Today, 11/14/2025 earlier today my 43 year old brother died in a motorcycle crash. My sister in law called me a few hours after it happened to let me know. They are estranged from the rest of the family. Right now I’m in “manage chaos” mode and will greave at some point in the future. I have an unshakable faith in God who has got me this far and won’t leave me know. Life’s so fragile, never hold back your love, we’re not promised tomorrow. Sobriety has been a struggle lately, this last week I found myself flirting with it (I struggle with porn) looking on the web for a “happy accident” before I finally caved. Right now, today, I’m sober and grateful to be so. It’s hard to imagine my brother is gone. He survived war in Iraq and battled his own demons that I can’t imagine. He was a 6’7” door of a man, willing to drop his life at the drop of a hat to help someone in need. He died returning from taking a lady whose husband is currently deployed to the car shop. The world needs more people like my brother. Nathaniel James Ryan, I pray you have found peace in the arms of our Heavenly Father and know I miss you!
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I am so sorry for you loss 
Your brother sounds like a genuinely good person. Make sure you lean on the people who are good for you right now and stay clear of the things that have hurt you in the past. Giving in to addiction will only make things worse. This place is available 24/7 as well. Sending you strength 
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I am so sorry for your loss. Breathe thru the pain and dealing with the complex emotions. Glad you came here to speak your truth