I feel so stuck. I only drink once a week. Every week i convince myself i wont go over the top…because then i start to want cocaine. Every week i do go over the top and end up taking cocaine. I feel like scum. Im a anxious guilt ridden mess for a week and the same cycle starts again. I want to be able to socialise with some drinks but no drugs i hate it. I feel like they come hand in hand and i dont know how to get out apart from cutting myself off altogether which i dont want to have to do forever for example im a bridesmaid coming up hen doos etc i just want to be in control and be able to say no. I find myself pathetic that i cant just have a few social drinks withoit craving cociane. I dont know what to do anymore.
15 Likes
Welcome to TS, @soulgem . Glad you are here. There is a lot to digest here, so have a read around and find what resonates for you. You are not alone, that’s for sure! I think it is wise of you to see you have a problem and want to do something about it. That’s a start. Don’t worry about the forever part. Just focus on one day at a time.
8 Likes
If you want to end the cycle you gotta try something new. This is a great place to start. Welcome 
6 Likes
Sound’s like something in your life has to give and if you really want to make a change you have to really want too. It sounds to me like you want to be able to modarate your drug and alcohol intake because when you go over the top you don’t know how to stop. If you want to break the cycle id suggest cutting both from your life and seeing how much better your life becomes. You can go to social events and not drink or take drugs.
2 Likes
Welcome to TS! You are not alone. Many similar stories on here. If you really want to change this, no you need to change something. Either keep yourself away from the company of your drinking mates or you have to as others here on TS would say"Say no to the drink that matters, say no to the first drink and there will be no second, third, fourhh…and no cocaine."
4 Likes
Yeah i only drink in the one setting. So im going to not go there. I would like to think i could go back and socialise in future and have the self control to say limit the amount i drink so i dont fall into the trap of cocaine. Maybe a break in cycle/habit will help?
I’m gonna get right to it:
You have an addiction. You live with an addiction. You live with an addiction, the same way I live with diabetes.
You cannot drink alcohol, at all, ever, for the rest of your life. There it is. Simple. (This is not a bad thing and you will live a happier life without it, I promise.)
You wouldn’t be asking any of these questions if you weren’t living with an addiction. People who don’t have an addiction, don’t worry about self control. They don’t spend their time preoccupied with “what ifs” related to alcohol, or cocaine, or porn, or whatever. They don’t worry about it, because they don’t have an addiction. (This is hard for us to understand because we have lived with our addiction for our entire adult lives, and usually most of our teenage years too. We’ve never not had it, so we don’t understand how other people can not have it.)
Personally I think of my addiction like an allergy. I can’t take any addiction stuff - I can’t do anything related to my addiction - because it always produces an allergic reaction. (It’s just like being allergic to peanuts. If you’re allergic to peanuts, you avoid peanuts, and life goes on as normal.)
I also think of my addiction kind of like diabetes. I actually do have Type 1 diabetes, which means I take insulin. I can’t not take insulin. It is a fact that if I don’t take insulin, I will eventually die from elevated blood sugar. I don’t spend my time worrying about it or wishing I didn’t have diabetes. I just accept it. I live with it, I do the self-care I need to do to take care of myself and live the way I need to live with my diabetes, and life moves on.
Your addiction is creating all of these problems for you. You have power to ask for help and to learn and change, one day at a time. You have started here on Talking Sober. Good for you!
Welcome to Talking Sober. You belong. You’re a good person and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full, healthy self.
2 Likes
@soulgem persevere here and don’t give up. You will find a way out eventually with the help of others
1 Like
Really isnt much any of us can say. I get it, cocaine ruined my life. Had almost two years of sobriety, started getting my life back together. I slipped and decided eh ill try and just have some drinks and stay away from the drugs. Well it didnt happen, i eventually burried myself in a whole again. Went to rehab and then a half way house where i started cheeking my medication “welbutrin” and sniffing it like cocaine. Shit sucked but at the time did the trick i suppose and i hid it well and idk managed life a little, couple times i got to visit my hometown and id sneek cocaine. Finally moved out of the half way house and into a sober living style complex and was attending college. Took out some loans and got grants and idk silly me just didnt care i guess, blew like 5 grand on cocaine and crack, drinking. All that idk i just remember coming home my friends house feeling like completely shit a few times thinking i was going to die. Getting so drunk and doing line after line and somehow still waking up the next day not even remember falling asleep. I mean thats all its gonna take is one time to think were not over doing it, i know my dealers i know they wouldnt fuck me over like that blah blah. Well yah never know, it could be the one time we dont wake up. And idk about you, but im afraid of death, i know the one way i dont want to die is knowing im over dosing and not being able to do anything about it. Just our eyes closing thinking of what could of been or the people will never see again. I mean that could happen sober to, but atleast if i die while sober hopefully it will be in a way i can say goodbye and love you to everyone. Rather than having a heart attack or fading away… sorry for this rant. I do relate, but i promise youll see you can socialize without the alcohol or drugs and life really still is fun
4 Likes
Brother, i know exactly how you feel. Im the one that i cant have drinks without the other. Im currently 48 hours sober. And have relapsed a few times. But it gets to a point where it no longer becomes fun. For me, if i want to stop the coke, i cant have a drink. It didnt help losing my mom over a year trying to combat this. Relapse again. My advice which i should take my own is go to a meeting, start to surround yourself with sober people. Call somebody you can talk to about it. Stay strong brother