TW
I get along well with this coworker but on 2 occasions he’s mentioned sexual topics. (I’m not uncomfortable except for my sobriety)
I’m not sure what to think. Is he trying to see how far he can go? I’ve had inappropriate conversations with others at my previous job but I don’t want to find myself in a conversation that leads to unemployment, flirting, or a label. Nobody knows about my addiction or how my husband said “I’ll die before ever fucking you again!”.
I’m not attracted to this guy but have caught myself wondering about how his fingers would feel inside me. As well as if he is attracted to me. I want him to be but WHY when I don’t even want him?! I worried he quit the other day and wrote down his number off the employee contact sheet to reach out if he had. Clearly I lack sound judgment!
I have stopped myself on at least 2 occasions from discussing sex toys, oral, and BDSM. Saying “I’ll stop before I get in trouble.” Could it be because I’m not masturbating or having sex? This is literally the longest I’ve ever went without since losing my virginity over 20 years ago!
I’ve considered breaking my 90 day reset to stop these thoughts but know I’ll be pissed when it doesn’t work. Bargaining that it won’t be that bad because my urges will be here forever anyway. Masturbating would be better than riding him! I’ve 100% done worse. I have told myself this isn’t what I want. I miss doses and try rationalizing maybe that’s why I have these thoughts. But I also feel like taking the med is cheating in the first place. That I don’t have enough will power on my own. How I hate taking pills. I’m trying to be mindful of how I walk and not sway my hips. I’M ALL OVER THE PLACE!