Well I relapsed. Not only that I went on a binge. A bad one that included a substance I don’t even use normally because I was so blacked out. The substance was only one night, the binge was this whole last week with drinking.
I physically can’t do it anymore. Not only do I get sick from drinking, I’m now being forced to stop marijuana use because I experienced cannaboid hypermesis last night. Literally the worst pain I have EVER experienced. I thought my hangover was bad recently, this was next level pain and vomiting.
Idk guys. I feel dumb. I felt so determined but I’m hoping this is what will actually lead me to staying sober. I feel if I have to cut out smoking I may as well cut out drinking too, like I needed/wanted to in the first place…
I’m about to start my esthetician program in January and as some of you know moved into my first home of my own, it’s time for change anyways.
The irony is I used marijuana for my anxiety, adhd, and most of all nausea and now that’s the one thing that I think is actually making me worse off. I’ve been afraid of getting GH as someone who has smoked since I was a teenager. If you’ve experienced it 1. Im so sorry (I literally almost called an ambulance for myself it was so bad) and 2. Any advice for general nausea is appreciated. I already have plans on how to utilize my time (filling it with healthier habits) I’m just scared of how physically I’m going to cope.
Don’t think you’re dumb. That’s the “darkness” of addiction trying to keep you in it’s firm grasp. This is shame and guilt.
You’re a person just like everyone else in this world.
My feelings toward shame and guilt caused me to do many things I otherwise wouldn’t have done as a healthy individual. It harmed me and everyone around me.
Working on myself by furthering my education and finding a therapist that knew how to work with trauma and addiction helped me tremendously.
As a child I had trauma and was abused by those that should have loved me. When those situations in my life occurred I made a choice in that moment that kept me “safe”. At the time I didn’t know better because I felt safe, but those choices were becoming unhealthy habits which lead me into addictive behaviors.
As a child we weren’t taught to make better decisions, but we’re adults now who are capable to do so. The issue lies within the fact that the habits are extremely hard to break. That’s how the human mind works.
Forgive yourself. You didn’t know any better but you are in a stage of awareness and hope. Your value system is coming back and you know that these behaviors are not good. Keep taking a small step forward each time and it becomes easier.
My hardest part was learning to begin to love myself, be compassionate with myself, be forgiving with myself, and to start knowing that I deserve better.
We understand how you feel - remember that the shame will pass, and you will come out of this stronger.
To help me stay out of the mental shame hole - I really like practice of daily gratitude - it pulls me out of my own spiral and grounds me; there is always something to be grateful for - even if it’s small.
We get you here. This is how addiction works. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What I’ll say is- use this as leverage to stay sober now. When I had urges in early sobriety, I would call to mind how to felt as my lowest lows- my swollen face, bloated stomach, headaches, nausea, anxiety. So my main advice is try to forgive yourself and move forward, but try to remember the feeling. This can help you in the future. I’m sending you so many well wishes as you move forward in your journey.
What I would tell you is too cut yourself some slack and show yourself love for getting back up and not giving up. We’re not in an easy fight, if we were addiction wouldn’t kill as many people as it does. I’m not condoning relapse by any means, but I learned something from every one of them. I learned that I wasn’t doing enough work to stay sober, so I kept adding things. And Everytime it was harder to come back from. But I was more disheartened, pissed off, and determined that I will stay fuckin sober ODAAT for the rest of my life. Add new things and listen to what the people with long term sobriety did to get it, and then copycat on them. As for nausea, I would sip on ginger ale. It used to help settle me down. Good on you for getting back up. Don’t ever quit fighting for your sobriety. You deserve it.
This really struck a chord i think as addicts we realky struggle with this whether its we dont believe we deserve it or need it im not sure but since going to councilling i have been trying too but even the other day i met some friends and they asked how long id been sober from drink and gambling and i sort of self mocked 55 days where they both said thats amazing and well done and i should be proud not joke about it , and i thought then is it that i do it as i cant forgive myself or am embarrassed by it and realised thats a horrible way to live.
I also agree its part of self sabotage like when u relapse and drink again as you only have few sober days and think well whats the harm not much lost but when u build up weeks u feel more protective of that time.