Hey y’all I need some support …
I am 2yrs and 2 months clean and sober from alcohol and hard drugs but awhile back I started drinking kava occasionally and I also started using kratom almost daily. The problem is I am using them alcoholically because I’m a fucking alcoholic/addict and I can’t do moderation. I am on a binge right now where I have drank enough kava and kratom to make me sick and throw up multiple times but I keep drinking more kratom because I can’t stop. I don’t want to be with myself or in reality and I sickly kind of enjoy being sick because then I can focus on that and don’t have to feel the anxiety and dread of myself. I know this is a problem and I need to stop. My sobriety means everything to me and even though I would consider this behavior harm reduction compared to what I used to do it still is messing up my mental health and life and I don’t want to be this person. I have been going through this cycle for awhile now where I quit for a little while and get my shit back together (meaning feeling good and taking positive action consistently) but then I turn to it when I am feeling emotionally dysregulated or just want to do it and fall into this few days of sickness…
Has anyone else struggled with these issues in sobriety?
I don’t really know what I want or need from sharing this but I just know I needed to share with somebody. Thank you.
Well…I basically went into a psychosis and ended up homeless in another state so I wasnt even able to use anymore because it only destroyed me but in terms of getting my life back together and staying sober I did everything there is to do. Meetings, sponsor, steps, yoga, sober living , therapy, etc…
I know if I did it before I can do it again but it’s easier said than done…Ive been out of the lifestyle for awhile hence why I’m probably doing what I’m doing. I know what the solution is I just don’t know where to start I guess or maybe a part of me isn’t willing…
You sound really frustrated and upset with yourself and that is understandable. I haven’t used either of those, but I have used plenty of other drugs, alcohol, pills, food, cigaretts, nicotine, shopping, sugar, etc. I have always had a penchant for getting messed up and escaping reality and my feelings. Sounds like the same thing you are doing.
I know it is uncomfortable when we keep turning to external solutions for an internal issue. I feel you there. It is good you realize what you are up to and are looking to get on a healthier track.
Have you done any therapy to get to the why of your substance abuse and need to escape? Or are you in a program? I found journaling really helpful when I was working thru actually feeling my feelings and learning how to be okay with not always feeling okay. Therapy was also helpful off and on. I found a lot of insight in books on anxiety and recovery as well. I am sure others will have some good concrete suggestions too.
I think starting here is a good place. Perhaps checking in more often. Maybe look more at what you are escaping from and how you can self soothe yourself in healthier ways (yoga, meetings, meditation, walks, journal, etc).
You have gone thru so much already. You are strong and capable. 
Thank you so much, your response means a lot to hear. I am very upset with myself. I know exactly what I am doing and am very self aware which makes me more upset with myself because I am consciously choosing to turn to these external things to change how I feel within. I have done so much self work and continue to do so constantly. I have had multiple people tell me that they’ve never met someone who works so much on themselves and I know that’s probably a problem too because I am so consumed with healing and improving that I can be self absorbed and obsessive. I have done it all though, books, long periods of consistent practices (yoga meditation etc…), meetings and step work on the regular, fellowship, therapy… What I do now mostly is write a lot , walk/jog, speak to my sponsor, read and meditate. I recently have been in a new relationship that I feel is a big part of why I am regressing because I am triggered all the fucking time and it’s really painful. So much trauma and emotional wounds are coming up and I do my best to self soothe and take care of myself which I can maintain for awhile but then some days I get so triggered I feel powerless to turning to these substances for help. I feel like I don’t even have a choice when it happens. It’s so hard to constantly be self soothing and trying to come back from all these pain body triggers that are so intense and overpowering. I am so tired of it and it’s not like the relationship is negative he just isn’t affectionate and doesn’t give me the attention or validation I wish for which leaves me feeling neglected and triggered a lot which is my own problem and I know it brings up a lot of childhood shit. It’s a lot to deal with and I know I should be getting more support and help via meetings and fellowship but I’m not consistently doing that and I don’t even really know why. I feel so confused so often.
Thank you for the suggestions and for letting me vent , I really appreciate it.
Are you in therapy now? Having someone to talk to might help ease your mind some.
No I’m not.
Is therapy something you think might help you move past these substances? Or maybe meetings if you enjoy those?
I am suffering from the same issues. I quit alcohol in 2013. I quit opiates in 2014. Soon after i tried kratom. I liked it alot. I discovers that after awhile i no longer felt the buzz but if i didn’t take it i would have mild withdraws. They aren’t bad but still uncomfortable i would try to quit but kept going back to it. I did alot of praying and meditating about it i have a very good connection to my higher power. My hp told me it would be better if i quit kratom but i could still work my program and grow spiritually. My hp doesn’t approve of my kratom use but it wasn’t crucial that i quit. I’m not suffering any life problems, my life was still manageable, it wasn’t a big problem so i still take kratom to this day.
The kava on the other hand really messed me up. During the lock downs i discovered kava. There’s a kava bar in my town. It seemed innocent enough. In fact a lot of people hanging out in the kava bar are in recovery. (At least i thought they were).
My higher power came up me in a dream and told me that kava is really bad. I was told if i didn’t quit i would lose everything. Well guess what, i couldn’t quite. Over the past few years i spent almost all my money on kava. 30 to 60 dollars a day spent on kava. At times i would vow to stay out of the kava bar but instead i would end up sitting in my car in front of whole foods supermarket drinking kava tinctures. Those have alcohol in them. I was drinking kava like i used to drink alcohol.
I couldn’t stop. Every day i would wake up saying i would quit that day but by 3 pm i would either be sipping tinctures or going to kava bar. My life became unmanageable, i wasn’t saving any money, my bills were just barely being paid. I was on a long slow downhill spiral. I kept attempting to quit but didn’t think i needed to announce my self as a newcomer or change my sobriety date. I just kept relapsing. Getting depressed and scared about my future. I kept praying about it. Eventually i started getting in trouble. I live in a sober living house and they gave me an option. Quit kava or move out. I didn’t quit, i just kept it super secret.
My higher power kept warning me but i wouldn’t listen. Finally after months of hating myself and isolating i had a spiritual experience. My higher power came to me in a dream and told me i would keep losing things unless i just admitted it was a relapse and move on. I was also told if i didn’t quit i would die a very slow, painful, and lonely death. Kava is really hard on the liver. That dream really scared me. I don’t want to leave the planet that way. I finally decided to realize it’s a relapse and raised my hand as a newcomer. It’s only been a week since i quit but i lost my desire and cravings. Started going back to meetings and started doing my steps again. I’ve already done them 3 or 4 times but this time I’m powerless over kava. I make sure i talk about my kava addiction in the rooms. I’m really hoping by being open about it then i might be able to keep other people from making the same mistake.
Feel free to message me if you want to talk about it. I’m very confident i finally got my kava bottom. I’m just the last week I’ve been getting very positive messages from my higher power. I just have to remember that i can’t ever drink kava again. Just like booze, if i drink one I’ll drink many more afterwards. It’s not worth it.
Thank you for your reply!
I haven’t been on this app in a long time but I want to change that. I relate so much to your share and appreciate you taking the time to comment. I hope you’re still going strong and doing well.