My partner has a life long history of watching porn and looking at erotic images as a way of disconnecting emotions and for a dopamine hit. He also has a history of using alcohol to numb too. He goes through stages of none, and then lots, with both. He has never had a happy relationship before me (we’re in our 50s) and he has never been able to be open with a partner before. He has stopped drinking, for now, with no pressure from me, because he saw a progression of behaviour towards potential problems. Years ago he used to use drugs too, and I told myself he needs something, so of the three, porn is the least intrusive. He goes through maybe a month of watching it every day, to maybe a month of none at all. Recently I discovered that he had saved pictures of women he actually knows in short skirts etc. This upset me because he has always said porn isn’t real people, which I understood.
We had a long talk after I found the picture on his phone, and after I asked him how he would feel if I was looking at pictures of men like that, he realised how hurtful it was. He has since not looked at any pictures or porn, and has talked about how he thinks his habit was preventing closeness between us. Now, call me naive, but when he told me he watches porn a couple of years ago when we first got together, after I saw it on his phone (not snooping, just caught sight over when he was showing me something) he said he likes the feeling of being turned on and just watches it at work without doing anything about it. I believed him. Now, after this last thing, he’s told me that he has always ‘has to do something about it’ straight away when he’s feeling horny or he can’t concentrate all day. That has hurt me far more than his watching porn did, because it’s not like he was pestering me for sex constantly and I was refusing him. We have always been pretty evenly matched there, if anything I want it more than him, but perhaps now I know more, that is because of hus addiction.
He has also gone off sex with me since before I found out about the pictures, despite assuring me that he finds me attractive and desires me etc. His actions and words back this up, and yet he hasn’t initiated intimacy for a month or more. We cuddle, but that’s it. I have initiated it a few times and he has enjoyed it, but after last time he told me he wanted to go into the bathroom with some porn syraight afterwards. He didn’t, but I’m left thinking he’s not getting satisfaction.
I know logically it’s not about me, I know all about the dopamine and all of that, but I still feel not enough.
Could it be that having taken down his walls and allowed himself to feel love, he struggles to view me as a sexual female? He has always disassociated from sex and viewed it as a performance rather than an act of love. Or is it just that he doesn’t get turned on as much by me as he does by porn?
I suppose what I would like to know is… does the dopamine addiction from porn wear off after a while if you stop watching it? Does intimacy with a real person become enough again? Or will he always be craving something more?
If you’ve managed to read all of this, thank you!
These are all important and illuminating questions.
Hi, I’m Matt, male, married 17 years, in recovery from lust. I call my addiction an addiction to lust because it’s broader than porn or masturbation or images or even sexual cheating in real life. The lust, the distorted, dysfunctional objectification of people and emotions, is at the heart of all that.
I can only speak for myself. I’m not able to unfold your partner’s mental and physical problems here though I would not be surprised if there are some parallels.
It took me a good amount of work in sex addiction recovery before I started to see clearly at an emotional and cognitive level, what was happening. It was a number of years of attendance in groups before I really began to see a change in mindset and thoughts and behaviours. For some people it’s faster, for some, slower; that was just my experience.
The change started actually happening for me when I started doing daily voicemail check-ins with my sponsor and when I started doing regular work taking emotional and lust inventories, and sharing them with my sponsor and, where appropriate, with the group. That healthy disclosure in a safe space, guided by an experienced person who had himself recovered from sex addiction - all that was necessary for me.
Another thing that is necessary for me is to be of service. I do acts of service by doing daily sobriety renewal calls with a member of my recovery group, and by staying active here on Talking Sober, to share about sex addiction / lust addiction recovery.
In my case I used the Sexaholics Anonymous program to recover. There is a monthly magazine published by SA, with articles by its members, which you may find interesting reading. At the site, you can read this month’s issue, and in the menu you can search the archives under the “Archive” option:
It took me almost 30 years to realize I couldn’t do this alone. It doesn’t have to take that long though.
You are not alone. There is a program for partners of sex and lust addicts, available here:
Welcome to Talking Sober! 
Thank you for your reply Matt. I will certainly check out those links. One thing I can guarantee, is that my partner would never agree to getting outside help for any issues, but we are working through everything together and I am able to see things without bias.
I know my partner very well, and I know he sees the bigger picture. I guess my question was more general… are ex-addicts eventually be satisfied with just their partner? Or will he always be needing that dopamine hit from something else? On a brain chemistry level.
Those are fair questions 
Again I’ll have to say that I can only speak for myself; the journey from addiction to recovery has some patterns between people but everyone walks the recovery path in their own way, with their own histories and quirks.
I’m a highly analytical thinker by nature so my first question would be, what does it mean to be satisfied? Measurably, quantifiably: what behaviours would he exhibit (and not exhibit) if he were satisfied? Because the answer to that question would be necessary before the question of being satisfied with one’s partner can be answered.
Also the phrasing is interesting: “satisfied with just their partner”. One of the freedoms I’ve found from working my SA program is that my partner is not something I ever have to “settle” for, or “just be with her”. (That probably wasn’t your meaning but it’s interesting how these patterns of words appear in our language.) I commit to her exclusively and joyfully, and with mutual intimacy and care and satisfaction, because it’s the right thing to do physically, visually, mentally, and emotionally. I disclose all my glances and wandering thoughts every day to my sponsor and, where appropriate, to my SA recovery group. The mental obsession, the emotional fixation, the wandering mind - that aspect of my addiction is a huge factor, bigger than any of the physical behaviours or porn-viewing were, and in my recovery journey with my sponsor’s guidance, I am learning to recognize those unhealthy mental and visual wanderings before they become a major problem; then I am able to disclose them and release them, and move on with my journey with my life and my wife, grateful and loving.
The dopamine question is a red herring (a distraction), I think. Dopamine is also involved in eating breakfast. Every human has dopamine as part of their system. That’s how we motivate ourselves. The problem isn’t the dopamine, it’s the dysfunctional habits and behaviours we’ve cultivated over decades, and tied to our addiction behaviours. The word “dopamine” gets thrown around a lot in the “PMO” / masturbation / porn recovery online community, but the thing is there’s no way to measure that without sophisticated instruments. My daily accountability behaviours, on the other hand - my daily calls, my meeting attendance, my honest, complete disclosure of thoughts and glances - those are measurable.
I like to talk about things I can measure. Dopamine is an interesting discussion. It’s also not something I can measure in my daily life.
Over the months I’ve been sober I’ve found that sex with my wife is better than it has ever been. It was more than three months with my sponsor before I achieved that but it has happened.
My glances around, my wandering eye, my fantasizing mind, has also gradually decreased in power and frequency. It is still early days but if the other men in my group are any indication, with time it will be even less of a problem than it is today.
The more important thing is my life and my honesty and peace. That is something I carry with me now every day, and I never had that while I was in my addiction. I am free now.
I know I haven’t literally answered your question; it’s not that I’m avoiding it, it’s just that I really don’t think that way in terms of finding my freedom. My experience of finding freedom has focused on different things.
It is possible. I have been to many meetings and have met hundreds of people in long-term recovery from lust addiction. I promise you it is possible with effort and guidance from knowledgeable people.
Thank you so much for this Matt. You say you havent directly answered my question, but you have, you really have 
That it is possible to one day get those feelings back that you describe is all I want for him to be able to experience. It’s impossible to write down or even explain the depth of our love for each other, or even the amount of work we’ve both put into our relationship, having come from two very baggage-filled pasts, and yes, I know there is far more to it than just the dopamine, but your generous replies give me hope. Thank you.