I’m finding myself veering into hate and it’s starting to scare me.
Background story. Over 20 years of using crippled my short term memory. I have always struggled to remember names. I’m forgetful over small things. I have created tools to help and it’s worked.
About a month ago the mother of my great granddaughter mentioned I have signs of dementia because of what I spoke of above. So last time I went to the VA I mentioned it to my doctor. Like I asked him, if I’m forgetting would I know? So they scheduled me for a brain mri and conducted a cognitive test on me. I passed the test with flying colors. He found no issues to be concerned. I’m still taking the mri because better safe than sorry.
Now to the resentment. Last night it was told to me by several people that my “dementia” is all she talks about. I lose my lighters often. Five other smokers live here so it’s expected. What smoker doesn’t lose them? That’s my dementia. I get cranky. Dementia! I leave my coffee in the microwave because I get distracted. Dementia!! She even stated she won’t let me babysit because I’ll forget the baby. Like wtf???
No one else in the house sees symptoms in me. I’m finding myself being petty. Getting up to go inside and picking up my lighter while saying don’t forget the lighter, heaven forbid I have dementia. I don’t like acting that way.
The lady has anxiety issues, mood swings and is toxic as hell. I don’t know how to tell her to quit diagnosing me when she has no medical experience. Everything gets turned around in discussions. Yes, she is an active addict.
Any suggestions on how to handle this before I blow a gasket?
You could lean into it,.start calling her by her moms name, mention she looks a lot younger than you remember. Throw a frozen lasagna on the table and call it supper, wonder off into the woods for days on end… Then be like, just kidding you twirp.
Or have a conversation with her, sit.her down and tell her that it hurt you to hear her talk.about you that way, and that you had your own doubts so you got checked out and you’re fine. Ask her to forget about her crazy diagnosis because its hutwirl.
Sometimes people need to hear that what they say about people makes its way to them and their words hurt. It may help, it.may not, but that’s the most adult thing I can think of.
If it doesn’t help, i dont know, maybe start inviting her to parties that don’t exist?
Lean into it. Don’t tempt me lol. I’m a veteran so my sense of humor already runs dark. Lol.
I used to be toxic as hell myself so you would think I’d know how to handle it but I can’t go back to that old behavior. I think I’ll ask her later to go for a walk with me and bring it up then. Nice neutral area and no one else around. Thanks hun!
Hard to cut her off. We live in a multi generational house. But I am avoiding any area where she is right now. Lol I love your comment about my dementia making me forget her.
Just venting about it and you guys responding is helping me ease out of the all consuming resentment so I can think clearly. I appreciate it.
Even old timers are human, have issues and need help here and there. So glad my granddaughter showed me this app.
Exactly! I am surprised your noodle wasn’t already wrapped around leaning into it. I only had to tell my boss once, “my uncle is milton Bradley, I know how to play games!” We vets are special.
I say have a conversation and go from there. We are not in charge of what other people think. A good one on one convoy might befall that is needed.
I remembered when she and my granddaughter were arguing via text. I could tell by her body language she was starting a very toxic text. I told her to stop. I said don’t respond. Give yourself time to think about your response first. She wound up hand writing a letter instead. Doing that allows you to think instead of react. I just finished my letter to her. Damn, I calmed down thanks to you guys and followed my own advice I did my part. I’m not responsible for how she accepts it.
After that if it continues maybe I’ll start having fun with it instead of resenting since resentments only hurt me
I struggle as well when I feel judged. It typically leads me to a resentment. Funny not funny when I was drinking to a blackout I wouldn’t remember anything and then would argue about what had happened even though I had no idea….
As we all know, you cannot reason with a drunk/addict. Don’t bother. Maybe suggest to her that you clearly remember her judgmental bullshit from the last time and there is no point in her repeating it.
Dementia is not forgetting where your lighter is. Dementia is not knowing what the lighter is used for.
The best way that i have dealt with resentments is to change my thinking of that person. I realize this is a different situation but I was very resentful over my ex bf who was extremely abusive to me. I held onto a lot of hate and anger over what he did (even tho I did charge him and got some justice, I still felt like I held onto so much toxic thoughts and emotions). I had to realize that he was a sick person. People who are well don’t do that to others. Just like the person in ur life is not well (especially since they are in active addiction also). They aren’t well and they act out for whatever reasons they have. It didnt make it right what my ex did, but it helped me to undersand WHY he was like that. Then I prayed for him and I prayed for myself to have my resentment removed. And at 1st I didn’t really mean it. But now I genuinely want the best for him (we don’t talk but I do care about his wellbeing and wanting him to get better). Resentments are deadly for addicts and alcoholics (at least that’s what the 12 steps have taught me). And even today when I get a resentment I pray for them and myself until that resentment is removed. Bcuz ultimately by me holding onto hate and anger, I’m only really hurting myself.
As a fellow DV survivor I understood completely where you were coming from. Odd, we also share the same amount of years in addiction. Even more, butterflies have always been spiritually important to me because they represent transformation which we all under go in recovery. And last, my usual screen name since first making an online account has been Moonchild101. Are we related?
Well, she read my letter, pounded on my door like a cop and proceeded to yell at me. Went out to the Florida room yelling and throwing things. Never acknowledged how she hurt me. I did my part. Letting it go.
To create a little distance between her behavior - what you can’t change - and your feelings - what you can easier change:
There might have been a little worry about dementia from your side, otherwise you would just laugh about it when she mentioned it.
She knows this week point.
You have the official stamp, that there is no dementia at all!
This is a fact.
Next time when she is again talking about dementia go a little step away from her.
The inner distance you could create as followed; discribe her expression, her attitude, her look in your thoughts.
For example “she is relaxed /in tension/ in a good or bad mood. Her face is red/ pale/ good teint. Her dress / hair is clean / dirty / not in order / in order. Her voice is loud / smooth…”, and so on.
You could try this and maybe you can keep a little bit more inner distance to her only because of discription,
Than your feelings won’t probably depend so much anymore on her action. You put it down to neutral words.
If she is toxic or not, this is her thing. This has nothing to do with you.
There is not even a need to show any reaction of her accusation. Just take a coffee, go out, whatever you wanted to do.
My children’s dad used to do things on purpose and say this to me.
Id go around turning lights off then they would be on, things would be moved etc… and i really thought i was going mad things out the fridge !! Im 37 and i was litrally googling signs of early dementia in young adults.
Then i started to notice it was only when he was around and then spotted him doing it. He is not a good person and is a domestic violence abuser.
But he litrally tried to make me think i am going mad and it was working.
I dont have much advice sorry, but i wil say good on you for going and getting checked out jusy incase so you can put your mind at rest, and just try to ignore her comments and sit down and explain hou think she is becoming obsessed with your health and you have had tests and they all are ok.
I would read page 552 of the big book and follow the suggestions. I bring this up because I’ve used it maaany times. It always works and I always hate it when it does
That’s very interesting how their are soo many similarities btwn us. Butterflies are definitely about transformation! I recieved my spirit name Butterflymoon woman from an Elder many years ago and butterflies have a special meaning for me also. I think I actually rememeber ur old username too! I think that’s soo cool! Hope ur day has gotten better!
Headed to bed. Just wanted to thank everyone who got me through this stressful day. Your caring words and yes, sense of humor, helped me redirect my thoughts. Thank you for being here. Just for today I am ok.
In that case I can’t imagine how much trouble she caused. Sorry for that! How about to set a family meeting and to talk about? Just to let everyone know.
That’s my dementia. I get cranky. Dementia! I leave my coffee in the microwave because I get distracted. Dementia!! She even stated she won’t let me babysit because I’ll forget the baby. Like wtf???
I did my part. I’m not responsible for how she accepts it.
.
