Hey all. Sorry for this. I know it’s dark and not positive. I don’t know where else to go. My depression and anxiety are EXTREMELY high today, yesterday, just recently. I had a full blown panic attack last night and my mind has been SCREAMING horrible shit at me. I’m crying at the slightest things and could scream and punch a walk and I’m just not feeling rational or ok.
I’m a few days off meds because the doctor fucked up but nobody at the hospital will help me. They don’t give a shit.
To be honest I’m REALLY fighting for the strength not to hurt myself. I’m sorry to say that. Please don’t judge me for it, it’s such a battle against my mind. Just to even exist feels like an actual battle of war every single day. I’m only 24 and I feel like I am 200 with how hard I’ve had to fight to stay alive already. All against myself.
I even wrote a note “it could all be over today” and it’s just been sitting on my table and I’m thinking 24/7 how much easier it would be
I have no social skills, I can’t ever connect with anyone. I had an abusive upbringing and between the two I’ve never had a close relationship with anyone whatsoever. The loneliness kills, it really does. But if I ever complain them I’m a loser.
I’m struggling, really really REALLY hard. I feel like I could finally lose the battle. Please anyone, I don’t know if I have the strength I need. I feel so bad. Can’t stop crying.
Lonliness is a bitch! Its one of my triggers that led me to drinking but now i have the AA fellowship and fellowship here to make me not feel so lonely. Is therapy an option for you? There are usually places in big cities with a sliding payscale based on income
Don’t do it! My brother killed himself and it caused our family a lot of pain. I am having awful anxiety but I don’t have to hurt myself over it. You are loved and you have people who care about you.
Are you able to get treatment. You are absolutely not alone with anxiety and depression. There is help available. I’ve been to rehab twice. No shame in that at all. I’m grateful.
I am really sorry for your loss. It’s really hard because I know people we’ve lost by suicide and i know it’s horrible.
But then I just am still left feeling SO much, so terrible and so persistent I don’t know how to get rid of it. Besides drugs, alcohol, nothing really numbs it in the moment. I’m just left feeling WAY too much. Sitting there by myself crying, screaming whatever just not even being able to function from it. It’s desparation feeling like I can’t take another second of how much I’m feeling and it’s unbearable
I just started seeing my therapist again. I couldn’t for a while for insurance reasons. I’m nervous to tell them certain things and it’s really hard to open up and trust therapy. I want to try to see her more often though.
And the loneliness is killing me. That’s really the worst thing for me. I’ve never had any supportive relationships, even family, and it’s made me feel like I’m not even worthy of it. That there must be a lot wrong with me for me to not be able to connect with people.
Hi @DB_5197 -
My heart goes out to you. You are worthy of living a good life. Continue to see your therapist and be honest. They may be able to help. Call the suicide hotline 988 for help, please understand that this community is here for you. Get help and continue to read and respond on this forum. Again, YOU ARE WORTHY. May God give you clarity and peace. I’m really sorry for your struggles.
@DB_5197 I feel for you. No matter what your beliefs are in this world, know this… you are loved and there will be peace in your life. Ask God to show Himself to you. Be calm… close your eyes… and just breathe… Focus on simple…
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. You are not a loser, you are a human who feels and is in pain. Feelings can feel so overwhelming, and that can be scary.
Please know you are worthy of a healthy healing life.
Finding a trained therapist to talk with may be helpful for you. Also, just having someone to share with can help release some of the pressure of our emotions.
You can call text or chat with trained listeners at 988 in the US.
I am praying for you right now. Knowing there is a higher power within the chaos of your humanity. Something above the destruction. A higher power that can wipe your pain clean. I know it is there in the midst of you. Listen for it. And if you cannot I will be listening for you. The direction and answer is there and will appear. Peace be still….and know this soul is free…
Thank you. I don’t feel worthy of love, or life even. So I really appreciate you saying so. My self esteem is nonexistent and I hate myself. On top of it I feel entirely alone and it’s extremely hard. The loneliness is the worst part of it all and it feels like it’s never ending. I don’t have the social skills to connect with people so I basically go through everything alone
