I have a little over a month sober after a 10 year addiction to opiates. I’m struggling more and more every day to want to stay sober. I’m depressed, irritated, have zero energy, no motivation to do anything. I feel like I’m starting over with withdrawals again even though I haven’t relapsed. I’m married and have kids and want nothing to do with them lately and I feel like a shit person for even feeling this way. I just want to escape it all at this point. Please tell me it gets better because I can’t deal with feeling this way much longer.
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Welcome Vee !
Early sobriety can be rough. Just stick to it, things dó get better 
Stay focussed on your initial motivation.
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After the first few weeks you start facing the emotions you’ve been burying in your addiction. In our addictions, we numbed and silenced our emotions. When we learn to live healthy and present (meaning, sober), we learn to “ride the waves” of our emotions, and accept them as part of life, and respond to them.
First step is to learn to identify them. There’s a good list here, of feelings; take time each day, even multiple times a day if you want to, and journal about how you feel, what feelings you have:
https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory
Feelings are signals for needs. (Our emotions tell us we need things.) Four really important needs for people living sober are related to HALT: Hungry (I need food), Angry (I need people to listen to me and hear my point of view), Lonely (so I need human connection), Tired (so I need rest, sleep). As addicts, we ignore these and it causes relapses and addiction behaviour.
Are you feeling lonely now? Keep reaching out. Hit up a meeting:
Are you angry about something? Talk about it. What’s up?
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I’m in therapy. I see him 2 times a week right now.
Thank you. I get lonely often because my husband works out of town for 5 weeks at a time. I feel like I bare the weight of our family, finances etc, even when he’s home. And that exhaust me even more. I often get angry when I try to talk to him about how I’m feeling. He doesn’t understand addiction. He’s never dealt with it personally on any level before me. So he doesn’t know what to say or do most of the time and I get that. Sometimes I just need him to listen and show compassion. But he doesn’t get that a lot of the time. I knew this would be hard but didn’t realize just how hard it would be after detoxing was over. I’m not sure what I was expecting but it definitely wasn’t this.
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Yes to that. 100% so. Because we can’t know what is coming when we’re still in active addiction. Recovery is hard work. And that’s also why we need each other. We need to help each other. Because others, like your husband, just don’t get it. However empathetic or not empathetic they might be in other areas they don’t get what it’s like to be an addict and fight for recovery from addiction.
So I’m glad you’re here because here we do get it. I’m also glad you’re in therapy. Communication, on many levels, is key. As addicts we hid in our addictions and only communicated with our DOC’s. Not with people. Now we’re sober we need to learn to live for real. Living for real means dealing with the world. Dealing with the world means communicating. You’re doing it. Yes it’s hard.
We got addicted because we couldn’t deal with it all. That ended up being a dead end street. Now we have to really learn to live. Bloody hard, no denying it. But it is worth it Vee! Keep fighting. Keep going. 10 steps forward, 9 back sometimes. We can do this. Together. Hugs.
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You’re in one of the lows of the rollercoaster of recovery!! We have major ups and downs especially in early recovery but the longer we stay clean the highs and lows level out and life gets to be enjoyable again!! Trust that and hold on for the ride! Don’t give up before the miracle happens!!! Also what has helped me is remembering the love you have for your children and never forget how bad the last day you were using was. We quit for a reason and it is much easier to stay stopped then to detox and stop. Hang in there mama you got this!!!
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Thank you, talking here is definitely helping. I’m going to keep pushing because I don’t want to go back to using.
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My kids definitely motivate me to stay sober. My oldest just graduated high school and she reminds me every day that I made it another day and reminds me that I was sober when she walked the stage. (That was a big goal of mine) Just gotta make it through these bad days and put them all behind me!
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That’s pretty beautiful right there ^. Sometimes I feel like when I have goal (usually a race) I’m
trying really hard and I’m really focused on that goal but then that day comes and goes and I feel the success but then, after, my motivation to remain diligent is a little less then it was. I believe Michael Phelps also talks about this phenomenon regarding Olympians and the depression afterward.
It also sounds like you’re very family-focused which is a great source of strength, but as a dad I’ve found it doesn’t lead to a “me first” approach. Being a parent is the most selfless job people do!! I have learned that at times
I need to be selfish
I need to put myself first
I need to have some me time
I need to have goals that I enjoy doing and give me satisfaction
Do you have hobbies? Sober friends where you can go do whatever with? Other goals?
If not I would try to carve out some time for you. I would also consider making a dream board. Write down and explore things you maybe have always wanted in your life or things you always wanted to do for you, but always put on the back burner so that you could be there for everyone else.
If it counts for anything this stranger thinks you’re a hero and rockstar and I’m incredibly proud of your recovery!!!
Take care
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Men in particular need to learn the communication style you’re talking about here. He needs to learn to listen and validate, non-judgmentally. It’s not about solving a problem; it’s about listening; it’s about him hearing you.
Most men are not taught this when they are young and they don’t learn it unless / until they realize they need it for their marriage to work. That was certainly the case for me. My wife and I learned to do this from our marriage counsellor. (We’ve been doing marriage counselling off and on for a little over 3 years. We do it as kind of a “tune up” on our marriage; it keeps it running smoothly 
)
Here’s a simple exercise that only takes a few minutes and you can do it in person or over the phone:
Every evening, schedule 15 minutes for a check-in with each other. Set a timer: each person gets 7.5 mins. When the timer starts, you tell about what happened and what that made you feel that day: “____ happened today, and I felt ____” (use the feelings words in the link I gave you above; that will help you give some detail). It doesn’t have to be fancy. It can be “I got a lot of things done around the house and I felt satisfied”, or “the kids helped clean the kitchen and I was grateful”. It can be heavier, like “I saw the garbage wasn’t taken out after I asked for help, and I felt angry”; “we haven’t spoken in ____ days, and I feel lonely”; etc.
The rules are simple: the listener echoes back to the speaker, confirming what they heard, and that’s all - no reaction, no defensive responses, no explanations, no judgment. Just listening.
For example:
“I saw the garbage wasn’t taken out after I asked for help, and I felt angry.”
Listener: “it sounds like you felt angry after you saw the garbage wasn’t taken out - is that right?”
Speaker “yes”
Listener: “I understand. Is there more you want to share?”
(Just keep sharing until the timer is up.)
Remember to talk about things that aren’t judgments, just things that are measurable. For example “I saw the garbage wasn’t taken out and I felt angry” is measurable; “you disrespected me and I was angry” is a judgment.
Note that you or your husband may need help identifying emotions. Practice labelling them: “I feel ____”. Eventually it will become second nature.
Do this exercise daily for a couple weeks and you will see a change; it will feel much better.
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You’re doing great. It’s that shit coming out of your body. I’ve kicked opiates and it’s a long hard road but it does get better. I saw a Dr. for the depression and she helped me. Stay hydrated and exercise or stay active to help your bodies natural endorphins. You’re doing it. A support group is a great help. Are you sleeping? That was the worst issue for me. Keep going!! We are glad you are here!
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I can totally relate to this part. When my children were younger, their dad would be gone for work for MONTHS at a time. He had no idea what I was dealing with at home, and didn’t seem to care. I resented him for that…and although I was sober for a very long time (22 years), that resentment led me back out. Thank God I made it back from my relapse…so many of us don’t. So every day I have is a gift in my book. There are so many bad days that come in early sobriety. But I promise you that the good ones will eventually outweigh the bad ones.
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What a powerful reminder that no matter how much time you have those resentments can take you back out. I’m so glad you made it back home with us 
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Thank you, and thank God. If it weren’t for my HP, I’d be dead. God continues to do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. 
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Hell ya!!! That’s so amazing….it’s hard to be in recovery and it’s even harder being a PARENT in recovery. It’s just another layer to our issues. But it’s one day at a time, we just keep stacking days and life seems to workout as long as I stay clean. You are so strong and amazing! Don’t ever tell yourself otherwise!!
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Thank yall so much! My husband was raised by a narcissist so those traits tend to shine through with his lack of emotions and empathy for people. But I do need to learn to focus on myself a little more at times versus giving my all to my family 100% of the time. I’m getting out of the house today because I just need to get out and breathe for a moment without kids. So hopefully that helps for today.
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Good!! You are a wife and a mother but even more you are a person. Me time is important to recharge your batteries. I’m glad you took time for yourself even if it’s just getting out for a little while. You matter too!
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