Your speaking everything I say all the time to, but fuck that I thought I was a bad ass when I drank and was cool and funny and did what I wanted. Yeah 3 dwis and ruining my life completely was really cool, makes me wish I would of took the goody goody route now lol. You can still watch those goofy youtube videos sober. Or watch the movie, start doing you’re art again. I’ve felt everything you are feeling and it’s going to get better ok I promise you, you are absolutely meant to live, I’ve tried killing myself twice, once with a whole bottle of Tylenol, and the second hanging myself. All while completely wasted. I’m sorry my brain is really foggy this evening so I’m doing terrible coming up with the words to help, but I know it will get better for you.
Thank you, I really want that but also want to get fucked up and have fun. It doesn’t make sense does it because my idea of having “fun” is the idea of society, it’s normal for everyone to wake up and hurt from a hangover which is really just your body crying out for help since you’ve poisoned it, how normal and funny it has become to laugh at a friends hangover, (haha), I hate that. We all feel the same about this substance yet only a small part of us really makes an educated division to live a healthy life, we’re the minority aren’t we.
The last few times that I drank I came really close to slitting my wrists and I have NEVER picked up a knife or even come that close, and I threw my wine glass into the sink full of dishes, it shattered everywhere. After that night is when I decided to try and get sober agin and here is day 14.
I just feel like I don’t know who to be anymore. When I came to work hungover or just completely exhausted from no sleep, I k ow I ran purely on adrenaline, and now I’m exhausted by 8 pm and want to do nothing but sleep? Really tells me how much I was abusing my body.
But I just don’t know what I want from life anymore, I don’t think I ever did, I’ve always been this way, even before my addiction, my mother judged me my whole life for it that I didn’t go to school to become something great, I just wanted to be an artist and to this day she says to me “Stop saying you’re an artist, you’re not, that’s ridiculous, an artist is an artist when it becomes their job and they make a great living from it, you have no right to say that”. Hence? Another reason why I cut my parents out of my life. All anyone has done in my life is hurt me, honestly I don’t even know if any of my exes really loved me and that hurts.
I’m sorry to all of you. I’m taking up your whole evening and again, because I can’t handle my own life. I’m pathetic.
That idea of the liberation that comes with being fucked up is definitely alluring. But I think it’s the idea of it that’s intoxicating. The reality is often so mundane.
I have also found it surprising how many other people actually don’t get fucked up for fun. Even in my friendship group, not everyone stayed until 4am etc. But I obviously gravitated towards people who did get fucked up. Now I know a big mix of people and quite a few don’t drink, most don’t drink excessively.
I do see my old friends who drink a lot occasionally, but for occasions and it makes it special and I love seeing them. I go home early and wake up with a head full of lovely memories. I don’t see the people I don’t love seeing!
I’m making it sound easy - it hasn’t been. But it has been worth it 
I am working on this too. It’s a big question and I think it’s reasonable that the process of answering it is long and hard.
There’s a thing about expectations causing resentments. If we expect to be perfect we are setting ourselves up to fail.
Just don’t drink today - that’s enough for now 
Don’t be sorry, there is nothing else I’d rather be doing this evening then sitting here helping you and talking to you. This is all going to pass. I also see a therapist who helps with this type of stuff, can you maybe get into one as well? It might really help you out
That was beautiful. Thank you
Been there done that. Been on Prozac too? Twice, couldn’t make it past a month feeling like a robot. I don’t like taking meds, I sit. Want to be dependent even worse on something that’s altering my brain, I’ve altered it with alcohol enough already, and talking to a therapist never helped, I get everything, I also have no problem speaking out when I’m feeling awful, they just sit there and listen and going over my life and what happened to me just makes me more upset. Trust me. I’ve tried many times.
Ok, yeah I don’t take any medicine either. I’ve tried Prozac, Zoloft, paxil, venflaxazine, Wellbutrin. I’ve tried it all as well and felt the same. My therapist specialist in alcohol recovery. So I mean I’m not trying to sound rude but it doesn’t sound like you want to put in the work, ur gonna have to really want this and maybe find a therapist that works for you. I’ve gone through a couple therapist as well, and that’s there job is to sit and listen to you belt everything out. And get down to everything so they can help give you the tools to get to where you need to be. I definitely feel like I’m possibly being annoying so im just gonna stop, but just wanting to help and trying to get you through another day sober
My insurance isn’t that good, it’s not an excuse, I can’t afford it.
You’re not being annoying, why would I think that, not at all. You’re making a great point, no, I have not gone to an addiction counselor before and would live to try it but like I said, I have a huge deductible with my insurance, I can’t afford to pay $100 per session or whatever it might be. I will start by buying all the books that will help me, ready them once and twice, and go to meetings, I guess I just have to suck it up unless I want to die.
Wow. Thank you so much for writing that, all of you guys make perfect sense and all if you just talked me off the ledge. You really did. Thank you so much. I’m gonna go order that book now.
How many days do you have Kevin?
That’s amazing. I know that there are some people that chose to do it on their own. I’m just not a very social person, I have social anxiety, I mean if I have to meet someone new I will do it, but I haven’t gone to a meeting yet either and I mean not ever, I’ve been plenty of times but never came back because I fell back into my addiction. So far I have been doing it on my own too. Congratulations on your 1 year. That’s incredible. I wonder if I can do it too.
Hi Ally, I can identify with a lot of what you say here. I am the same age as you and have a lot of the same feelings of having wasted time. Wasted purpose. Wasted energy. But I just can’t give up. I can’t believe that there isn’t something I need to find. Like - there has to be. There has to be. Right? Like, what else is there?
So I am looking into some different meetings this week. I am looking into some meetings that fit into my schedule. I am trying Celebrate Recovery and Buddhist Recovery. It will basically mean that I won’t have much other than work, commuting to and from work, eating (sometimes at the meetings), and doing errands and trying to stay busy on the weekends - but I am going to try 7 days of meetings. I haven’t done that before. I’m going to try and see what that does.
I am finding that being alone is my trouble spot. It is when I get negative. I need some change, to change.
Do you think there’s a way you can change these negative thoughts?
I’m okay today. I had an emotional moment last night, I feel great today.
Glad to hear it. We’re up and down aren’t we. That is part of the danger. We need to introduce a routine. Have you decided on a routine for the next few days?
I’m surprised noone has suggested it yet. If you are looking for significant social sober interactions, and you don’t want to drink,an AA meeting is a good safe place to be.
I used to tell myself I was not the group type. What I really wanted was to keep drinking. When I desperately wanted to stop and stay stopped and not feel crazy, I went back to AA and did what they suggested. AA works for millions of people, me included.
I thought that it had been suggested last night. 