 days and alcohol still talks to me. I’ve wanted a drink so badly for the last month it has blown my mind. My mother died last December and I’ve been super sad. Just a few nights ago, I wanted to drink so much that my chest hurt. for those who have been in recovery longer than me, does it ever go away, that desire when you are experiencing deep emotions?
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For me, it has. How did you get so far in your sobriety? Did you use a recovery program?
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I basically white knuckled it and I see a therapist once per week. I am very introverted so I’ve not felt comfortable going to a meeting. I have the AA books which I’ve read allot. I’ve learned why I drank- numb deep pain.
Wow!!! 538 days is an amazing accomplishment. Well done 
My thought is that you MUST protect that sacred number and your sobriety. Similar to the previous poster…I am wondering how you managed life’s ups and downs previous to your mother’s passing (very sorry about that btw) and what strengths can you draw on from that?
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I guess the skills of survival and determination. Also desperation. I didn’t want to drink myself into a stupor everyday. Therapy was/is a must to understand how and why I got where I was. But for some reason, I am always on the verge of drinking something. I don’t but think about it
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It has for me. I’ve experienced a few deaths of close family members during my 837 days of sobriety. Working my AA program has helped me through the grieving process. There are times I go to a meeting and don’t share but leave feeling amazing because of someone else’s share. It’s like the other person was put there to help me without them knowing what I’m going through.
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There are shit loads of introverts that attend AA or other recovery programs. You can attend meetings virtually with a camera and mic off. You can also work a program with a sponsor 1:1. Sorry you are going through a rough time. I would hate to be white knuckling my way through. Thankfully I don’t have to because I have a program and sober community in place to support me.
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Thanks for your help
Thank you for your support
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I am sorry for your loss, the holidays are never an easy time after close family passes. I am celebrating 36months clean on 3/3, we are actually alot alike, I don’t go to meetings, I don’t have a sponsor, and I very rarely find myself in a church. How did I manage to white knuckle is this long??? M.A.T (Medically Assisted Treatment) SUBOXONE #SAVED my life. Do I wake up everyday on cloud9? Hell no! Does the idea pop in my head every once & a while to go out and cop YES IT DOES! Anyone that says they don’t ever think about it is lying. The difference today compared to 3 years ago is that I don’t act on impulse, in active addiction once I had the thought of using I didn’t stop until the Goal was met. If some days are harder than others its never going to hurt you to pop into a meeting. Sit down, raise your hand, get it off your chest, and 2 things will prob happen. 1 your going to feel relieved, 2. Someone will comment or come up to you after and pull it off your chest. Hope this helps you. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP & STAY STRONG💪
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It has for me.
I learned myself some other coping meganisms.
In the beginning of my recovery it was hard to use that new way of going trough my emotions. I did because the other option was a no go
Now I’ve used that new road more often the thought of the old road (drinking) is seldom. And if I think of drinking it’s so much easier to bend it over to the new road.
My to go to now is eating chocolat ore going for a long walk in nature.
Walking is a big part of my recovery, nature is healing for me 
And don’t forget: mourning takes a long time, give it the time it needs. Share your memories about her, maybe write her a letter? My mom passed away from cancer 16 years ago, I know it’s hard to deal with such a big loss 
Take care! 
And
Keep going! 
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Congratulations on your 538 days!!
I am very sorry for the loss of your Mum. Grief is such a personal and deep emotion. It can definitely get stuck with us if we turn from it or try to avoid it. It is a lot to bear feeling so intensely.
While it may feel like our emotion is crushing us, it just wants to flow in and out of us and it will and can thru our tears, thru journaling, thru physical activity, and thru stillness and breathing if we can sit with it. Easier said than done tho sometimes. 
To your question, yes, my desire to drink has gone away and when I am feeling intense emotions it no longer haunts me. I no longer want to drink at any emotion. It can take time and working recovery to get to that place of peace within. Everyone’s journey is different. I think the key and what we all do share is that we work on our recovery (not just sobriety or abstinence from alcohol), we work our tools of recovery…meetings for some (zoom or live), readings, movement therapy, meditation, yoga, talk therapy, etc etc. Digging into why we hid behind substances and how we can care for ourselves without them and live full lives.
I am glad you came on and posted and hopeful you will find some opportunities here to help with your own journey.
Do you attend any grief therapy groups or one on one? Or read any books on grief? In my darker days, I found solace in both.
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Sorry for your loss lost my 3 brothers in the last few years never thought a drink would help my grieving ? but i have a program i use in my recovery and by going to meetings and getting a sponsor and working the steps has made my life 100 percent better for the last 35+ years . a good network round you is important when things start to get you down wish you well
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Congrats on 538! That’s huge. For me, I couldn’t have don’t it without an AA sponsor and home group. I too read the book, but until I got involved with the program, I was just a dry drunk looking for a reason to drink again.
I know AA isn’t t for everyone and that’s ok, do what works for you, but I had a lot of other problems that I needed to work through and AA helped me with that.
Keep going.
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Hi,
So sorry to hear you are struggling. It is hard but it does get easier. I can’t say you will never stop thinking about drinking but for me the thinking about it is different now. I may think about it but then my mind goes directly to playing the entire tape and remembering how alcohol brought nothing but sickness and really bad things to my life.
Try to get outside every day and take a walk, thinking how awesome it is to see things clearly and remember things! It is so awesome to be present!!
You can do this!
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How are your doing @franksmom0?
Dealing with grief is very challenging in sobriety. For me, the sadness comes and goes like waves. Having a good cry helps, something I never did in active addiction because I was too busy burying my emotions with substances.
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I am ok. not great but thanks for checking with me. This community is so supportive.
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Have you tried an online meeting?. There may be some shares that you may find similarities with and hopefully help you through. Sending 
hugs to you .
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Glad to hear you’re ok. 
Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need extra support.
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You need to deal with this " white knuckling " you need like a recalibration so that you don’t see alcohol as something that you’re missing out on, or that you “need” (you don’t need it, it’s the last thing you need).
Perhaps this recalibration can come from reading and education, get some books on sobriety, watch some you tube, find ways to get inspired.
Also seek out alternatives to ease this white knuckling feeling, you need an armoury of alternatives… Running, lifting weights, loud music, … Find things that work for you, and use them.
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