Hey im new here. About 2 weeks ago I had a really bad fight with my girlfriend and we took a break form the relationship. I was extremely over obsessing and protective of her and it would make me accuse her of things she wasn’t doing. she also felt like the had to be the man in the relationship and coddle me all the time. after the break she hasn’t said a single word to me. I have been giving her space and only sent her 3 text and one voicemale on this time. but everyday im alone I can’t take it. im always looking to see if she’s active or looked at what I sent her and I cant stop thinking about her
I have been trying to improve myself by going to the gym every day. getting back into old hobbies and hanging out with buddies. I also just started a new job but I still think about her 24/7 and dont know what to do about it
Honestly this didn’t sound like a good relationship for her. I think therapy would benifit you so you can deal with whatever makes you insecure. If you do end up back together I would strongly suggest couples counseling. The best thing you can do is learn and not repeat the behavior in your relationships going forward. Partners are not our possessions, they have freewill as do we. Keep up with self growth and moving forward. Best wishes to you.
You’re already doing things that are productive and good for you. The first step is identifying your thoughts and feelings and you did that too.
People are different so go with what works for you as long as you’re also mindful of your overall well-being and you are not at risk.
Journal about it too. That’s probably a cliche suggestion but it might help to write down everything on your mind, take a step back, then re-read to understand yourself better and see where you can start working on first.
Keep focusing on yourself: things you want to do, things you have to do. It’s good that you poured your feelings here and not anything that could be detrimental to you.
I wanna show her that I can be less clingy and obsessive. its why I haven’t been spamming her. I really hope she can see that. and when we where together in person she was so happy and always was extremely grateful of everything we did together. she loved me more then she ever loved anyone before she told me several times. I really hope she will give me another chance one day to show her I can be a better partner
im extremely clingy and codependent. I get upset whenever she cant call or has to change plans because of her job or family and I didn’t see things form her point of view
I’ve had my fair share of codependent relationships, it’s a hard way to live. Always stressing/worrying about your partner, wanting to be in constant contact with them, and making assumptions about their words or actions are all things I’m familiar with.
Looking back, I think personal insecurity, trust issues, and the lack of self-love that were a few of the big culprits. Fortunately I was able to address these issues and more in therapy which really helped in my experience. Maybe therapy would be a good place to start if you have the option!
Addiction or no, I’m glad you’re reaching out for support. The emotional roller coaster of codependency can be addictive in a way, maybe some time apart from your girlfriend would be good for some perspective
yeah im definitely gonna use the time to improve myself. I definitely wanna start going to in person Tharpey. but I really do hope she takes me back soon
A few people beating around the bush so I will be more clear. This is a sobriety forum. We are all here for our common struggle with addiction. I think therapy would be far more beneficial for you than the advice we offer. Honestly the way you describe your behaviors is incredibly controlling and potentially dangerous that requires professional help
Ok, it’s good that you are aware of your behaviour. Many are blind or ignorant. Still, you need help with you codependency.
Let’s lay down some facts: you are lying to her, gaslighting her, controlling her movements, guilt tripping and bordering on stalkerish territory. It seems that you’re only focusing on YOU even when you’re broken up/on a break. The solution is not necessarily to get her back. The solution is that you take this seriously and start working on your issues. These are harsh words, but this is a serious matter that has the potential to escalate.
yeah I know. People keep telling me I need to do things to improve myself for myself and not for her. I really wanna start Tharpey but im scared to become if I do get diagnosed with something I can loose my Flight Medicaid and loose my job as a professional pilot so idk what to do.
I don’t know how health care works where you live but I’m guessing that it takes more than that for a pilot’s licence to be revoked. I understand being afraid. Some of that fear is just a mask covering pride and not wanting to admit the need for help. It’s also a mask for shame. You have already voiced some of your issues to internet strangers and survived that. If you can find a safe place with a trusted wise friend or a professional, you’ll see that bringing things to light is an important step towards healing and freedom.
Think about your quality of life and your future relationships. Dealing with one’s internal issues is one of the best investments one can make. The more we heal, the more fulfilling life will be. Not easier, but we can handle things and people with integrity and grace. No more wasting energy with obsessing over things that are not in my control.
You can try to tone your obsessive behaviour down but unless you understand WHY you act like you do, you won’t be able to maintain it. You can try to distract yourself with hobbies (it’s good to have those!) but when life gets tough, those won’t sustain you in the long run.
Whether or not your relationship survives, she is not the answer to your loneliness. Be really honest with her and respect her decision.
your 100% right. im definitely afraid to go to Tharpey. I have had this problem of being so clingy it leads to me becoming controlling before and I do Wanna get that fixed. Hopefully I can find a therapist I like that my insurance covers soon.
Codependency is a very hard thing to tackle. You can search here for the tag codependency or use the search function, not all posts are tagged.
There are honest and deep sharings about codependency and dealing with it.
You will find a lot about it in my own posts and my story over the years.
Therapy and educating yourself about codependent behaviour is crucial for working on it.
It requires patience, self-discipline and a hard, honest look at your underlying issues. And patience & practicing, setting inner boundaries, finding ways to comfort yourself with self-love and kindness.
I am over a year free from codependent behaviour and it still needs daily work to keep it that way. It took me years to get there.
I want to encourage you to work on it, it takes time and millions of babysteps especially at the start. As you work on your underlying issues and replace unhealthy codependent behaviour with healthy, self-caring routines it will have a massive effect on your quality of life and mental health. But it’s hard work, daily, and you have to keep going.
Please share away here and reach out. This forum holds space for non-substance addictions too and being co-dependent on other people is for sure something you can share here and find support and feedback.
