I’m having a hard time putting more than 5 days together. For some stupid reason when my boyfriend starts drinking I think it’s okay to also knowing that the outcome is always the same arguments hurtful words and more resentments towards each other we are barely hanging on I’ve had to run off from him 3x this week alone he is so very mean with his words and is very destructive towards our home I can’t handle him. But once he sobers up I come running back to him. I’ve decided to give him 60 days to see if we can do something positive towards our recovery and our relationship sadly if we can not do this at the end of our 60 days I am prepared to separate myself from him we have been together 3 years in May and we haven’t progressed very far plus the infeswlitu and abuse doesn’t help any. Today is a rainy day and I feel like utter crap I am coming down off substance’s and feeling the effects my problem is I can’t engage in recovery because it takes attention away from him . I don’t argue with him about his therapy sessions or groups but he always has something negative to say when I want to go to my groups or have a therapy session he copes an attitude and says things like if you go all you’re gonna do is trash talk me and that’s ba. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place here something has to give or I’m gonna slowly sink back into my old ways and I’m desperate I want to live not just survive I know I deserve to lead a happy productive life but this chaos has become so comfortable anytime I muster up the courage to leave I get out into the world and immediately become scared this is due to him isolating me from everyone including my family I see this relationship is unhealthy and toxic and probably will go no further than where it is now but it’s terrifying to think of the unknown and my addicted brain drums up these dangerous situations that may or may not ever come to pass. My fear is crippling my addiction is swallowing me up and I can’t find anyway out. I toss and turn night after night a while my addiction runs wild in my mind I swear I will fight the urge to drink and use but I always end up caving after about 2 weeks here resently it seems I’ve spent more time under the influence than I have sober and this scares me it’s hard to say no to your d.o.c. When it’s flaunted in front of you I’m trying to build a support system but he fights me tooth an nail I’m exhausting all resources and it’s so disheartening. If and when I do leave I’ll have to leave everything I own behind along with my animals and this is also a big deciding factor as to why I procrastinate going to a woman’s shelter isn’t exactly appealing so I endure this because it’s what I’m used to. God please help me get through this I need a miracle for sure thank you to whoever takes time out of their day to read this and respond. Sincerely a girl who is trying
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Reading what you write all I can say is you need to get away from him asap. 60 Days seems far too long. There’s help available. You need to find recovery and you’re not going to find it with him. From what I read here. Can your family help you? Not sure where you’re at but everywhere in Europe, North America and Australia there’s professional help available too. I feel for you. You deserve a better life than this. Get help lady. Wishing you strength and success.
Run from this man as soon as you can.
First of all, sorry for your abusive relationship. As @Mno stated you deserve much better. Your next step is to find a service that helps people and possibly animals to leave such a terrible situation.
It will be tough, but not as tough as staying there any longer and risking your wellbeing.
Staying sober and clear headed during this time will help with making challenging decisions you will face. Keep checking in here, you’ve got this 
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My relationship was very similar. The same toxic cycle over and over again. The problem is, it will escalate, it always does. Even though I left my situation, I still miss the “good times” or the idea of what could have been. I understand the hesitency, but you can do this. Look up trauma bonding and see if some of that sounds familiar to you. Sometimes it helps to understand the reasoning behind why we stay.
My heart goes out to you. Your situation sounds very toxic. Your job is to get yourself right. Dont give up hope.
So this is just what has worked in my life.
Anytime someone is against my positive, morally good progress… I will at least gray rock and be nonreactive and stop sharing anything related to my goals / dreams / vision and what I’m doing to fulfill those things with that person. They are at least very sick to be talking and behaving that way on the one end. On the other end they can be all the way up to evil and possessed in my experience.
I set a boundary. If they respect the boundary I can work with them. If they mock or trample the boundary for me it’s time to cut them off entirely as I’ve found in life there are no coincidences. If someone doesn’t want good things for you such as to be sober in my experience only an earth shattering change in their mindset and spiritual beliefs can fix that.
I was in and out of AA for 20 years. The only thing that got me to stay sober and be joyous and free of depression was asking Jesus for help. He left the other 99 sheep to save me. I don’t tell anyone else what to do or believe but that is what worked for me.