Struggling with Step 4

Hi all,

Week clean and just started working on my step 4 as suggested in the big book of AA.

Finding it extremely difficult though! I’m having nightmares about it. It seems more and more resentments and harms I have caused reveal themselves each day, feel completely embarrassed and ashamed at the shit I have done in the past, some of it I can’t even attribute to being under the influence!

At the same time I am absolutely desperate to get this right and do a thorough step 4 and 5 with faith in God to get me through. Though it is rough! Big fears of being judged by my sponsor, arrested, ostracised…all that.

Any words of wisdom and/or comfort?

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Hey Gordon, great to see you here. Congratulations on your first week being sober!

May I ask what step four is referring to and why you are afraid of it? Haven’t really tried AA because I found better ways to cope with my drinking.
I totally get the feeling about many resentments and harms being discovered after starting this journey, but that’s completely normal. A sober mind thinks differently about the things the drunken mind does. The embarrassment and shame are, sadly, a part of this too.

All the best wishes for you, you can get through this!

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Hey Gordon,
Welcome to Talking Sober, and well done on your first week. I’m going to question the usefulness of tackling Step Four so soon. It will stir up all those fears and other emotions that you are probably not yet ready to tackle. Now, there are many ways to implement the steps, and obviously I know nothing of your situation, so take that into consideration.

When I sponsor men, I have them do really simple things the first month - calling me daily, attending a meeting daily, reading a specific passage from our literature daily. This allows them to settle in with me and with the program. Step Four deserves a considered approach and is not to be rushed.

Everyone who has done a fourth step has had the same experiences as you - more is revealed, it’s embarrassing and shameful sometimes, and criminal and immoral conduct is exposed. Also, everyone who has listened to a fifth step has undoubtedly let the sponsee know that they too have done such things. I know I have, in fact I had blocked out the memory of a felony against a person for about 3 years into sobriety, well after my first fourth and fifth had been completed and I was sponsoring others.

Slow down, get used to the idea that everything is going to be alright. And it is humbling but true - what we want and the way we want it can be very detrimental to our long term sobriety.

Blessings :pray: on your house.

@Moe_L , you can read about the steps of the AA program firsthand at The Big Book | Alcoholics Anonymous.

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When i take my guys through the program i sit with them and explain the steps and i go through with them and i always say if you have any problems speak to me . use your sponsor Like Dan says its not a race and there is guys on here who sponsor in AA they will tell you that fear plays a big part in this step im sure you be ok wish you well

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Thank you for all the feedback.

So I took two weeks to complete my step 4 and list all my resentments, fears, and harmful conduct (including sex), and my part in each. It was difficult to admit to a lot of it, then to go through my step 5 and share it with another human being and God. But you know what? I done it. My sponsor spent seven hours with me at the weekend and I shared it all.

What a release! Since then I have felt at greater ease, best I have ever felt perhaps. The obsession to use has lifted too, not even bothered by it. Steps 4 and 5 really are quite magical steps, so freeing.

We also went through steps 6 and 7, which I now practice daily

I am now on step 8 and writing my list of amends, which most are coming from my step 4. So not so arduous, just quite a bit of writing.

Just wanted to give an update, and for anyone else perhaps carrying some fear over completing these vital steps in 4 and 5; it is going to be ok. Just be honest and thorough and have the faith, trust and courage that it is going to be ok no matter what.

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Well said.

@SinceIAwoke @Ray_M_C_Laren Great stuff friends. I have to say finding a conscientious wise sponsor is so very valuable. I feel you both are. I am so fortunate to have a sponsor with 43 years sober and has sponsored 100s. I feel they have learned so much to provide the best education on the steps. As being sober One Day At A Time is important I believe the Steps are 1 Step At A Time with no expectation of completion according to length of time.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experience.

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