Hey so I am brand new on here, heard about this app from a friend. Don’t know exactly where to start so I’m just winging it
My name is April I’m 27 years old. I was addicted to opiates(mostly fentanyl) and meth for 5 years.
On June 26 I found out I was pregnant, I continued to use for a few days as I didn’t know if I was going to keep it or not. On July 1st I decided to keep it. I was doing about 3-3.5 grams of fentanyl/carfentanil a day (smoking it) and about a 1-2 grams of meth(also smoking it)
I tried to get into medical detox but there were no openings in the ones in my town, also The one I could possibly get into the next day would not have allowed me to smoke cigarettes and I was reluctant to check into that one because I wasn’t willing to give up cigarettes as well. So I ended up detoxing at home. My boyfriend at the time Who I had only been with for two or three months was the babies dad. He is amazing when I first met him he was just my roommate I like to move in with me and rent a room and then we ended up liking each other and I had also been escorting for the past eight years or so to support my addiction and stuff like that so when I got together with him I quit escorting. Anyway so yeah I detox at home and it was really really really rough and I still can’t believe it but he stuck by me the whole time they say hope it withdrawal is 3 to 5 days well that’s not true at all know when you’ve been on as much as I was and for five years. I was so well I can barely walk but obviously had diarrhoea tremors I couldn’t sleep he had to literally bathe me. It was terrible there were times I didn’t want to do it I didn’t sleep for 10 days yourself and on the eighth day I ended up in the hospital because I kept puking and fainting and diarrhoea and I just I wasn’t doing well and I was super dehydrated and the fact I hadn’t slept the whole time I was literally going crazy so I went to the hospital got hydrated told him I was pregnant so they gave me supports they gave me clonidine to help with the withdrawals and some Ativan. The withdrawals physically lasted about three weeks but then I went into a very severe depression for at least two months I couldn’t laugh I couldn’t smile I didn’t wanna get out of bed it was really bad anyway so I stayed clean throughout my pregnancy gave birth to my beautiful baby girl named Jayda on February 25th After being in labour for 27 hours she was a beautiful and healthy 6 lbs. 11 oz. 20 inches long.
Now CFS ( child and family services) was involved right away at the hospital, because of my history of drug use even tho I was clean and had been doing drug tests at my maternity clinic. They also had concerns because me and baby’s dad got in some trouble in June and I had some pending charges(I hadn’t really been in trouble before then except for an assault charge in 2016 and a theft charge and a breach which I did 3 months for in 2017)
So after talking with child and family services in the hospital at which time I assured them that baby daddy was not in the picture because I knew that’s what they wanted to hear we were also co Accused sowe had no contact order. So they let me take her home from the hospital but they followed me back to my house and I wanted to search my home to make sure there was no signs of him living there because my mom was with me when I gave birth to her and she was telling them how I’m so in love with him and that I would do anything for him and I’m lovestruck and how he’s so abusive and controlling which is not true but she just hates him. So I basically only had one hours notice to give him so he can have all of his stuff not in there and he did a pretty good job except they found one dress shirt and like a couple tools in my house and they were not convinced that he was not around.
Now a little background info my mother lost me and my brother because of drug use and criminal lifestyle and she still wasn’t clean like I met her when I was 16 so when cfs was first involved at the hospital I called my brother because he’s 4 years older than me because they wouldn’t let me drive with her because she’s had warrants and doesn’t have her license so my brother came so he was at the house with us and CFS made me make a safety plan,now I had never been involved in CFS before so I didn’t know how literal this plan was like I thought it was just for a few days I didn’t know this was like semi permanent thing but they said I had to go back with Jayda to my brothers house if I wanted to keep her with me right. So that’s what I did. So the safety plan rules were there were four things one baby was not to be around Jeremy at all whatsoever he was not allowed to see her and they said if he did they would take her from me. Second was that I had to stay clean and that I would continue doing drug tests which is fine. Third was if I did relapse and use baby was to be left with a responsible adult meaning my brother or his girlfriend and I would not come back until I was not high anymore. Which was also fine because I had no intentions on relapsing like I’m breast-feeding and done with that life.And the final one was that I was not allowed to leave my brothers house with my daughter without my brother or his girlfriend with me. Which is pretty disheartening I mean I had put a lot of effort into getting sober and trying to get my life on track I wasn’t escorting or in that lifestyle anymore yeah I’ve gotten into a little bit of trouble with baby daddy before I found out I was pregnant but after that I was very well behaved you know but whatever I didn’t break that rule either.
So it was pretty hard being away from my house and having to move in with my brother and all the stuff I mean him and his girlfriend have some issues and she has a nine-year-old with mental issues who is extremely violent and just got all sorts of issues and then they have a six month old together so it was a pretty hectic household and after about two months I hadn’t gone Out anywhere or done anything and my brother noticed I was a little depressed so he says to me, you know having a newborn is stressful and you’ve been doing great but if you want to go out and do something or see your friend or go to your house for the night that’s fine I can watch Jayda. So I talked to baby daddy and he said he would pay my brother $100 to watch her for the night
So baby daddy picked me up we had a decent night I went back to my house got to see my dog spend some time with baby daddy I had a few drinks, I didn’t think it was a big deal because drinking wasn’t a part of my addiction it was not an issue for me I hadn’t had a drink in five years or seven years really since my dad died and my brother didn’t think it was a big deal as well I mean he has a beer every now and again right but his girlfriend decided to call CFS and report me saying I was out all night partying even though I followed the safety plan baby didn’t see dad yes I had a couple drinks but what does someone do you like a normal person who’s not a drug addict do on occasion when I wanna relax and let go they have a drink right and I didn’t see anything wrong with that and it’s funny because Melissa drinks to (my brothers girlfriend). But this was on Easter weekend so when she made the report it went to after hours.Also I just need to note I didn’t breastfeed when I got home I pumped for 24hrs and threw it out( they say it’s about 3 hours per drink, I had 4 drinks so that’s 12 hours so I waited twice as long and just gave her formula) Also keep in mind me and my brother both didn’t know she had called them.Then on the Tuesday something terrible happened. Baby was only 2 months so she couldn’t roll over, now I spent a lot of time on the couch with her, so I left her on the couch and me and my brother went out for a smoke, we heard baby crying so we came back in and she was on the floor, now the 9 year old was sitting there playing video games he said he didn’t know what happened but the dog came running to us when we came in so we figured she must have jumped on the couch which made baby fall off. Now I know that was a bad decision, and so was this. But we checked her out and looked it up, she cried right away which was a good sign, also she had no signs of concussion, we stayed up with her all night making sure she was acting normal and waking her up every 2 hours making sure she was alert and would eat and such. Then the next morning Melissa was on the phone went outside then came back in. She said oh that was your cfs worker and she said because you missed an appointment on Monday you have to take her to childrens today. And that if I can’t convince you to take her in that they would make you. So right away I was suspicious,me and my brother called the doctors office because I didn’t know I had an appointment on Monday that I missed. And when we called they confirmed there was no appointment booked. So that was a lie, turns out that was just a lure to get me to the hospital so they could apprehend her. Once I got to the hospital with Melissa I got a text from my worker saying she heard I was at the hospital and that she was coming to be apart of the assessment to see if there are any injuries and if there are what the plan is( keep in mind we hadn’t even checked into Triage yet so the hospital didn’t know what happened) and only me my brother and Melissa was there and knew what happens so obviously she called them and reported it.
So yeah they came to the hospital. Baby got checked out and she was fine, they said she looked really good no signs of head trauma or anything like they. But apprehended her due to what they call as neglect because my brother watched her for a night while I was “partying” and because I didn’t seek medical attention for her from falling. Now I’m not going to lie like if cfs wasn’t up my butt in the first place I wouldn’t have been so scared to take her into the hospital when she fell.
Anyway so now she’s in foster care.
I’m still sober but have been struggling, very depressed, so when I had my meeting with them last week they announced that they were going for a Permanent Guardianship order, instead of a Temporary guardianship order. Because they weren’t convinced that they would for sure be able to give her back to me after 6 months. So that was devastating. But I can still get her back because the trial for the PGO will be about a year away so if I can prove them wrong and do everything I need to do before then, then I will get her back.But since then I’ve become extreamly depressed, suicidal even, not that I would do that to my daughter, I wouldn’t. But the thoughts are intrusive. And I’ve made the conscious decision that if I don’t get her back I won’t be sticking around. I’ve been through a lot in life but this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. But I’m trying to stay positive, I’m not going to give up my my mum so easily gave up on me and my brother.
Hi 
welcome to the community,
It sounds like you have been and are still going through a really tough time. Here is a hug 
I think you understand for the future what you need to do, although easy for me to say and a year away of feeling low and depressed isnt going to be easy.
You seem to have a good understanding of what is expected of you, and i think your being really positive still to know it wont be easy but you can do it.
The community here is great, it wont be long before someone who may relate with your story will be able to say hi and be supportive.
Everyone in this community which you now have became apart of could be the difference between staying clean. For me and many of us here the support we give and receive has had life changing results for us.
Thank you for sharing your story, i know it wasn’t easy but you are doing the right thing reaching out for help and advice.
I know from reading your post you can do this, you need to kow your not alone we are all here today standing with you strong staying clean together.
You can do this, through the good and bad days we are here stick with it. I know you have the strength to get through this for yourself and your daughter.
So glad you found us.
You have a lot on your plate. I’m sure it feels overwhelming at times.
As I walk difficult things in recovery I stay really close to my support group.
I’ve had to clean up wreckage from my past. None of its been easy. Staying clean and sober as I face it and doing the next right thing over and over has been successful for me. When I don’t know what to do next. Having clarity of mind has been vital for me to find the answer. Some days the next right thing is small, other days I make many big steps.
You just have to stay clean and prove your responsible enough to be a good mom. You can do this!
Welcome!
Hey April and thanks for sharing your story. I can’t tell you how sad it makes me that your baby was taken away. You seem like a good and loving mother. It seems you might be slipping through the crags of the system there. I admire you for how you cleaned up and how well you’ve been doing!! You are one stong lady for this!!
The plan must now be to remain sober and take it one day at a time! Do all your sobriety work. Are you going to meetings? Maybe start volunteering or working a side gig to keep your mind busy and provide a little for when you have her back. Never lose hope. Take it one day at a time. I also live with serious depression and it’s hard. But it is possible to do the right thing despite.
I hope you stay connected here, there is so much info and community and warmth to be had.
Sending you a big hug!!
If you want your daughter back, you need to be well first. Get the help you need. CFS has a goal of protecting the child but they are also charged to try to keep families together. Show them that you are willing to do whatever is necessary to get your daughter back. Get mental health counseling. If you are so depressed you need to go to a hospital, then go. Go to drug treatment. Follow all recommendations. Go to parenting classes. If CFS tells you to attend any programs or classes, do it. Don’t miss any scheduled visitations with your child. Comply with what CFS is telling you to do: they have all the power. Document all of your efforts— like each time you attend parenting class or counseling or a visit. Do you have a lawyer? I don’t know where you are but one should be appointed to represent you in the court proceedings regarding your child. You need to talk to them because their job is to fight for you.
Now is not the time to give up and feel sorry for yourself. If you don’t want to repeat the cycle, don’t. You have the power to change it. So change it. It’s time to step up. Good luck.