I just recently joined after desperately searching google for answers following feelings of guilt and shame and needing advice with how to manage them during my sobriety journey.
I am currently 10 days sober and granted it was way overdue, I am so pleased to have finally taken this decision seriously and make a change.
The problem I’m having is that despite making this change now, I’m feeling incredible guilt and shame and anger over not making this decision sooner and always telling myself that I could manage my alcohol intake and stop myself before I behave in a despicable way and something bad happened again, which was never true and I have since come to learn that the first drink is already too many.
I have now also started to realise how triggered I am by drunk people, including friends and family, and the feelings and memories that being around them bring back. I can often see myself in these people when I was blackout drunk and embarrassing and it makes me cringe so deeply. I also feel anger and hate myself and it feels so intense. I did some awful awful things when I was drunk, I have hurt the people closest to me and turned into an absolute monster which isn’t me when I’m sober, but it’s hard for those who have seen and experienced me that way to separate the real me from the version I was when I drank and that’s what hurts me the most. Drinking took me so far from my own morals and values and I realise that now but at the time all I could focus on was the ‘good’ feelings I got from it before it all went wrong when I couldn’t stop.
I know that I’m doing the right thing now and the regret and shame will help me to continue on this journey and strive to continuously be a better person, but the pain and regret I feel are so strong that I don’t know how I’m going to live with these feelings forever.
Has anyone else felt this way? Especially when being around drunk people now that you’re sober and being reminded of the worst parts of yourself when you drank too… any advice is so greatly appreciated
Absolutely. I felt that way deeply for a long time. But in the end, it is a lesson, not a life sentence, unless we let it be. Learn from it how you want to be and act. As time passes of you living a different life and being a different person, you will feel like you have moved on. For me, those moments that triggered shame continue to happen (seeing a photo in which I was hungover as hell, someone mentioning a dumb thing I did) happen less and less as time goes on.
Hey there! I am one week sober now.
The answer is: yes!!
I also made such bad decisions while drunk. I was such an idiot towards people i love, i embarassed myself in ways i dont even want to describe!
I cringe a couple of times a day over things said and done YEARS ago!
It makes no sense living in the past, it will not change anyway. Even if you cry, hate yourself, thinking about the same scenarios every day…IT WILL NOT CHANGE!
The best you can do is to be happy you finally help yourself and never ever let this monster out again. You are a lovable person and drunk you is not what defines you. I am sure you made a lot of good actions in your life, and mistakes like everybody.
Make a better tomorrow . Lots of energy for you!
Welcome to the community Steph! A huge congratulations on your double digits . This is a huge milestone.
The early days are hard in so many ways. The body is detoxing, we are changing up routines and behaviors and also learning to deal with life in life’s terms.
What you are experiencing is completely normal. Don’t let that guilt and shame fester. You are 10 days sober. You are making the difference. We can’t go back to change anything so be proud that you have taken the stance to become sober now.
I personally stayed awake from clubs, bars as I did not want to be in that atmosphere in my early days. I did not trust that I would be ok. Drunk people are a huge trigger …their actions, their speech and the smell of alcohol that they are drenched in. I couldn’t even talk to drunk friends on the phone as it made me envision what I must have sounded like.
You are not alone. This is a safe wonderful space to meet members dealing with similar journeys. It is ok to limit your socializing time with family and friends who are drinking. You can do other activities with them or wait till you have stronger sober legs. Your journey is most important. You keep stacking up the sober days and kicking addictions ass
Absolutely I felt that way, deeply ashamed and horrified with what I did and how others put up with me for decades. But as Misokatsu wisely states, it is a learning experience, not a life sentence. One of the healing gifts of sobriety for me has been to extend compassion and empathy to not only others, but to myself. It took me awhile to find that in sobriety, a long while, but it has been true gift.
In early days I kept a list always close at hand on my phone of all that horrible stuff and how I felt and what I wanted and didn’t want for myself. When I felt that maybe ‘just one drink’ was something I ‘needed’ to get me thru, I read and re read that list and reminded myself of all that shame, guilt and bad decisions. That is what drink offers us. Use those feelings toward your sobriety, to strengthen you. And eventually you will come to a place where you can forgive yourself for treating your self and others as you did. Self love, self esteem…it is there, waiting for you.
Hard feelings for you right now @Kalibean and I am sorry. I hope it helps you to know that as you sit with your emotions and feel them and process them it gets better. When we no longer numb out we begin “the work”. Your brain chemistry will improve over time and you will be able to handle these emotions so much better. You have to get sober for YOU, but that will bleed into benefitting everyone you care about as well. Stay strong it gets SO much better.
I can’t wait to have more sober days behind me as I feel that each day takes me further away from that person I don’t recognise. Thank you for your response and I’m glad to hear you are managing those feelings well
Congratulations on your week that’s amazing!!
You are so right, no amount of cringing or beating ourselves up will change what has happened and so we can only use it as fuel to keep us moving forwards. It really helps knowing I am not alone in this and so I appreciate you responding and sharing your support - thank you
The thing that triggered this post was last night my sister phoned me drunk and upset and it just really set me back mentally, remembering how I was when ive been drunk and how other people had to put up with me like that. I asked her this morning when she was sober to not phone me unless it was an emergency as im struggling to manage my feelings towards it all without being involved in other people drunken mishaps - she isn’t really talking to me now for saying this but I feel it was needed for me to set that boundary. Everything feels so hard at the moment but I can’t explain how relieving it feels to know that there are others in the same boat and that these feelings will eventually pass.
Good luck your journey as well and will definitely see you around! I am enjoying the community aspect of this platform a lot
First of all, congratulations on 10 days and Welcome None of us have a proud alcoholic/drug addicted past. Guilt, shame and remorse are very common feelings that can last for years. I recommend the 12 Steps of recovery offered through the AA program. “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path” You have so eloquently described what all of us have experienced. Keep us posted on your progress please. Stay sober and strong!!
Im sorry you’re dealing with difficult feelings too and I really appreciate you sharing that with me.
You are right though we can choose to view it as a gift! There are many people who haven’t had the realisations or awareness to make the right steps that we are and we can only be proud of ourselves for that. We just have to keep reminding ourselves of that when the shame creeps in
Thank you for your support
I am determined to persevere and work through these hard feelings. I feel that by making the decision to go sober im no longer ignoring the problematic relationship I have with alcohol or convincing myself ‘it’s not that bad’ and so these feelings are at the forefront and very raw. You’re right though that they will get easier and I am looking forward to experiencing that.
Thank you so much! I have actually been looking into joing an AA group to help with having some more accountability and so I think this is the push I need
I am glad that you were able to talk to your sister and set some boundaries. I am sorry for her reaction. I remember having a similar reaction to similar boundaries set in me when I was in addiction. I was deep in denial too.
You stood your ground and are looking out for your mental health and sobriety. You should be proud. Your sister will hopefully realize this and come around. If not, that is her journey which we can’t control. You can lead by example…live your best sober life
Im sorry to hear that from yours perspective at the time ):
I did feel bad saying it but I know that I’d struggle with it if it keeps happening and it does happen a lot with her and I am glad that she wants to talk to me but right now in my journey it just isn’t helpful for me. It feels good taking some ownership of that though and looking after myself which I guess is what we’re all doing here! I hope she does come around but focusing on what I can control is all I can do right now
. This is a huge milestone.
