Ive been a member of AA and “trying” to get sober for well over a year. With a couple weeks or a month or so, then relapse. Im 2 months into a 3 year ban for drunk driving. Its my 2nd ban in 5 years. I live rurally and stuggle to do any in person meetings due to there not being any commutable meetings near me since my ban. Which means i can only do online meetings, Which has coincided with me slipping. In the last 2 months since the ban the frequency of my drinking has increased. Usually 1 slip a week. It does feel like ive been white knuckling a tad. But im assessing my situation, and trying to sort things out. My latest slip was saturday, a black out oblivion session, as has become the norm. But im trying to sort things once and for all now. Ive reached out to my sponsor and been honest. Ive done 4 meetings and shared 4 times, whilst listening to others. Ive asked my higher power for forgiveness and the strength to do this. Ive been journalling. Gratitude lists. Assessing what i did to move goal posts each time i slip and assessed why it was lies. Reached out to fellow alkies. Which is more than what ive been doing. I also acknowledge i have alot of truama. From an alcoholic father and childhood, to a traumatic birth of my son and aftermath, divorce, being in the mans world of the navy as a 17 year old, as well as others and i know AA alone cant help or solve that, so ive registered with the NHS (im in Britain) for counselling to try and address these issues. Day to day im very unhappy and live with alot of regret and guilt. Think ive just been in the bottom of a pit and rather than try to climb out, ive just stayed still and wallowed. Im exhausted by it all. I just want to be happy and sober again. Like the lad i was at 16. Im 33 now. Anyway im dragging myself through a night shift at work. Take care all.
Hi there. I think it’s great you came here and shared where you are at right now. What do you usually do before you pick up?
You are already doing a lot of things right from what I can tell. 
But you need to make them work for you when the pressure to drink is rising. Come here, share and vent away, post some memes or read around. Whatever helps you to not pick up. Hope your night shift is smooth
@Doublelifelad It’s really cool that after all the difficulty you’ve had in your life, you keep trying. Each failure is getting your closer to long-term sobriety. Learn from each mistake and move on, you can do this - it sounds like you already are doing this, mostly, except for a few occasional road bumps. Look at how much more time you’re spending sober than you are spending drunk. That’s real progress.
Hang in there, find out what is tripping you up, fix it, and I bet around the corner is long term recovery for you. Look at how close you are!
Work those steps my friend and you don’t need luck but good luck anyway.
Hey!! I am in the UK too, I used to be there, though, changing my language I used helped me a lot, maybe this might be a direction you can look at… i refer it to errr say, having better days in between some slips, this helped me relax and not have a "struggle£ mentality, which in return nurtured faith and hope. When I used the words like struggle, etc it felt like something that one has to achieve or climb etc. No, it is just gently going back to a natural state of being and that one keeps moving towards it from time to time. So I reframed it, rather than bleak and dark and heavy to, easy, lighter, brighter. This really helped me combat the doom feeling and shame and guilt and sheer frustration I felt with myself.
Though sorry, i am just sharing a perspective, this is not an advice and that is not really healthy for me to jump and say, I know better…
I can relate to the events and consequences of drinking that you are experiencing. Two thoughts come to mind.
The good news for me was that I was able to find meetings in the middle of my 9-5 work day during the 3 years I was not driving, actually complying with my license suspension. Perhaps you can find an early morning in person meeting you can attend after your night shift, to get the in-person experience you need.
The bad news for me is that during the 18 years I was in and out of AA and wearing a rut in the road from sobriety to drinking and back, I never truly relapsed. What I was doing in AA was hiding out, laying low, and desperately hoping that some good juju would somehow stick to me and magically keep me sober. I would return to drinking when the work got too hard, or the probation was over, or the wife was treating me better.
There are significant dangers with the justification that “slipping” is harm reduction and the deeply mistaken notion that relapse is part of recovery. First, any particular binge can be the one that kills someone, perhaps ourselves. Second, normalizing drinking is 100% antithetical to the pursuit of sobriety. And that is because the mindset of a drinker, whether exposed to AA or not, requires fundamental change to become the mindset of sobriety. You’ve been to AA, so re-read Appendix II in the Big Book - the personality change sufficient to overcome alcoholism cannot occur in a person who is continuing to return to drinking, returning to the attitude that no personality change is needed.
The harsh question I was asked in earlier times was “Are you done yet?”. And there were those years when I could not affirm that I was. But once I was done, once I was desperate enough to do what I was told to do without “Yes, but” coming out of my mouth, the people in AA and the program of action were there to help me. I surrendered to sobriety and that has made all the difference.
Blessings 
on your house today.
Hi, Ive slipped so many times I’ve lost count. I started posting on here 2 years ago but it took me until February this year to finally get to grips with being sober. I’m 101 days today and it’s honestly the best thing ever. I’ve also got a lot of trauma in my past so I understand how it affects us. Sorry, I’m not very good at words of wisdom! I basically wanted to say keep going, you CAN do it (I’m living proof!) good luck 
xx
I don’t tell anyone I’ll never drink again… I’ve disappointed myself and others too many times. I do put my trust in a higher power to get me through the day and I’m grateful when I’m successful. I had to break my recovery down to achievable, realistic goals and get into a routine. I’m no longer doom forecasting and living with reservations. I’ll never be truly free, but I am capable of receiving a 24 hour reprieve contingent upon my spiritual condition. The TS community helps make that possible one day at a time. Thank you all !!! 
Do what it takes to go to bed sober tonight! You can do one day! Then wake up hangover free and commit to going to bed sober on that day, no matter what! It is not easy everyday but it can be done. Can you commit to stay sober today??
Instead of picking up take a walk, have a hot chocolate, a piece of cake, take a shower, go to a meeting, come here, color, watch a movie or go to bed. Anything but picking up that first drink the craving will pass. You got this!!!
Heu @Doublelifelad
I’m so sorry this cycle has been unkind to you. While i identify as an alchoholic, drinking has been a coping strategy for me in a difficult life, masking my own trauma and mental health struggles. I can relate a bit to your journey. I think it’s really admirable that you’re doing online meetings and pushing to be and feel better, which you deserve. I hope you’re doing okay.