Feeling pretty low at the moment, 47 days clean currently. Reached out to my ex in the hope of reconnecting, she’s read my message and not replied.
Getting doubts and big anxiety, urges, the addiction telling me that she’s not gonna want anything to do with me and I should just jack it all in and go on a porn/masturbation/sex bender.
Trying to rationalise it, she’s probably just having a busy day, maybe wants to take her time to figure out a reply, maybe she just isn’t ready to talk.
I’ve been using the hope of getting my shit together so we can reconnect as a big motivator for quitting porn & cybersex. If that hope is taken away I don’t want to relapse and fuck up the progress I’ve made.
This is what I call an extrinsic motivator. Quitting for someone else like for God or my wife are examples of these. And they don’t work.
I am intrinsically motivated to stop lust and porn. I don’t do it to save a relationship. I do it because I’ve understood that it’s the best decision for myself.
Are you currently attending any support group such as SAA, SLAA, or SA? Because doing this alone is a recipe for disaster.
Patience and little by little connect. People that being hurt need time. But if you keep working in your sobriety in due time you will reap good fruits
The issue I’ve been having when trying to quit is letting my addict brain override my rational brain.
When I think rationally of course it’s better for me as a person to quit. When I’m thinking less rationally it has made it easier to lean on fixing myself so I am capable of being in a healthy relationship.
I’m well aware that there’s a pretty hefty chance that this could backfire and I relapse. But currently it is keeping me going.
I’ve looked at SAA meetings, there aren’t any local that I am able to attend, I need to see about going to an online one.
Also, isn’t god/a higher power a big part of the 12 step process? Wouldn’t that be an extrinsic motivator or am I confused/misguided?
Obviously at some point my motivations are going to have to change, either my ex gf and I will make it work and I’ll need to continue to motivate my sobriety, or we won’t and I’ll need to find the motivation to continue my sobriety.
It’s still early days for me, I’ve just finished “your brain on porn” and found it an interesting read, if you have any recommendations on good literature I’d be happy to hear them!
All I can do is work on myself, if she can trust me again that would be amazing but I’m aware that I have betrayed her and it’s not easy to forgive and move on.
I don’t share your specific addiction, but at the height of my struggles, my actions pushed a lot of people I loved away. Now, I’m more than a year and a half sober and while the idea of reconnecting occasionally crosses my mind, it’s not something I’ll ever do. Just because I got my shit together, doesn’t mean the hurt I caused others magically resets. Those people blocked me for a reason. The only thing I can do is respect the boundary and stay away. You cheated on your girlfriend. I’m sorry, but if she decided that’s the hard line, she deserves to move on and heal away from you.
Hi Rich, sorry to hear about your loss. It is hard.
I agree with Amy (above), you cheated on your gf and it is up to her whether she wants you in her life. It is hard for sex / lust addicts to see the depth and impact of the hurt we cause to our relationships because for us that sex addiction behaviour is our standard life for so many years, so many decades. We’ve never not lived life that way. Other people - including your girlfriend - see the insanity more clearly for what it really is, and they make choices based on that. They have a right to those choices, just as we have a right to ours. The consequences of choices - their choices and our choices - are a part of that.
I don’t think of it that way. The word “higher power” gets used a lot but it could just as easily be the word “external power”. Everything has a related external power or powers. Waves are caused by external powers (seismic activity, rocks falling in the water, etc etc). If I am the wave, me being a wave doesn’t mean I’m relying on extrinsic motivation. It means I am letting the energy flow in and through me. I’m not preoccupied with what shifting tectonic plates caused me, or what rockslide caused me. The rocks are the rocks and I am the wave. Each of us is being what we are, intrinsically.
These are groups more than literature but these groups are full of people who know about the journey of recovery in sex addiction:
For me, I am a member of SA (Sexaholics Anonymous, www.sa.org) and the literature in that - including the SA White Book, and the related SA books Step Into Action and The Real Connection - has been a huge part of my recovery.
Thank you for your comments, I think it’s been way too easy for me to brush aside the plain and simple fact that I cheated and betrayed her trust.
The porn/sex addiction has really numbed me emotionally to what isn’t acceptable in a relationship and I need to spend some time un-numbing and realising the extent of the consequences of my actions and how much pain and hurt I caused my ex.
When I take a step back and look at the whole situation, she is well within her rights to want nothing to do with me.
I don’t want to continue to use my ex, during our relationship I used her for sex, and now that we’ve split up it isn’t right to use her for motivation. I need to get to the point where I am fully doing this for me, not for anyone else.
That being said, it’s really hard when the addiction trashes your self worth and makes you feel like shit.
I will keep trying, get some more books on the subject to read, I’m starting the easypeasy book and I’ll have a look at the links that Matt sent.
This insight came to me too, as my eyes opened in early recovery. In my addiction, I use people as objects, as tools. If I really want to recover, and stay in recovery, I have to learn not to do that. I have to learn the healthy, simple, honest practice of relating to another human with a healthy vulnerability. That, for me, is what I am learning at my recovery meetings.
@rich13693 is impossible to know the heart of a person but I am sure that she will see your efforts and real commitment with time. Forgiveness is a task that all of us have to work if we want to be truly happy
When I was in active addiction I was in a relationship. And I was an absolute disaster. I caused my partner a lot of pain. When I eventually got sober I owed her a bunch of amends. But the most important amends I made was to leave her the fuck alone and let her move on with her life. And that’s exactly what I did. She’s now married, has a kid, and from what I can tell is living a great life. And I’m also living a great life with my amazing partner and our blended family.
Your ex does not owe you anything. Not forgiveness. Not closure. Not the time of day. Not anything. But you owe her the ultimate amends. Leave her alone. Forever. If she wants to she’ll reach out, but other than that you owe her the peacefulness of a happy life.
Struggling again.
110 days sober today.
Ex came round to mine yesterday, after being no contact. I did a full disclosure of what my acting out entailed. A lot of tears, from both of us.
It was the right thing to do to come clean and be honest about my actions, but it didn’t make it any easier to see the pain I’ve caused someone I am supposed to love and care about. Now feeling extra shitty about myself and self-loathing.
I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t want to relapse. Currently I feel like I’m just existing, not living.
Just stopped in to say you’re not alone in this. I am feeling very similar in that sense of existing and not living. Coming up on 1 month sober tomorrow, so also in the early days. I try and focus on the good feelings and take note of them to carry with me. This community is a great reminder that in time and with work it will pay off and we will be living and not existing. Its great you were able to make that disclosure and hopefully with some time for it to sink in for your ex they will come around again. In the meantime one day at a time. You got this
You did the right thing, Rich. We talk them out (feelings and past actions/inactions) or we end up acting them out. There’s healing in those tears, too. It’s a good day to be sober and have our emotions friend.