Hi all, I’m new to even admitting to being an addict. This past year I’ve hit my rock bottom. I’ve been arrested for dui and had to spend 5 days in jail, got divorced, lost custody, my job car and house. Since the summer I’ve been trying really hard to stay away from speed, I’ve only managed to last 45 days, then relapsed.I noticed during the 45 days I want to do anything to be high, I always trade one for a other. I picked drinking back up, black out drinking is all I aim for. I realize I have been chasing a high for over 10 years now. All my friends are struggling to, except they don’t like the idea of me being sober. They constantly say “oh yeah, I’ve heard that before” accompanied with an eye roll. When i say im done.
My question is how can I manage to want to stay away from my drug of choice and stop substituting it for whatever else. I’ve managed to get my custody back, a job and a place to live. I just don’t want to feel like I’m struggling everyday. Any and all advice is welcome…thank you! As of today I am 7 days clean…
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Hello, welcome to the forum! 
First off, congratulations on your week sober! That’s awesome!
For me staying sober means actively dealing with the root of why I was drinking. Growing. What drinking did was just mask the symptoms but it stopped me from dealing with my life and emotions
Have you find your reason why you wanted to get high?
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Thank you very much! Honestly, I’ve never really stoppes to ask myself why am I getting high. I am a product of divorce, many members in my family are addicts or alcoholics, I have constantly been seeking my dads approval, I have only lived in my current state for 7ish years. I have general anxiety disorder, my husband was my only friend and family but when i got strung out he ditched me and didn’t once try to help or ask of I was okay. I have multiple issues I feel I could pin it on but, they all feel like a cop out. I have always liked the idea of not giving a shit and getting high. Maybe i don’t love myself? I’m sure there’s an underlying isssue I just can’t figure it out. I’ve not joined any programs or meetings. This is the first time I’ve tried to reach out to someone for help. I feel like I am at an all time low and need some support to keep myself out of the gutter. As I type this the urge to use is surprisingly decreasing. I know I need to surround myself with positive people…I’ve just not found them. I tend to keep to myself alot more now even when I relapse. I am ashamed and hate being around people I once partied with. I’ve became someone I don’t like. Ughhh just ranting at this point.
I think the first thing you need to do is look at who your friends really are? Why do you call them friends? Is there really any real love there, or isn’t more about you have the common addiction that connects you?
As for looking for approval from others always ends in failure. Your never going to replace all the years you lost, and in my case; I used it as a reason for my self destruction. Woe is me, let’s get smashed to forget about all my hurt. I was so misguided with that line of thinking. You only need approval from yourself!
The key is building that self-esteem back up. Create achievable goals, and once you complete those goals make those goals a little bigger.
I know I didn’t answer all your questions, maybe none of them… Don’t reflect on the past. Focus on the present! Once the present is maintained, just think about how you can make your future better.
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Thank you for the advice and reply. I think I always attract terrible people because of my self hate. I’ve basically considered my friend to be a “friend” because i have always tried to be there for her, she lost her mom while visiting with me and i took her in, practically raised her even though she was a year older than me. We always got high together but she was always more into it than me. I never thought we would both be addicted to crank. It’s just crazy how life has changed. She’s still chasing it and has yet to ever offer me any help just drugs. I do want positive people around. I think I am struggling with the guilt of leaving “friends” behind. I know I can’t drag myself down to make others happy! Soberity is hard! I plan on beating this damn addiction!
I know the feelings… I had two younger bros pass away from addiction. I had enough motivation to leave my childhood and neighbourhood behind, after they passed I blamed myself for years. I turned to addiction, the same thing I worked so hard to escape in the first place. Try and find peace within yourself.
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