I came here first because its easier for me to talk through this forum.
Im going through the steps with my sponsor and step 4 took me a few days. Step 5 was easy for me to share with him. But I have been sitting on step 8 for a few days. Im having a hard time writing down names. I have them in my head and a pen and notebook in front of me but I can’t bring myself to start writing. I don’t know if I just don’t know where to s start or if I’m scared. I know some will be harder than others to make amends with. I guess what I’m saying is, do I write down who has hurt me as well as who I have hurt? Because those will be the hardest for me. Any advice will help.
Wow! You made it through a step 4 in a few days? And you’ve only been stuck on step 8 for a few days as well? My step 4 took me a couple of months.
It’s good that you are really trying to get through the steps, but I think the slogan, “Easy does it,” applies here. The 12 steps are not a race.
And after step 8 comes step 9. And I was taught that I shouldn’t jump into that one until I master the previous steps. And I should have significant sobriety (like a year) before entering step 9. If I was still in my first months of recovery, all of my sponsors would have recommended me to revisit some of the previous steps before steps 8 and 9.
@KevinesKay Waiting for a year to do the steps? I’ve never heard that…that’s when the miracles start happening. I did all the steps in 3 months because I took it seriously and didn’t want to drag my feet. All in our own time? Back in the day when AA was started, no one put off doing the steps because it was life or death.
In Step 8 of Alcoholics Anonymous, you identify the wrongs of your past so that you can repair the damage you’ve done. Then, you devise a plan for creating healthy relationships moving forward.
Read pg 76 in BB and read about steps 8 and 9 Into Action
Refer to step 8 in the 12 &12 for more information
Talk with your sponsor that works from the book, not their opinion
I have made it to step 8 last time I was sober and working steps. It was at that time I became complacent. Im not trying to rush, I think I’m going at a decent pace. If I go to slow I will lose track and not want to do it. A year seems a bit long to me as well. And some of my amends will be lifelong ones.
The high percentage of people relapsing in AA comes from not working all the steps in a fluid manner. They stop and don’t finish or drag their feet. Pushing forward gets results.
The 2nd reason…complacency.
Some amends can’t be done because people passed away or we no longer have contact with them…this is called a living amends. Living sober, helping others, doing the next right thing. That being said, we make our list and start putting in the effort to apology without the “yeah buts”. It can be uncomfortable but also freeing. We are sweeping away the reckage of our past so we can live in and move forward on a clean slate.
Forgiveness for ourselves and others that have harmed us comes from inner spiritual work
My husband (who is one hell of a great sponsor) breaks down the steps so they can easily be absorbed…
Steps 1 through 3 are thought
Steps 4 through 9 are action
Steps 10, 11, and 12 are maintenance from here on out
Step 10 is like steps 4 and 5 together
Step 11 is like steps 6 and 7 together
Step 12 is the spiritual awakening as a result of working these steps, to carry the message and practice these principles in ALL of our affairs.
I think that is my thought. Some of the times I drank it was because of how I reacted to someone else. It isn’t right but it is what it is. So I kind of think that some amends are owed to me too. Unfortunately a big one is my mother…and she’s gone thanks to alcohol. Ugh, it’s all so complicated.
Still I don’t think I’m completely innocent either. I did do things like choose drink over playing with my kids…I drove intoxicated with my kids in the car (not hammered, but clearly over the limit)…I think I have a lot of amends to make with them. But I also don’t think I can sit them down and talk to them about it…they are too young for it. They know mommy is working on no longer drinking and I’m making sure that I am present for them from now on. I guess that is making amends…right?
I asked my sponsor about how I would make amends to my daughter, she is only 2 and a half. What he said was that will be a living amends. Just by not going back to the way I lived and not putting her in harms way again.
Hi everyone. I can completely understand people wanting to get through this process as quickly as possible. It’s alright. It’s probably a good thing.
I still want to bring up my experience. In my first year of SAA in1994, I plugged away at the steps with eagerness. I wanted to get it done and over with so I could reap the benefits. Who wouldn’t?
I worked hard. Got to step 9 at around six months into the program and I relapsed. Big time. Now, I’m not saying that rushing through the steps is going to give anyone a relapse. But in my experience, completing the steps quickly was not the key. That miracle did not happen.
So when returned to recovery in 2004, I focused on the quality of my step work, not the speed. And as I embraced the process instead of the end result, that’s when miracles started to happen for me. I guess getting there was half the fun. And I was having fun with it.
I see where you are coming from but you relapsed before you finished the steps. I completely agree that it’s about the quality of your work in the steps but I don’t see why some people take so long doing their 4th step, for example. I used to sponsor when I first got sober in 2005 (I had 6 years and relapsed; that’s another story) Sponsees would make excuses to get things done because it was uncomfortable and they were used to being lazy (old habits) I’d push them to do quality at a consistent pace because that’s what they needed. (obviously it’s not like that across the board) There is no set time limit or “waiting” to do the steps. Some have more baggage and healing than others.
Also, from someone doing these dang steps for the first time, this entire thread is really helpful. So thank you @Melrm
I’m only on step 4, but I blame my sponsor. I finished step 3 in less than a week and I’ve just been waiting because her time is limited. IMO she has too many sponsees…I’m not ready to jump ship just yet though. I’m like you, I get this shiz done fast - I don’t think she’s used to that.
No, he’s not my sponsor. But we do a lot of service work and 3 people meetings at our office together. My sponsor is an ex prostitute with 17 years sobriety.
