Struggling to stay sober

Life in Recovery
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I always look for excuses, like I’m not addicted to drugs because … i don’t steal to get high… Because I don’t sell myself for drugs… Because there are some days where I’m sober. …Because I don’t always " need " the drugs.

But now I’ve been 7 days sober and I’m thinking why not one more time? Why not one more drink? I’ll justify it by telling myself after that I’ll stop. It’s just one night after all. I’ll tell myself, I’ve never been addicted to alcohol so why am I stopping myself now. It’s because I’m looking for something, anything to replace my high, even just a little. & I think I do that with men too. I’ll replace the need of a high with the need of affection, attention & sex. & when that attention fluctuates just a little. I’ll want to numb it away.

Then I’ll go to NA meetings. Which currently is the only thing keeping me sane & sober. And I’ll hear people’s story. Sometimes I won’t see any similarities at all. & ill tell myself. You see, you’re okay. You aren’t an addict. And other times I’ll hear someone talk & it hits home. All the emotions. All their reasons are my reasons.

How can I stay sober, when being sober hurts. I’m ashamed of what I’ve become. Of being hopeless to a substance. I thought being sober was the easy part. You decide to be sober and you’re life gets better. You go to meetings and you’re happier. But it doesn’t work like that. The last 3 days all I’ve wanted to do was cry. I don’t like crying. I don’t like feeling. All I want is just something to make me numb again. There’s a saying in NA that is supposed to help. " just for today". So yeah " just for today" I will try to be sober.

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Thanks for your post! I can relate to your feelings…I have been sober 2.5 years and I still have days where I think I’m normal and can use or drink…but im able to play the tape through, and know that I’ll end up back in jail, crashing cars, fighting, and ruining all my friendships and relationships! I also have proven to myself that no matter what the substance I can’t control it, I will abuse it…god bless, keep moving forward

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You may or may not find this helpful depending on how you feel right now but everything you are feeling is normal for an addict// alcoholic trying to get sober. Sounds like you are doing all the right things and it is a day at a time. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

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I echo everything said. Your experienced doing great. Stick with it

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I just had a look at your posts and saw your age. I’m thinking back to when I was that age, I used drugs but it hadn’t become much of a problem. I also had my first alcohol blackout which was scary. It’s great that you are giving this a go at a young age, I don’t think I had the insight then. I’m now 38 and I’ve spent more than half my life under the influence of something or other. I use that to remind myself of how I want the rest of my life to be, as I think as we get older we realise it’s not forever. But also, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work the first time, that’s completely normal

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I know that struggle to well myself. Keep strong

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