The past 5 years of my life have been full of some of the best moments of my life, some really horrible and some have been really, really scary. Pretty much during all the negative times, I was drunk. I actually really love my life and realize that I am very fortunate. I have an amazing family, an awesome home that my boyfriend built, a beautiful 7 year old son, live in one of the most gorgeous states in the u.s. So why do I feel the need to go to the store multiple times a night to buy booze?!?! I dont even have a license. Anyway, I’m struggling to be the person I want to be, for myself and my loved ones. I get so mad at myself when I fail but I don’t think I’m truly a selfish person. I feel like one a lot though. A weak selfish human. Im really sick of feeling like this and super determined to stop drinking. Like, I really want my life back.
I’m 32 and never had issues with drinking up until I was 27. I went through a pretty rough breakup and used alcohol to cope with the loneliness. I had such a hard time falling asleep alone and drinking helped knock me out. I managed to find a great guy but even though life was great and I was happy but alcohol had a pretty firm grip on me. Being a little embarrassed by the amount I usually consume, I started buying those little nips of vodka and would stash a few in my purse and drink them behind his back. He’s not a dumb guy and knew what was up but id make excuses like, I’m a light weight or I haven’t eaten today and he’d just look at me like… No… But how are you so drunk?? So I pretty much have become a full fledged closet drinker. The shit is stashed everywhere and what really pisses me off is when I’m really trying to control myself and I open my purse, put my hand in a coat pocket, open my dresser and there is an undrinken nip. Now the day is ruined.
At this point, my drinking has gotten so out of control that I 've has 2 oui’s, been in 4 car accidents (thankfully no one has been hurt) fighting with my boyfriend more and have become more reclusive. Im really ashamed of myself and just want to stop completely. I’m going to loose everything I love if I don’t. Im lucky I haven’t already.
My boyfriend is so supportive and really wants to help me through this so now I’m trying to find as many resources as possible. I’m thinking about trying aa but would love suggestions as to what programs, activities, or even vitamins and herbs that help control cravings. Its now or never! I just gotta make it happen!!
Maybe you also need to dig a bit depper and find out what part of you is missing. The part you calm down with alcohol because you forgot how to fix it. I wish you all the best for your way and all the stuff you will find in yourself again. Forget about the selfdoubt. You are a fighter and you will win this!
That’s really good advice… I feel like there is some underlying issue that fuels my cravings. I would love to talk to someone who could help me figure that out. I was also thinking yoga might help put my mind in a good place. Thank you!
Yoga is pure gold… and every other kind of meditation. Try to calm myself with that also. And i am sure there are many people like you bf or even a person from outside who is interested in helping you and listening to you. Even if this might be the hardest part to open up that much. But even reading some posts here is a motivation to keep going hour for hour etc
And sorry if my english sounds bit strange. Its obviously my mothertoung
Thanks for the kind welcome. I definitely have a physical addiction to alcohol… I love drawing and noticed how bad my addiction had become when I needed a drink to stop my hands from shaking but then id keep drinking and get distracted. Lose lose situation.
When you said, “Being a little embarrassed by the amount I usually consume, I started buying those little nips of vodka and would stash a few in my purse and drink them behind his back. He’s not a dumb guy and knew what was up but id make excuses like, I’m a light weight or I haven’t eaten today and he’d just look at me like… No… But how are you so drunk??” I was like completely taken back because that has always been me! I’ve done the exact same thing, only not in front of just my boyfriend. In front of my family over holiday, friends, etc. I went through something horrible as well in my life, not a break up, but something life changing and bad and I saw drinking as an escape from my head and from the world basically. It had something to do with PTSD I was told, drinking wasn’t what was wrong it was that I had mental trauma, and I would be in social situations and would feel like all I wanted to do was run away and the secret drink in my purse or pocket was my escape out. On and off for 3 years I struggled this way, with my boyfriend who I have been with for 7 years always trying to help me out of it every step of the way. It’s so heartbreaking to let someone who is so good to you down and to let myself and family down and not even want to. Like you’re the person you want to hurt, you want to remove yourself from them not hurt anyone… You’re not a selfish person, there’s just a disease within you you didn’t know you had until the moment it released itself and each day you don’t let it control you is a gift and it’s such a powerful feeling to be stronger than something that may be in you but that’s truly in actuality separate from you, because who you are is a good, strong loving person who wants to succeed be happy and change for the better. For yourself and for those you love. You’ll notice so many good things happen just naturally when you aren’t lost in drinking and being cooped up inside. I realize for myself that drinking directly came from anything I felt was detrimental, like a bad instance at work, and all of my fight or flight anxieties of being around people, just being in loud places and in situations I didn’t want to be in would make me want to drink so it takes removing yourself, deep breaths, and daily exercise. Running or yoga or Pilates is what I do to take my mind off negativity. I also take ashwagandha capsules. They help with with my anxiety, like a natural remedy, and help people’s stress and how they cope in situations of stress, they just calm you down and are amazing natural herb capsules. I know your situation so well because it’s the exact same one I’m having and have been and so many good things have been happening for me and in my life and I just want it to stay that way and to remain present even during the not so good times. All the best!️
Hi! Thank you so much for sharing your story ! It’s horrible the things tHat we would do for alcohol and how we hurt our selfs and other people but it’s not your fault , don’t feel line you are a bad person , alcohol is very powerfull and take control of our lifes but I’m so happy to hear you are ready to fight against this desease.
I’m taking a medicine that my doctor prescribe maybe you can ask yours the name is naltrexone and really helps with the cravings. And I found this book that I absolutely love and keep me occupy. Come back here as many times as you need to.
I’m confident that I would not be sober without AA. I know there are other programs, and they may also be really good. For me, I had to do more than just stop drinking. I had repeatedly tried to do that on my own, and it never worked. I has to actually work on myself - my insecurities, my flaws, my triggers… and I have to have frequent reminders of why I cannot drink. Meetings help me remember why I can’t have “just one, just this once.”. I also need the support of other alcoholics who have been there. I have an amazing husband and great friends - all of whom drink like normal folks. They are supportive of me, but they don’t understand the withdrawals, the cravings, the compulsion to drink. I know that there is nothing I can say in my meetings that will come as a surprise to anyone!
Whatever route you choose, it sounds like you are truly done with drinking and are really wanting to get better. The good news? You absolutely can! It’s not easy, and it takes a lot of work - but you can do it. There is tons of support out there (and in here) for you.
Welcome @metalmom. I too hid booze everywhere and gave excuses… I don’t think I would be sober if I didn’t suck it up and go to AA. It was the single most difficult choice i had to make to get sober. No one understands an alcoholic better than another alcoholic. There is no judgement there. Just genuine people who want to help you get sober and stay sober. This is what I did in the beginning.
Talked to my Dr. Got meds to help with craving. (Embarrassing yes but necessary for me)
Went to AA meeting. (Loved it btw)
Read tons of books on alcohol.
Told my family (one at a time) that I was quiting. It was hard and embarrassing but also necessary. Everyone was supportive thankfully.
Watched documentaries on alcohol.
Read AA big book and workbooks.
Kept myself busy cooking cleaning walking etc.
Slept a lot that first few weeks.
Took vitimins suggested on this site.
Came here often.
Remember you only have to stay sober right now.
Don’t worry about Saturday night or aunt lulu’s wedding next month etc. JUST TODAY
Things started getting easier after a few weeks. Btw. I Worried I’d know someone in a meeting but more worried I’d loose everything I have to booze. I have met people I know there but they are struggling as well. Do everything you can to stay sober. You are worth it and deserve a better life.
It sounds like we have the same drinking habits and history. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Support groups have helped me tremendously. It’s not easy, but find someone to talk to and someone to hold you accountable outside of your family. Remember, there’s always hope and there’s nothing wrong with you. This is a powerful disease, but it doesn’t have to be your life. You can do this!
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